  |
  |
  |
||||||||||||
The Cow
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?
Airplane Ride
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
The Trick
Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?" After a complete examination, the doctor tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment." Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" Bob replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
The Model
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?" "That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water." "What about you're husband?" asks the model. "Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris. "Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred. "Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?" "Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?" "Yes" says Fred "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team haven't."
Blonde
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything??" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!" With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"
Golf on a Sunday
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?
Lisp
A farmer decides that he would like to sell one of his horses, and places an ad in the local paper. The only call he gets is from a man with a strong lisp and who talks like Elmer Fudd, who says that he'll be out the next day. Well, the next day comes, and a dwarf wanders up the drive and says "Hwello, I cwame about the horwse" The farmer is pretty keen to sell, so out they go to the paddock to inspect the horse. The dwarf looks at the farmer and says "If its not too mwuch twouble, could I pwease see the horwse eyes?" So the farmer picks up the dwarf, lifts him so that he can take a good long look at the horses eyes, and then sets him down. "Oooohh, verwy nice eyes. Now could I pwease see the horwse ears?" So the farmer, now a little annoyed, picks up the dwarf, lifts him so that he can take a good long look at the horses ears, and then sets him down. "Oooohh, verwy nice ears. Now could I pwease see the horwse mouth?" So the farmer, now a starting to get pretty pissed at lifting the dwarf, picks up the dwarf, lifts him so that he can take a good long look at the horse's mouth, and then sets him down. "Oooohh, a verwy nice mouth. Now could I pwease see the horwse twat?" That's it thinks the farmer. He grabs the dwarf by the throat, jams the dwarfs' face against horse's twat, rubs him around a few times and drops him with a thud on the ground. There's period of a silence as the dwarf gets to his feet and wipes the mucous of his face. Finally, the dwarf says, "Ummm. Perwaps I should rephwase the question. Could I pwease see the horwse gallop?"
50 Fun Things to do in an Elevator