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Diary of a South African Who Moved to Edinburgh to Get Away From the Strife
November 1st
It's started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen.. The wife and I took out buttered buns and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground . It was beautiful.
November 2nd
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later the city snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street, but the driver smiled and waved, and I waved back and shoveled again.
November 3rd
It snowed an additional twelve centimeters last night and the temperature has dropped to around 4 degrees. Several branches on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.
November 4th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Slipped on my arse in the driveway - 130 pounds for the chiropractor - but nothing broken. More snow and ice expected tomorrow.
November 5th
Still cold. Sold my wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get to work. Slid into the guardrail and did considerable damage to the right quarter panel. Had another fifteen centimeters of white shit last night, both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplough came by twice today.
November 6th
2 degrees outside More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night, tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burnt the bloody house down. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on the way to the hospital and was totaled.
November 7th
Mother fucking white shit keeps coming down | Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. If ever I catch that son - of - bitch that drives that fucking snowplough, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he waits for me to finish shoveling, then comes down the street at about 160km/h and buries our driveway again. Power still off. The shithouse froze and parts of the roof have started to cave.
November 8th
Twelve more centimeters of fucking snow and fucking ice and fuck knows what other kind of fucking white shit fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplough arsehole with an ice pick but the bastard got away. The wife has fucked off and left me, the fucking car wont start and I think I'm going fucking snow blind. I can't move my fucking toes, haven't seen the fucking sun in weeks, and there's more fucking snow predicted. Wind chill is 30 fucking degrees below....20
FUCK THAT - I'M MOVING BACK TO SOUTH AFRICA.
Meet the Parents
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Kilted Scotsman
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a -tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman - snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away. Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I dinna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"
Inspector Cadget
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't Need any trouble here. The guy says, you don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular. The bar tender says prove it. The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. That's incredible, says the bartender... I would never believe it! Yeah, said the guy, I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room. The bar tender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood,the bar tender goes into the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the all... his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my goodness, said the bar tender Did they rob you? How much did they get?" The guy turns and says: No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!
Signs That You are to Drunk
For Sale
Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Stolen
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's going on `ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!" wails the drunk. The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?". "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"
The Bunny & the Bear
A bunny and bear went walking in the woods to go and take a shit. So bear asked bunny : Bear : "Bunny, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur ?" Bunny : "No Bear, I do not why do you ask ?" Bear [With a grin on his face...] : "Just curious, that's all." Later on they find the perfect spot for a shit. Bunny finishes off quickly and wipes his ass on the grass. Bear really takes his time. But when he is finished he picks Bunny up, grabs him by the feet and uses Bunny to wipe his ass. Bear : "Sorry Bunny but my shit sticks to my fur!!!"
Drunk and in Charge
A guy is real drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when BAM, he gets hit by a frying pan. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says: "Boy are you inert", "Now here's how I do it. When I get rip roaring drunk I go borry my buds low rider Harley and go screamin up and down my block a couple of times a hootin and a hollerin. I take the Harley rat up on the porch and then start screamin and a cussin. I slam open the door and scream" "I'm the man of the house and I want some sex rat now". And you know what's amazin', my wife's always asleep."
How to Kill an Eel
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother: "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick . . . a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to marry and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go...I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats . . . they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."
Mother fainted.
Confession
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office But Aren't
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf But Aren't
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.