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Potential & Reality
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "O! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
50 Inch
A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell me that my penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "NO..........NO..........and for the last time..........NO."
Deserted Island
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts." The second man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back "We said we're not screwing!!" Finally the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's only half-way up and the wife and the second man are at it right away. Once there, the husband looks out from the tower and says: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
Honeymoon
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to shag your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Magical Genie
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie !! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish - for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. She can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish - for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted; but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development with such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to make her last wish and just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she is ready. Before she does so, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, says the woman as she grins in extasy... "For my last wish I'd like.., I'd like, yeah..., I'd like... to give birth.... to twins."
Nudist Colony
A small boy accompanied his parents to a nudist colony. They all stripped off and went out into the garden. The boy looked round with interest and then asked his father why some men had big ones and some men had small ones. Dad couldn't be bothered with long explanations so he just said "Those with big ones are smart and those with small ones are stupid" The boy wandered off on his own for a while and then met his father again. "Have you seen mother?" asked his Dad. "She's behind that bush over there," said the boy, "talking to a stupid man who's getting smarter by the minute!"
Don't Talk About
A little girl and the mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother, "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up". The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks,"Where did you learn that??? The little girl says, "I just know that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ' F ' in sex."
Nudist Club
A guy applied to join a nudist club. Exactly what do you do here he asked. It's quite simple said the club secretary, We take off all our clothes and commune with nature. Right said the guy, I'll be in that. So he paid his membership fee, Took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, He saw a big sign which read, Beware of Gays. A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays" He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry You've had two warnings!"
Proxy Fathers
The British government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government's plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant during the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a "Proxy Father", a government employee who attempts to solve the woman's problem by getting her pregnant.
The Smiths, a young married couple, have no children and the government man is due to arrive. Mr Smith, on leaving, says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." INSTEAD, however, a door-to-door photographer, who happens to specialize in baby pictures, comes to the Smith's trying to sell his services.
The conversation went as follows:
Mirror, Mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.