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Priesthood
Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go ... take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness." The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits. "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
*Ting-a-ling*
Little Johnny
The Little Johnny was 8 years old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her, but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was. She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants. She said, "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that." He replied, "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then."
Deaf Nulyweds
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife comes up with an idea...."Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… fifty times"
Irishman
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time. " The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, don't worry" he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she Must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
The Teenagers
A cute, young blonde is driving through the country when her car breaks down. The only house within miles is a big, old farmhouse. She goes to the door and asks the farmer if she can use the phone. The auto club tells her that they can't come out to fix her car until the next day. She tells the farmer this, and he agrees to let her stay the night as long as she keeps away from his sons, Billy and Zeb, who are innocent in the ways of the world. Later that night, she's getting all hot and bothered and she decides to visit the two strapping teenage farm boys down the hall. She sneaks into their room and offers to teach them about the facts of life. "Huh?" is their response. "Don't worry," she says, "you'll like this. But I'm not getting pregnant, so I'll put these condoms on you." She puts condoms on the two boys and says, "There, now I won't get pregnant." They have a wild night. The next day, the auto club fixes her car and she leaves. About forty years later, Zeb and Billy are sitting on the front porch of the farmhouse, reminiscing about the old days, when Zeb says, "Hey Billy, you remember that girl that stopped by one night about forty years ago?" "Yup," says Billy, "we sure had a great time that night!" "Do you care if she ever got pregnant?" Zeb asks. "Nope, never did," Billy replies. "Dammit, me neither," Zeb says, "I'm taking this thing off!"
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXTRIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUSTBEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The Children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we? I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out… carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.... and there on the couch I sat...... with nothing on but my socks......
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her Grandmother in the forest and her Mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the Big Bad Wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off!". But Little red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry, Mum, I've got it covered". So, she was walking through the forest when she came across the Three Little Pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The Big Bad Wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off!". So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry, boys. Got it covered"! As she continued through the forest she came across the Big Bad Wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off!". So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, "Oh, no you're not! You're going to eat me like the book says!!".
The Monks of the Amazon
Paul wanted to get away from it all, so he set off to explore the world. After having a fine time in Europe, and a couple of months in Spain, he ended up in the Amazon. He wandered around for a few weeks, and then decided to really explore it. He walked for miles and miles, eating fruit and any animals he could catch, and getting happily lost. He did have a slight run-in with a crocodile, but he managed to escape, and carried on. He found a stunningly beautiful area and set up home there for a while, building a nice home out of wood, and learning skills that he never dreemed he would. After living in his home for 3 months, he was beginning to feel lonely, so he headed off again. This time he made progress, following the river along, and moving quickly to find some companionship. He ate well, catching fish, but the fish were no good at conversation, so he soon got desperately bored. After a couple of weeks, he saw a large building. He went an knocked on the door, and a monk opened it. "Hello" said the monk (Monks are know for being friendly, and saying 'hello') "Hello," said Paul, "I'm Paul" "Do come in Paul, our Monastery is your Monastery, any thing you want, just ask, but we are about to have dinner, won't you join us?" "I'd love to" said Paul. Dinner was a feast the likes of which Paul had never seen. The wine was beautiful, and Paul hadn't had any alcohol for many months, and he ate like a pig. After dinner, with all the alcohol flowing through his blood stream, Paul needed some sleep. The monk showed him to his room, and Paul slept like a baby. The next morning, Paul awoke feeling like a new man. He couldn't find one, so he settled for a monk(!) The Monk said "If you want anything at all, please just ask". "OK, I will have a think about that" said Paul "Really," said the monk, "It would be a pleasure for us to supply you with anything that your heart desires". Paul spent the next few days enjoying the food and wine, and going with the Monks to pray, and then, having had plenty of time to think about it, he had a quiet word with the Monk. "Can you really supply me with anything I desire?" asked Paul. "Anything at all, you name it, and we will get it for you." "OK, if you are sure," Said Paul, "I would love a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat" "Let me get this right," said the Monk, "You want a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?" "Please," said Paul, "And a white sheep, not a black one, if that is OK?" "A white sheep? OK, No problem, but it might take a little time" The next 8 days went by with good food, good wine, good prayers, and no sheep, etc. On the ninth day, the Monk went up to Paul, and said "Well, it was hard work, but we have got you a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat, they are all in your room." "That is GREAT" said Paul, "I will go and check them all now." An hour later, he found the monk, and said "I am sorry to trouble you, but the hairdryer doesn't have a 'cold-air' option, is it possible to change it?" "Of course it is" said the monk, who wandered off muttering something about 'not being a bloody Argos store'. The next day, Paul found a new hair-dryer outside his door, with a cold option. He was ecstatic. The Monks didn't see much of Paul for the next few weeks, but they heard some very odd noises from his room. After a month or so, Paul announced to the Monk that he really ought to think about heading home. "OK, well thank you for visiting us." Said the Monk. "I shall miss you all, you have been so kind to me, treating me like a long lost son, feeding me, supplying everything that I desire, how can I ever repay you?" Paul asked the Monk. "Well, there is one thing" said the Monk, "I would love to know why you wanted a hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?" "Oh, the hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat? well, can you keep a secret?" "Yes I can." said the monk And he did.............
Dump
Two guys were hunting and got separated. Joe decided to take a dump, and after hanging his ass over a log he soon fell a sleep. Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed his buddy asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he, too, was tired and took a nap. A couple hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you Joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!" "Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump and while I was a sleep I must have shit my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of GOD and a greasy stick I would never have gotten 'em back in."
Accident Report
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In Block #3 of the Accident Report, I put, "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a brick layer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded bricks into it. I then went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in Block #11 of the Accident Report that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the can of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I again refer you to my weight in Block #11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty bottomless barrel hanging six stories above me, I once again lost my presence of mind.... I let go of the rope.