  |
  |
  |
||||||||||||
Contagious
Teacher: "Suzie. Can you think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?" Suzie: "Well, when I get sick, Daddy takes me to the doctor to get better because I was contagious." Teacher: "Very good! Johnny, can you give me a sentence with 'contagious' in it?" Johnny: "Well, my Daddy and I were watching Mommy shovel the driveway when a big snow plow drove by and piled snow back on the driveway and Daddy said 'Whooo-it's a gonna take dat cont ages to shovel all dat snow.'"
St. Peter
A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter. "Ah", says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the "F" word, didn't you?" "Yes", says the man," but it was only one time." St. Peter: "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances." Man: "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf.." St. Peter: "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word." Man: "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron..." St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the "F" word?" Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path..." St. Peter: "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?" Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball... St. Peter: "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?" Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.." St. Peter:" YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU??"
Goddamn Fish
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother Superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"
A Pole
A Pole comes home unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with his best friend. In a fit of rage he goes for his gun. As soon as he finds his gun, he puts it up to his temple, to the great amusement of his wife and her lover. "Don't laugh!" the enraged husband shouts. "You're next!"
Fire Department
Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck."
St. Peter Again
On arriving at the pearly gates, they find there's a terrible queue. St Peter is there looking at a big book, jotting down notes, mumbling occaisionally. There is a person standing in front of his desk being processed. After some time St Peter says "Next" and another person or family steps up. For some reason race and nationality seems difficult for the priests to distinguish. The wait seems to take forever, there is an enormous number of people waiting, and St. Peter doesn't seem to be hurrying. People are arriving all the time, some in mangled states, some famished and some looking "normal" . Then a dishevelled man comes in, cigarette but hanging from his lips like it had taken root. The stubble on his chin looked as though it could sand diamonds. He stands at the back of the queue like everyone else. St Peter however spies him and stands up and comes over to him. "Oh come in... Come in... welcome... No need to queue, we have you already processed... Your residence is in order. Special treatment for you." The priests have something to say about that. "Hey" says their spokesman. "How come he gets the special treatment? We are afterall men of God." "That man..." says St Peter, "Was a taxi driver. He has scared the HELL out of more people than any of you lot."
Swear
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `shithead' and I'll say `fuck'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some 'fucking' Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but I'll be a real 'shithead' to ask for 'fucking' Cheerios."
Gunnar
"Ja, my name is Gunnar, and I can do yust about everything around de house, and it vont cost very much." The woman replied, "Well, can you paint the porch out front? The paint is in the garage. I'll pay you five dollars" "Ja, sure, dat is fine. I'll get right to it" 10 minutes later he rang the doorbell again, and he said he was done. "Why that didn't take you very long at all," she exclaimed! Ole smiled and said, "Ja, it's done. But, you vere wrong. It wasn't a porch at all, it was a MERCEDES."
Outhouse
A kid has to go to the bathroom. However, his family is the only one in the whole county that still has an OUTHOUSE to go to the bathroom in. Pissed off, he walks along, and kicks a chicken. A pig gets in his way, and he gives it a big hoof. A cow grazes by, and he kicks it, too. When he returns, his mother says "I saw what you did to the farm animals. As punishment, becuz you kicked a chicken, you don't get to eat any eggs, for a month. Becuz you kicked a pig, you can't eat any pork for a month. Becuz you kicked the cow, you can't have any milk for a month." Later, the father returns home, and he obviously had a ruff day on the field, and so he kicks the cat. The boy turns to his mother and says "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
Mickey & Minnie
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in the midst of a bitter divorce. Unable to amicably resolve their differences, they ended up in court. After considering all the evidence, the judge addressed Mickey. "Mickey, I'm afraid there is insufficient evidence to substantiate your claim that Minnie is insane." Mickey replied, "Damnit Judge, I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Manners in Bed
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."
Buffalo
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Blonde Builders
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
Sure-fire Ways to Know if you are a Woman
Phoenix
A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings. The man rolls over and answers... "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix." He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?" "Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"
Genie
A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one. The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"