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Why My Boss Fired Me
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen", said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work? "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
The Camel
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust. Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then." So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"
Expensive Sex
A Texan walked into a house of ill repute in Anchorage and asked, "Do you have a girl here from Texas named Arlene?", "Sure do," said the madam. "Go on up to Room 6." The Texan went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered it, he asked "Are you Arlene from Texas?" "I sure am", she replied. "Well, I got two hundred dollars," he proudly said, waving the notes in the air. The hooker grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him into the room. After they had thrashed around on the mattress for a half an hour, the Texan got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Sure, I'll be here." Arlene replied. The next night, the Texan comes back and goes up to Room 6. Another two hundred dollars, another hour of horizontal aerobics. When they were done, the Texan was sat on the side of the bed and asked, "Will you be here tomorrow night?", "Honey," she said, "I'll be here every night for you." The next night, the Texan came back again. Same thing two hundred dollars, the best sex of his life. When they were done, they both sat on the edge of the bed. "Say, what part of Texas you from?" asked Arlene "I'm from Dallas," the Texan said, with a big grin. "Well, I got a sister in Dallas!" the hooker exclaimed. "I know" the Texan said, "and she gave me six hundred dollars to give to you!"
Baseball
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
The Bus Ride
A bus stops in High Street, London and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first , but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following , "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses , dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come once-a-more". "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!". "Hey , coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spell Mississippi."
Strong Boos
Paddy and Mick are working away underneath the Concorde at Heathrow airport. Mick's got a spanner and he's loosening a bolt above his head, when DRIP, a drop of aviation fuel lands on his nose. He goes on working and then DRIP again. On the 3rd DRIP he puts his finger to his nose and tastes the liquid. "Freakit, Paddy", he says, "c'mere and taste this!" So Paddy comes over and tastes a drip. "Gee Whiz, it's alcohol!", he says. So they stick a bucket underneath the drip and continue working. At the end of the 8 hour shift, there's a bucketful of rocket fuel. They take it home and organize a big party with all their friends, rocket fuel and orange juice all round. The next morning Mick wakes up to the distant sound of a phone ringing. He reaches over and just manages to get the phone to his ear. "Hello, Mick, is it yerself?" says a voice. "It's me, Paddy, how are ya feelin?". "Oi must admit oi've felt better" says Mick Paddy continues, "Do ya feel yer nose drooping down, ya know, lika that?", "I do, I do" says Mick "And do ya feel yer arms stretching back behind ya like that?" says Paddy. "I do, I do", says Mick. "Well", says Paddy, "whatever you do, don't fart, I'm phoning from New York"
Blind Man
Two nuns were asked by the Mother Superior to paint a room in the convent. She stressed that they were not to get their habits dirty. Well the two nuns were standing in the small room contemplating the task at hand. They decided to take off all their clothes so as not to risk spilling paint on them. Halfway through painting the room they heard a knock on the door. "Who is it?" they asked. "Blind man" was the reply. The nuns looked at each other and thought "Well what harm could it do?". They opened the door and the guy standing there said "Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?"
The Wish
A German, A Frenchman and An Englishman were visited by a fairy ,who granted them all a wish .They could fill a swimming pool ,with whatever they liked to. So the German goes, "I vant a pool vull of bratwurst!". The Frechman is in doubt, but eventually says, "I Weesh for 10000 gallons of Wayne" (that's Wine I suppose!). Finally the englishman comes around and while he says: "I wish for..." he slides on a bar of soap and says: "SHIIIIT !"
The Nun & The Bus Driver
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in Star Wars
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in The Empire Strikes Back
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in Return of the Jedi
An Italian Wedding Night
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous. However, her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!", "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!", "Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you. So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient?!? groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!", "Step aside," said the mother, "YOU stay here, and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!"
