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| CHECK IT OUT |
Sperm Count
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Lovers
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, they're just laying there, each savoring the nearness of the other. The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.... She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hello? Oh, hi. So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great. Thanks. Okay. Buh-bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?", "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip".
Hot Weekend
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party." The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it." The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive." The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm." Pharmacist says, "What?!? What happened?" Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion." Pharmacist says, "And..." Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"
Painless Childbirth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth & the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20 percent and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
Little Old Lady
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here ?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of them does." "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
How to Cook a Turkey
Bad Facilities
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me, I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?", "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
The Accident
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The man replied", I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune". Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?". The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
A Little Slow
Bruce was visiting his
Doctors office after not having a check up for at least 5 years,
so of course they have lots of catching up to do. After numerous
procedures involving coughs, water soluble lubricant and rubber
gloves, Bruce starts telling the Doc how proud he is of his new
wife. "She's just 18 Doc, gorgeous, wealthy and guess
what..... pregnant too". Well, after thoroughly examining
Bruce and listening in detail how he had impregnated his wife,
the Doctor is reminded of a story. "Well Bruce", he
says, " Your wifes pregnancy reminds me of a story.
Its about an 97 year old man who went hunting EVERY single day of
his life. Upon rising, without fail, he would grab his gun and
track out into the bushes and shoot his lunch and supper. He was
such a good shot that he never went hungry.... at least until his
eyesite started to fail him. With worsening vision, sometimes he
came home hungry but at least the hunting provided him with
excellent exercise". "Unfortunately this gentleman's
eyesight got so bad, that one morning instead of grabbing his
gun, he picked up his umbrella. Off he went into the bushes,
hunting as usual.... with only his umbrella. Well, wouldn't you
know it, of all the days to encounter a bear, this had
to be the one. The bear, bieng a grizzly, of course charged our
faithful old friend... and bringing his weapon to his shoulder,
and trying to squeeze off a shot our hero notices his folly of
the brolly. But of all the strange things.... just as if the old
man had shot him, the bear drops dead in his tracks".
"But that's impossible." Says Bruce "You can't
kill a bear with an umbrella. Somebody else must have shot the
bear for him". "Yes, indeed." Says the
Doctor". Now, about your pregnant young wife......"
Panda
A panda walks into a
bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls
out a gun and shoots the bartender in the foot. As the panda
stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! You just shot my
bartender and you didn't pay for your sandwich! Who do you think
you are?!?" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey
man,
I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager rushes to his
dictionary... "pan*da n. (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) A rare,
mountain dwelling mammal of China and Tibet, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
The Birds and the Beez
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?", "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
