Table of Contents
Page 28 - Alternate Resurrection
Page 35 - "The Book of Chances"
Page 42 - The Evolutionary Classifieds
Page 49 - The "Official Church Leaders" Page
Page 56 - Letters to the Editor
Page 77 - Contact the fools - How you ca contact the us
The Book of Chances
Chapter One
Chances 1:1 At the singularity (the relatively known beginning of our space-time dimension often labeled the *"Big Bang") Chance arbitrarily and spontaneously evolved the relatively known universe and the earth for no particular reason.
[*Note - All scientists agree
that at the point of the "Big Bang" ears had not yet
evolved. Thus there is disagreement as to whether this first
explosion actually made a noise (bang) or not].
Chances 1:2 Now (the previous word "Now"
is just a figure of speech, not meant to be thought of as this
precise moment in time) the earth was relatively formless and
relatively empty, absence of light was over the surface of the
deep, and the Odds of Chance were arbitrarily hovering over the
H2O.
Chances 1:3 And Chance arbitrarily designated, "Let
there evolve light," and there evolved, for no particular
reason, light.
Chances 1:4 Chance was visually stimulated that
the light was reasonably functional, and it arbitrarily separated
the light from the absence of light.
Chances 1:5 Chance caused monkeys to later arbitrarily *designate light "day," and the darkness it caused monkeys to later arbitrarily designated "night." And there were a **thousand random evenings, and there were a thousand random mornings - the first millennium.
(*Note on "designate" - It should be pointed out now that later certain clans of monkeys struck out on their own in a random search for a more abundant food supply for no particular reason, and as a result of this they arbitrarily evolved through random mutation caused by the randomly changing environment into the recent ancestors of man and accidentally formed what is now labeled "language."
It is not known what sound or random series of grunts they used at first for these "designations." But all peer reviewed scholars agree that they did not speak english. By natural selection, english would later evolve to the top of the speech chain and dominate all other languages)
(**Note on "thousand"
- this statistic throughout this first chapter has a margin of
error of plus or minus a billion years).
Chances 1:6 And Chance designated, "Let there
evolve an expanse between the H2O to separate the H2O from the
H2O."
Chances 1:7 So Chance arbitrarily caused the expanse and separated the H2O under the expanse from the H2O above it.
And it was so, by Chance.
Chances 1:8 Chance caused monkeys to later arbitrarily
designated the expanse "sky." And there were a thousand
random evenings, and there were a thousand random mornings -
the second millennium (also known as "the second chance").
Chances 1:9 And Chance designated, "Let the H2O under the sky accumulate in chaos to a single place, and let dry ground surface (not to be mistaken that the land rose, but the H2O actually receded)."
And it was so, by Chance.
Chances 1:10 Chance caused monkeys to later arbitrarily designated the dry ground "land," and the randomly gathered H2O monkeys arbitrarily designated "seas," and later "oceans," and later "man-made lakes."
And Chance was visually stimulated
that it was reasonably functional.
Chances 1:11 Then Chance designated, "Let the land evolve vegetation through random mutation caused by the randomly changing environment : seed-bearing plants
(Chance knew that the vegetation would have to "reproduce," thus the need for "seeds")
and trees on the land that bear
fruit (See, we told you so!) with seed in it, not according to
their various kinds, but rather, randomly." And it was so,
by Chance.
Chances 1:12 The land evolved vegetation: plants bearing seed not according to their kinds, but rather, randomly, and trees bearing fruit with seed in it also not according to their kinds, but rather, randomly.
And Chance was visually stimulated
that it was reasonably functional.
Chances 1:13 And there were a thousand random evenings,
and there were a thousand random mornings - the third millennium.
Chances 1:14 And Chance designated, "Let there arbitrarily evolve light sources in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night for no particular reason, and let them unwittingly serve as objects of worship and let people create religion around them in order for said people to dominate over other lower people in accordance with the covenant of "survival of the fittest",
(note - "fittest" here
may also be designated as "smartest," and "lower"
as "dumber").
Chances 1:15 and let them be light sources in the
expanse of the sky to randomly give light on the earth."
And it was so, by Chance.
Chances 1:16 Chance evolved two great light sources
- the greater light source to illuminate the day for no particular
reason and the lesser light source to illuminate the night for
no particular reason . Chance also accidentally evolved the stars.
Chances 1:17 Chance closed its eyes and threw the
two great light sources up in the expanse of the sky to sort
of give light on the earth,
Chances 1:18 to randomly produce through some sort of cause and effect the day and the night, and to separate light from absence of light for no particular reason.
And Chance was visually stimulated
that it was reasonably functional.
Chances 1:19 And there were a thousand random evenings,
and there were a thousand random mornings - the fourth millennium.
Chances 1:20 And Chance designated, "Let the
H2O evolve the great living creatures, and let birds fly above
the earth across the expanse of the sky for no particular reason."
It is at this point that experts believe that non-living material
got together and formed living material. The gap in between will
be hypothesized about later; it's not important now.
Chances 1:21 So Chance evolved through random mutation caused by the randomly changing environment the great creatures of H2O and every living and moving thing with which the H2O teems, but not according to their kinds, but rather randomly, and every winged bird not according to its kind either, but randomly.
And Chance was visually stimulated
that it was reasonably functional.
Chances 1:22 Chance had a moment of silence for them and then arbitrarily designated, "Be naturally and randomly sexually and asexually promiscuous and increase in number and fill the H2O, and let the birds increase on the earth."
It is at this point that experts believe that an efficiency expert form Cambrian University came, by Chance, and tweaked the process. At this point life production literally *exploded
(*Note - the word "literally"
here is used as "emphasis" and is not literally meant
to be taken literally. Also, explosion is not meant to be taken
literally either). This point in time has thus been labeled the
Cambrian Explosion.
Chances 1:23 And there were a thousand random evenings,
and there were a thousand random mornings - the fifth millennium.
Chances 1:24 And Chance arbitrarily designated, "Let the land evolve through random mutation caused by the randomly changing environment living creatures, but not according to their kinds, but rather, randomly: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, not according to its kind, but rather randomly."
And it was so, by Chance.
Chances 1:25 Chance arbitrarily evolved the wild animals randomly, but obviously not to their kinds, the livestock not according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground not according to their kinds either.
And Chance was visually stimulated
that it was reasonably functional.
Chances 1:26 Then Chance designated, "Let monkeys
evolve through random mutation caused by the randomly changing
environment in an arbitrary image, in no reasonable likeness,
and let them be the top of the food chain over the fish of the
H2O and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the
earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground
for no particular reason."
Chances 1:27 So Chance arbitrarily evolved monkeys
in their own arbitrary image, by the odds of Chance they evolved;
X chromosome and Y chromosome they evolved.
Chances 1:28 Chance had a moment of silence for them
and designated to them, "Be naturally sexually and asexually
promiscuous and increase in number; fill the earth and habitate
on it. Be the top of the food chain over the fish of the sea
and the birds of the air and over every living creature that
moves on the ground - just because."
Chances 1:29 Then Chance arbitrarily designated,
"I evolve to you every seed-bearing plant on the face of
the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it
for no particular reason. They will be yours for food if they
randomly fall into your mouth and you accidentally swallow them.
Chances 1:30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground - everything that has the oxygen of life in it - I give every green plant for food for no particular reason."
And it was sort-of so.
Chances 1:31 Chance was visually stimulated by all that it had evolved, and it was very reasonably functional. And there were a thousand random evenings, and there were a thousand random mornings - the sixth millennium.