Table of Contents
Page 28 - Alternate Resurrection
Page 35 - "The Book of Chances"
Page 42 - The Evolutionary Classifieds
Page 49 - The "Official Church Leaders" Page
Page 56 - Letters to the Editor
Page 77 - Contact the fools - How you ca contact the us
The Book of Chances
The truth of what really went
down as compiled by the Genesis Seminar
Meet your Genesis Seminar:
The Genesis Seminar is a self-appointed think-tank of really really smart individuals who have set out to finally uncover the truth about the origins of man and religion.
They include, but are not limited to, an evolutionary scientist, a scholar, an ornery agnostic, a revisionist historian, a subjective apologist, a conspiracy theorist talk-show host, a trial lawyer, a liberal politician and a *monkey.
(*Note - the monkey is actually a chimpanzee. He is going through an identity crises as a result of reading the famed children's novel, "Curious George." The protagonist of this work is repeatedly referred to as a monkey, but is drawn as a chimpanzee. The trial lawyer is looking into the legal ramifications of this.)
Their identities have been kept secret in order to protect them from other human beings. However, we have compiled statements from them so that you, the reader, can get some idea of their really really high credentials.
Evolutionary Scientist - "It is not a surprise to me that all of this started out with one alphabet letter. As time progressed we could see words forming and then sentences. Before long there were paragraphs. At some points there seem to be gaps in the sentence sequence and then the sentences pick back up again.
We can only speculate as to what may have caused these gaps. Finally we end up with pages and then this entire book. We had fun speculating as to what would happen if this book were to evolve into a more complex book. I suggested that if this does happen, it be called "Volumus Giganticas."
Scholar - "It's not worth my time writing anything here. You wouldn't understand me anyway."
Ornery Agnostic - "I have seen the survelance footage of someone who resembles me entering the building where the Genesis Seminar sessions took place. However, this footage is only sequential black and white stills that are sort of "grainy".
I have also seen the pages of notes with my handwriting on them, but then again there are some really really good forgers out there. And I do remember the sessions. But I have to admit also that there are some really really good hypnotists out there too.
So with all of these possible scenarios, I have to withhold judgement until more concrete evidence comes along actually proving that I was indeed there. The conspiracy-theorist talk-show host backs me up on this."
Revisionist Historian - "I don't know what these other Bozos are saying, but I am the only one responsible for this book. They all hung out at the coffee haus while I slaved over this piece of work for many untold days, nights and weekends. I'm the man! I'm the man!"
Subjective Apologist - "I feel that this is really a beautiful piece of work. It really makes me feel good about myself. Do you know what I mean? I hope it makes you feel good about yourself too. I really do.
But hey, if it doesn't that's okay too. And if you don't agree with me about my conclusions, I feel no need to defend myself on the subject."
Conspiracy Theorist Talk-Show Host - "Is this thing on? Okay. Hello, this is (omitted) coming at you from north of the Mason-Dixon line. Well it seems that there's a rumor going around that something's going on. But that's not the half of it. I'm told by very reliable sources that the government's in on it too.
And that is why I am a contributor to this book. It chronicles in very vivid detail the mysterious and suspicious origins of government. Learn the facts now while you still can.
And with each purchase I am going to throw in, from my own personal stockpile, ten pounds of wheat, a case of canned-meat, twenty one-gallon jugs of water, a flashlight, a generator, a guard-dog, a pair of night-vision goggles and a personally autographed Y2K countdown calendar - all at no extra charge to you. So call now while you still have the freedom to do so!"
Trial Lawyer - If you or a loved one has suffered brain damage as a result of reading this book, you may have compensation owed to you. Don't wait, call now! I am a tough smart lawyer that knows the system. Don't wait, call now!
I will get you(me) every penny that you(I) deserve. Don't wait, call now! The longer you wait, the smaller your(my) settlement will be. Don't wait, call now! You owe it to your(my) children. Don't they deserve better!?! Don't wait, call now! "
Liberal Politician - "If you like this book, I am proud to have been a part in the process. And I promise that I will sign into law legislation declaring that there be provided a copy of it in each room at every cheap motel across this great nation of ours.
The best part of this is that we will make the more expensive high-rise hotels foot the bill. Everybody wins! We will do this for our(my) children. Don't they deserve better!?!
But if you didn't like this book - I did not have contextual relations with that volume . . . The Book of Chances."
The monkey - I hereby declare myself "distanced" from this bunch of uncivilized barbarians. They are total animals with no regard for personal hygiene what-so-ever. They are wholly disgusting, in their habits and ethics. I have never been part of such an idiotic group of primates in all my life. Get me away from these hairless freaks!"
(The previous statement was translated by a highly trained primate sign-language specialist. And since there was a "translation process" involved, there was a slight controversy over the validity of said statement. So another translator was brought in and the statement was revised as follows, "Miko want coconuts." This only fueled the controversy and the statement was eventually dropped and we all agreed that it never really happened.)
The Process:
The Genesis Seminar had undertaken the monumental task of figuring out what the book of Genesis is really talkin' 'bout Willis! They put their heads together and, after trying to figure out where the sound of knocking coconuts came from, got down to bizniss.
The evolutionary scientist was, at first, our team leader. But after determining that the meetings were not progressing as quickly as hoped for (Man, this guy was s-s-s-s-s-slow!), the conspiracy theorist talk-show host snuck up behind him, hit him over the head with a five pound package of freeze-dried bacon which knocked him unconscious, and then assumed the role of alpha male. Which was good because he could talk a lot.
The revisionist historian took meeting notes and we're still trying to determine what's what and what's not.
The scholar was in charge of wearing the smoking-jacket and looking stately.
The subjective apologist was the sergeant at arms and in charge of aroma therapy.
The trial lawyer and liberal politician were both the co-treasurers (We thought a checks-and-balances system was needed and this worked out pretty well).
The ornery agnostic had convinced himself that none of this was really happening and had unwittingly progressed himself into a state of in-between self-realization and nirvana.
(While in this state, the trial lawyer and the liberal politician put shaving cream on his hand and tickled his nose with a feather. But, since the ornery agnostic was already a part of the shaving cream within the universal consciousness, nothing happened.)
The monkey was in charge of snacks, but mostly sat on the floor and watched reruns of Gilligan's Island. (The evolutionary scientist was forced to join the monkey and he was none too happy about that because this meant that he was in charge of changing the monkey's diaper.)
The first order of business was to agree on a mission statement. After much deliberation and fisticuffs, they agreed on, "I can't get no satisfaction."
Now it was time to do what they had come for - correctly interpret the book of Genesis. The process went something like this:
First, they would read one verse (reading ahead and/or reviewing past verses was strictly forbidden due to time constraints because cocktail hour started at 4:30).
If they all agreed on an interpretation, great. If not, they all had to dance a jig holding rattle snakes. The last one standing won the privilege of injecting his interpretation into scripture.
(A funny note - It was later uncovered that the conspiracy theorist talk show host had been secretly injecting himself with rattlesnake poison in the weeks prior to this session in order to gain an unfair advantage over his fellow participants.
Well, it appears that he had been injecting himself with the better known "Diamondback" rattlesnake poison, but the institute had ordered "Northern Pacific" rattlesnakes.
So needless to say, but we're going to say it anyway, because his body wasn't immune to the "Northern Pacific" rattlesnake poison his little scheme didn't work. As a matter of fact he was so weak from injecting himself with poison all those weeks that he was usually the first to drop.)
The monkey, on the other hand, rather enjoyed this little game and usually did quite well.
Second. Well . . . there was no second step. That was pretty much it.
Now that you've gotten to to know your Genesis Seminar, let's see what they came up with after putting their resources, talents, credentials, degrees, personalities, feelings, attitudes, egos and heads together (other than the sound of knocking coconuts).
The Big Change:
The one point that everyone agreed on was that there is no God. (However, as time progressed they learned from chatting with each other during smoke breaks that if they were stuck hiding in a fox-hole with bombs exploding about, then they might be willing to listen to some really good pro-God arguments).
The other one point that everyone agreed on was that everything has happened by chance.
And the other one point that everyone agreed on was that they needed to immediately change the name from the book of Genesis to the book of Chances so as to correctly reflect this last-minute discovery (They're hoping that the other bible publishers will soon follow suit).
It should also be noted that they started from the NIV. There version is called the "New Unified Theory Style" version.
Now you may proceed to Chapter One.