Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month
The "Official Church Leaders" Page
Alternate Resurrection Theory
of the Month
Theory #12223
The "Frozen in Time" Gap Theory
The "Frozen in Time" Gap Theory
If the truth be known, the current story of Jesus wrong. It's just plain wrong.
Modern science has now discovered what probably happened that fateful day.
Astronomy has recently figured out that there are huge chunks of ice flying around the universe. And even some come pretty close to earth.
So calculating that the earth has been around for many trillions of years, the odds of probability indicate that one nearly destroyed the earth - and at the same time inadvertently created a messiah.
Our first clue of what happened is found in the Bible. We have to ask an important question, "What ever happened to Joseph after Jesus grew up?"
There is nothing written of him, right? So we have to do a little detective work.
Since we start with the presupposition that miracles don't happen, we have to conclude that Joseph got Mary pregnant. That's strike one against him.
He was only a carpenter by trade and not a wealthy animal herd owner. That's strike two.
Then we learn that Jesus, as a young lad, grew in wisdom and stature. He must have been a pretty smart kid. His future was so bright, he had to wear shades.
Strike three against old Joseph.
Joseph couldn't handle it. He became increasingly jealous of young Jesus while becoming more depressed about his low self esteem.
Joseph flew the coop. He left without warning, and decided to start a new life in a far off place. No one seemed to notice or care (proving that Joseph was correct in his inferiority complex - but hey, that's life). And that's why we just stop hearing about him.
Now fast forward to the day of the crucifixion. Jesus has done something to make many people mad. And it doesn't really matter "what" for our purposes.
But people got this strange idea that he was some sort of messiah. Maybe he bragged about himself and claimed to be a messiah, and that's what got everyone's loins all in a bunch.
Anyway, he was crucified and died. Later that day permission was granted to bury his body in a cave. It was shut up with a huge rock and a wax seal was placed on it so nobody would open it.
Then everyone went beddy-bye.
While sleeping, a humongous, gigantic comet whirled right past the earth barely missing our geosphere. But it might as well have hit the earth.
The close proximity of the fly-by caused the third rock from the sun to switch the angle of its axis. Also, the icy projectile DID impact the sun causing a major dimming of light and heat.
This was catastrophic! The whole earth instantaneously entered the Ice Age.
Everything and everyone was frozen in a split second. But miraculously... Well, not "miraculously" because we don't believe in miracles... Coincidentally, everyone froze so fast that they didn't die.
They were all in a state of suspended animation. All of them except for one - Jesus!
"How?" you ask?
Simple. Miraculously... Well, not miraculously... Coincidentally, inside the cave was insulated from the outside temperature.
The huge boulder with the wax seal did the trick. Also, as with all funerals/burials, plants of consolation were in the cave.
Inside caves are always damp and moist and this is what supplied their precipitation. And no need for light - these were the kind of plants that grow in dark places with little need for photosynthesis. Air trapped inside also helped.
So we have Jesus in a "greenhouse" if you will. And as time passed, Jesus' body decomposed. Decomposition was also probably aided by little creatures trapped in the cave looking for food (sorry, but it had to be said for the sake of discovering the truth of what REALLY happened to Jesus).
Finally, after thousands of years, Jesus' body was completely decomposed therefore completely gone. The only thing that was left were his burial clothes which must have been crafted out of polyester to have lasted so long.
Miraculously... Crap!... Coincidentally, a small out of control star came streaking from the opposite direction. It also impacted the sun which immediately doubled the sun's thermo generating capacity - bringing it back to normal wattage.
Mir... (Sigh)... And also coincidentally, the earlier comet, which had not completely dissolved inside the sun (though somewhat smaller by now), was blasted out from within and made a "B" line towards earth. (You know, like a game of billiards or the intro to "Third Rock from the Sun"?)
Anyway, massive goopy magmal globs were fastened on the front of the comet heading towards earth (you know, like a cartoon character trapped on the front of a speeding train?).
On impact, somewhere near the Yucatan Peninsula, the earth coincidentally (Ha! Didn't say miraculous... Rats!) was shifted back onto its original axis.
Also, the hot magma-like sun guts heated the earths frozen oceans causing heat and steam to instantaneously warm the surface of the earth and everything came back to life.
Everyone woke up as if nothing had ever happened, though they were all a bit groggy.
Now, remember Joseph? This is where he comes back into the picture. Hearing that Jesus was in big trouble, Joseph came back into town to watch and gloat (what a loser).
He had been sleeping in some bushes nearby when he was frozen. So he and others were walking around in a haze for a while. Then they realized something.
The stone was rolled away (due to the 2nd impact) and the tomb was empty! People tried to make sense of what happened, but they just couldn't.
Then it happened. Someone noticed Joseph and history would never be the same.
Let's apply a little more detective work again. Joseph was older now and looked a bit different. Also as an inept carpenter he had collected many scars over his face and body due to mishandling sharp knives and equipment.
Jesus also had scars from the scourging and crucifixion process. Even his face was probably not recognizable at the time of burial.
And since they both shared the same/similar genes, they looked alike.
So what REALLY happened is that Joseph was mistaken for a resurrected Jesus!
At first, Joseph was stunned but then realized that he was at the threshold of the opportunity of a lifetime. This was his chance to finally be somebody - a god.
And he went along with the charade (even though that game hadn't been invented yet). Anytime somebody wanted proof (like doubting Thomas) all Joseph had to do was say, "Pick a scar . . . any scar."
There were always fresh ones on his body. Even though he was considered a god, he was still an inept doofus. What a scoundrel. But did it pay off for him big time!
He was equivalent to a rock star. People followed him around and wanted to be blessed by him. They hung on his every word as he made up things to say to them. And it didn't matter what he said, just as long as he said it.
Joseph's sad history is what motivated his speeches. Remembering how he had been shunned, he spoke of loving everybody, even enemies. He preached that the meek would inherit the earth, and so on.
So we guess SOME good came out of this after all.
But Joseph made a tactical error that would cause him his godhood. He failed to recognize and take care of one little problem - Mary!
You can't fool a mother, and Mary was no exception. She knew from the get go that it was really Joseph all along. But he was so popular that she couldn't publicly do anything.
So a few weeks later, in the dead of night, she tracked him down and took him out.
After Joseph (a..k.a. Jesus) couldn't be found (because Mary disposed of the body) the stories of miracles (which we don't believe in) started to surface and grow.
And just like all media stars who meet an early and tragic demise, he too became immortalized in the annals of history.
And that's what REALLY happened - honest!
