"The Book of Chances" - Chapter Three


The Grudge Report Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist) Amazing Transitional Animals Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month The Book of Chances Opposable Thumbs The "Official Church Leaders" Page Non Survivor The Evolutionary Classifieds Letters to the Editor Who Are We? The Real Story Past Issues Contact the fools	The Book of Chances (Note: We suggest reading the "introduction" contained in the first issue in order to understand the context of what is going on here. But if you are an atheist, reading within context may not be a priority - then you might as well just start reading here.) Chapter Three Chances 3:1 Now the serpent was more clear headed than any of the furry pets Chance had evolved. The serpent had a sneeze attack but the woman thought he said, "Did Chance really say, 'You may or may not accidentally swallow fruit from any particular tree in the rainforest'?" Chances 3:2 The woman inadvertently replied to the serpent, "We are commanded by the laws of random cause and effect to accidentally swallow any fruit from just about any particular tree in the rainforest, Chances 3:3 but Chance did suggest, 'You probably shouldn't accidentally swallow any fruit from the tree of the knowledge of subjectivism, and you probably shouldn't even really touch it either, or you may possibly stop surviving.'" Chances 3:4 "You probably won't stop surviving," the serpent coughed to the woman. Chances 3:5 "For Chance feels that when you accidentally swallow of it your eyes will be opened because it contains caffeine, and you will be like Chance, knowing that good and evil are not merely subjective." Chances 3:6 When the woman looked up and saw that the fruit of the tree may be good for sustenance and visually stimulating to her sense of sight, and also uncontrollably desirable for gaining relativism, some of it inadvertently fell from the tree into her mouth and she accidentally swallowed it. And by some freak accident, the same thing happened to her husband too. Chances 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened due to the caffeine, and they realized they were like hairless monkeys; so they sewed fig leaves together and made pot holders for their kitchen. Chances 3:8 Then the man and his wife heard the erratic sound of Chance as it was stumbling in the rainforest in the cool of the day, and they were camouflaged (not on purpose though) from Chance and they blended in among the trees of the rainforest. Chances 3:9 Chance said to itself, "Where is nowhere?" Chances 3:10 Adam answered, "I heard something sort of like you in the rainforest, and I was boldened because I was like a hairless monkey, so here I am." Chances 3:11 And Chance said, "Who told you that you were like a hairless monkey? Have you accidentally swallowed fruit from the tree of the knowledge of subjectivism that I suggested that you probably should not accidentally swallow from?" Chances 3:12 The man said, "The woman you put here with me - some of the fruit fell, bounced off her head and into my mouth, and I accidentally swallowed it." Chances 3:13 Then Chance said to the woman, "What is this that has happened to you?" The woman said, "The serpent inadvertently fed me some garbage about it probably not stopping my survival and I accidentally swallowed it." Chances 3:14 So Chance hypothesized to the serpent, "Because you may have been an involuntary agent of these events, "You will never sustain a lucky-streak for as long as you exist. You are apparently below all the livestock and all the furry pets because you are so low to the ground! You crawl on your belly because you have no legs and you may or may not eat dust (and the dust mites that go with it) some of the random days of your existence. Chances 3:15 And I will evolve steel-toed boots between you and the woman, and between your chanced offspring and hers; he will accidentally crush your head honcho, and you will probably strike for better living conditions." Chances 3:16 To the woman Chance said, "I will greatly increase your HMO payments in childbearing; with pain you will pay for the birth of your children. Your apathy will be for your husband, and he will drool over to you." Chances 3:17 To Adam he said, "Because you were standing next to your wife and accidentally swallowed the fruit from the tree which I suggested to you, 'You probably shouldn't accidentally swallow of it,' "Polluted is the ground not because of you but for no apparent reason at all. Obviously it's not your fault; but anyway, through painful toil you will accidentally swallow food of it some of the days of your existence. Chances 3:18 It will evolve thorns and thistles and bells and whistles for you, and you will accidentally swallow the plants of the field. Chances 3:19 By the perspiration of your brow you will accidentally swallow your food until you trip and fall to the ground, since from it you may have evolved; for dust you may have been and to dust you may or may not return." Chances 3:20 Adam designated his wife "Eve", because she was a bit hazy. Chances 3:21 Chance evolved garments of random genetic skin-like material for Adam and his wife and it made them feel like hairy monkeys again. Chances 3:22 And Chance blurted out, "The man has now maybe become like one of me, knowing subjectivism. He probably shouldn't be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of happenstance and accidentally swallow, and survive relatively forever." Chances 3:23 So Chance maybe accidentally locked him out of the rainforest of Eden to accidentally dig shallow ditches in it and lose some seeds in the ground from which he had been evolved. Chances 3:24 After Chance accidentally locked the man out, it didn't notice on the east side of the rainforest of Eden cheery bums and a flaming swordfish flowing back and forth to the guard of the tree of happenstance. Chapter Four more than likely will appear in the next issue. Due to a spontaneously and randomly evolving blind pseudo-chain of events, and for no particular reason, you are victim number:

The Book of Chances

(Note: We suggest reading the "introduction" contained in the first issue in order to understand the context of what is going on here. But if you are an atheist, reading within context may not be a priority - then you might as well just start reading here.)

Chapter Three

Chances 3:1 Now the serpent was more clear headed than any of the furry pets Chance had evolved. The serpent had a sneeze attack but the woman thought he said, "Did Chance really say, 'You may or may not accidentally swallow fruit from any particular tree in the rainforest'?"

Chances 3:2 The woman inadvertently replied to the serpent, "We are commanded by the laws of random cause and effect to accidentally swallow any fruit from just about any particular tree in the rainforest,

Chances 3:3 but Chance did suggest, 'You probably shouldn't accidentally swallow any fruit from the tree of the knowledge of subjectivism, and you probably shouldn't even really touch it either, or you may possibly stop surviving.'"

Chances 3:4 "You probably won't stop surviving," the serpent coughed to the woman.

Chances 3:5 "For Chance feels that when you accidentally swallow of it your eyes will be opened because it contains caffeine, and you will be like Chance, knowing that good and evil are not merely subjective."

Chances 3:6 When the woman looked up and saw that the fruit of the tree may be good for sustenance and visually stimulating to her sense of sight, and also uncontrollably desirable for gaining relativism, some of it inadvertently fell from the tree into her mouth and she accidentally swallowed it. And by some freak accident, the same thing happened to her husband too.

Chances 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened due to the caffeine, and they realized they were like hairless monkeys; so they sewed fig leaves together and made pot holders for their kitchen.

Chances 3:8 Then the man and his wife heard the erratic sound of Chance as it was stumbling in the rainforest in the cool of the day, and they were camouflaged (not on purpose though) from Chance and they blended in among the trees of the rainforest.

Chances 3:9 Chance said to itself, "Where is nowhere?"

Chances 3:10 Adam answered, "I heard something sort of like you in the rainforest, and I was boldened because I was like a hairless monkey, so here I am."

Chances 3:11 And Chance said, "Who told you that you were like a hairless monkey? Have you accidentally swallowed fruit from the tree of the knowledge of subjectivism that I suggested that you probably should not accidentally swallow from?"

Chances 3:12 The man said, "The woman you put here with me - some of the fruit fell, bounced off her head and into my mouth, and I accidentally swallowed it."

Chances 3:13 Then Chance said to the woman, "What is this that has happened to you?" The woman said, "The serpent inadvertently fed me some garbage about it probably not stopping my survival and I accidentally swallowed it."

Chances 3:14 So Chance hypothesized to the serpent, "Because you may have been an involuntary agent of these events, "You will never sustain a lucky-streak for as long as you exist. You are apparently below all the livestock and all the furry pets because you are so low to the ground! You crawl on your belly because you have no legs and you may or may not eat dust (and the dust mites that go with it) some of the random days of your existence.

Chances 3:15 And I will evolve steel-toed boots between you and the woman, and between your chanced offspring and hers; he will accidentally crush your head honcho, and you will probably strike for better living conditions."

Chances 3:16 To the woman Chance said, "I will greatly increase your HMO payments in childbearing; with pain you will pay for the birth of your children. Your apathy will be for your husband, and he will drool over to you."

Chances 3:17 To Adam he said, "Because you were standing next to your wife and accidentally swallowed the fruit from the tree which I suggested to you, 'You probably shouldn't accidentally swallow of it,' "Polluted is the ground not because of you but for no apparent reason at all. Obviously it's not your fault; but anyway, through painful toil you will accidentally swallow food of it some of the days of your existence.

Chances 3:18 It will evolve thorns and thistles and bells and whistles for you, and you will accidentally swallow the plants of the field.

Chances 3:19 By the perspiration of your brow you will accidentally swallow your food until you trip and fall to the ground, since from it you may have evolved; for dust you may have been and to dust you may or may not return."

Chances 3:20 Adam designated his wife "Eve", because she was a bit hazy.

Chances 3:21 Chance evolved garments of random genetic skin-like material for Adam and his wife and it made them feel like hairy monkeys again.

Chances 3:22 And Chance blurted out, "The man has now maybe become like one of me, knowing subjectivism. He probably shouldn't be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of happenstance and accidentally swallow, and survive relatively forever."

Chances 3:23 So Chance maybe accidentally locked him out of the rainforest of Eden to accidentally dig shallow ditches in it and lose some seeds in the ground from which he had been evolved.

Chances 3:24 After Chance accidentally locked the man out, it didn't notice on the east side of the rainforest of Eden cheery bums and a flaming swordfish flowing back and forth to the guard of the tree of happenstance.

Chapter Four more than likely will appear in the next issue.

Due to a spontaneously and randomly evolving blind pseudo-chain

of events, and for no particular reason, you are victim number: