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My God Is Mighty and his Name is Atheism
Atheism be thy name my lord. Oh prithee suggest a greater way for me to balance carefree will with spiritual belief, and I may turn from thee!
But nay, there be no greater guide, no better way, no more fulfilling mode than yours! My life by your guide doth produce much joy, allows me wit, allows me to have a lot of sex and not worry about the spiritual consequences...
I am yours my lord, oh Atheism. Swallow me in your welcoming confines and cradle me in your all-forgiving arms, as I nestle at your non-discriminating bosom, taking my fill of your sweet milk, that injects me with energetic juices.
Save me, save me from the Anglicans, save me from the Presbyterians, the Catholics, and other Christian denominations, as well as Muslims, Buddhists and Scientologists. I seek all I need in your haven, your world.
You fulfil me quite.
So now that I am done with this poetic masterpiece (cough cough) I may indulge your interest (has it waned completely yet?) and explain the reason I seek refuge in the beautiful world that is Atheism. I, Guru Al, you may think am contradicting myself when I say that I am an Atheist. Well, being the high-priest of the Divine Church of Fred Basset, it may seem so.
The Penguin concise dictionary states it as follows:
atheism [aythee-izm] n disbelief in the existence of a God ~ atheist [aythee-ist] n.
Penguin also notes this:
ophicleide [ofiklId] n obsolete brass instrument with keys
But we will get to this later.
So according to the definition of atheism, I am an Atheist, as I believe that God became deceased in 1978 I am technically Atheist, and am free to live life as such. But it does not mean that I don't have any religious beliefs per se. My religion is New Age Christianity. "What?" you ask with bold arrogance and poorly-concealed indifference. Well all will be explained.
NEW AGE CHRISTIANITY
Come closer dear reader and explore the realm that is my spiritually-enriched existence within the walls of New Age Christianity. First, you must understand the background of this religion.
New Age Christianity was proposed by Daniel Indelicus, a Portuguese scholar (and wine-maker) on September 3, 1891. This new religion was established after he read the instructions for preparation of the new order in an old scroll he found in a dig (in August of that year) he supervised in Algeria. This scroll is in effect the second last book of the bible (before Mike) and detailed how the people should live their lives in the new order. He took the scroll home and he and his fellow scholars, after consuming many glasses of wine, sat down to fully decipher the text.
At 12:30pm, September 3, 1981 the Holy Temple of the New Order was opened, having been constructed by three Algerian slaves and a whip-wielding bicycle-riding slave driver (Andre Jean Parle) from eight empty barrels, formerly filled with wine, three Giraffe skeletons and an old mildew-ravaged canvas tent. It collapsed at approximately three o'clock.
From Algeria and Portugal the influence of New Age Christianity spread and as the religion gained increased support, missionaries were rallied and sent to such heathenous places, unknown to god, such as the Congo, Ethiopia, Zimbabwe and France.
Daniel Indelicus was savaged to death by a mongoose in 1892.
In the late 1890's a glorious age for New Age Christianity was realised. Such brave and corrageous souls as Fred Basset led the fight for NAC. Basset led an extraordinary life, finding glory after his humble beginnings as the pet of a missionary in the Congo. Find out more about him, at (The somewhat short and rather pointless story of) Fred Basset.
During the 1900's New Age Christianity suffered what could be, I suppose, rightly labelled as a "slump" in popularity. It still remained strong in places like Ga, the souther coast of Portugal, Algeria and a large portion of Skandinavia. It was not until 1985, after having lived in Falminica for a year, that NAC enjoyed a resurgence (in Falminica at least) when I set up the Divine Church of Fred Basset with myself as high-priest.
How do you stick to New Age Christianity, and make sure you do not stray from the path of 'good'? Well read the following guides and all will seem clear (presumably)!
Extract of the Lost Original texts of Revelation
OR, go to The Texts, and read all that is there!
Ciao for now, more may come later...
sincerely, your guide to enlightenment, !Guru Al!