Heaven for Heathens HOME
The Glossary!
Here is the definition, explanation and elucidation of the many foreign phrases, terms and in-jokes on this site. It also has a discription of some of the major characters of some stories. These can also be found on the cast list on the Falminican Republic webpage. Some of the characters described on this page are also in the AL-bum. Enjoy.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Academy of Thaumaturgy. - Institute developed for the main reason of allowing Nine Turning Mirrors and his colleagues to exploit the adolescent yearnings of young scholarly lasses. Oh and also to spread the word of New Age Christianity and that.
Agy - yFalminica United Pty Ltd. - Poorly run and conceived company that produces even more poorly constructed and conceived products. Agy by itself is also the owner of a fastfood restaurant chain, in the Guinness Book of Records for holding the record for the most stomach pumpings in a single day (39), and is also number two (with 38 stomach pumpings in one day).
Al - Refer to Guru Al.
Allan Houston. - Beguiling and genuinely wonderful person, author of this page and renowned to the world as a person at a level of class and brilliance that all should aspire to.
Angela Lansbury. - Actress famous for her television show "Murder She Wrote". Appeared in Six Degrees of Inebriation. Currently starring in "High Pie", about a Pie-shop attendant who solves mysteries in her spare time, and has the ability to fly!!
Anvil. - Large shiny (usually) metal object that is used to shape other metal objects. Also the thing that plagued Anvil Falls on Coyote.
Azrael Mesphitos - Possibly the most psychotic and dysfunctional person ever to exist. Azrael first appeared The Tale of Nine Turning Mirrors, and made a significant appearance in the Chronicle of End Times.
Baston Gasteu. - Renowned Anthroplogist and arsehole. Currently the General President of Ohcontraria - a nation with which Falminica holds a grudging allegiance.
Bavaria. - Largest state in Germany, known as the world capital of beer, sausages, cigarettes, pretzels and Oom-pa-pa bands. A distinct annoyance is that Bavarians have their own dialect that sounds nothing like Standard German. If they speak Bavarian no one will understand them.
Bea Arthur. - Starred as Dorothy in the Golden Girls, now has a prosperous career starring as corpses in various TV shows and movies.
Beige. - Representative colour of the forces of evil. Commonly cited in such phrases as "Oh my God, that doesn't go with beige!", "She beiged herself unashamedly", "I will give you five dollars if you beige me" and "I sold my soul to beige". Also regarded as a colour that is entirely isolated from fashion sense, and is not easily accompanied by many other shades or tones.
Bible. - Wacky old book written by evil (beige) Hansonitic monks in the third century AD. The book that you now call holy is in fact just a bastardisation of the real text!! The 'real' bible was incomplete until 1978, at which time the Book of Mike was written, detailing the death of God.
Blinky. - Bizarre time-travelling character who appears in many stories, as a blatant plot device to cover-up any holes in the plot relating to time. Renowned for his odd fashion sense (even for the futuristic age in which he lives), Blinky is perhaps most well known for his hairstyle (a "mullet"), a cut characterised by a short fringe and sides and a long back, and linked to the Bad Taste Movement of the eighties.
Bruce, David/D. - An annoying individual, on which many characters are based. He is an old man posing as an 18-year-old, assumed to be between 1.5 billion and 8 billion years old in reality. His bizarre flaking skin condition and old man ramblings give his age away however.
Brucey Scalp. - A vile character who appeared in I Know What you Did Last Chronicles. He was an evil creature with a grudge.. This character followed his uncle Pale Scalp, from The Alchronicles, and then was succeeded by his cousins David, Mitchell and Paul, and others. These characters are based on the above person, and have a habit of suffering grand humiliation before their inherent deaths.
Clog. - A bizarre type of footwear worn by the dutch (who else?!?!). It is basically a wooden shoe, the purpose of which is uncertain. Perhaps it is just another thing that gives us an opportunity to ridicule the Dutch. And why not?
Custard Swillow. - Small, yellow bird, found in Peru, whose most startling feature is a one-metre long beak, that makes up 90% of the bird's body-length. This often leads to the bird toppling from the treetops it inhabits, due to an inability to balance. Also bears a remarkable resemblance to Ross Peroe.
Culkin, Macauley. - Evil child star associated with the church of Scientology. Best remembered for his starring role in Home Alone, which spouted two sequels, of which Macauley starred in one. A sequence of horrible films followed and this star fell into the abyss of the forgettable child stars and hasn't really been seen since. Believed to be a member of the black panthers...
Daisy Maestro. - Brave fascist rebel, who led a band of fascists in a coup de tat in ga, 1975, overthrowing the Communist government. As is recounted in The Alchronicles and I Know What you Did Last Chronicles, Daisy was transported back in time due to one of those pesky time-warp things and ended up in ancient Italy. Read the stories to find out about the significant path his life took from then on.
Dr. Pepper - Horrid beverage to be avoided at all costs. Widely used in torture techniques in the middle east, and also as a cleaning product. Although the intention is for people to drink it, this should be regarded as only a necessary and plausible action if death is an appealing outcome.
Eduardo Camanchio. - Significant figure in the sponsorship of the Divine Church of Fred Basset, read about him here.
Falminican Republic. - See yFalminican Repuiblic
Fred Basset. - Early New Age Christian missionary, born in the Belgian Congo. Read more here.
Ga. - Holy city, to which New Age Christians often flock on an annual pilgrimage. Established as a place for freedom, booze and sex, a communist revolution took place in 1785, and the Commie regime was not overthrown until 1975. See The Alchronicles for more info.
Gamblor Silk. - Excessively arrogant man who, by some bizarre defect of the yFalminican system of government, makes up the senate by himself (ie. he is the only senator!). Features in all of the tales on this page. See The Life and Times of Guru Al.
Gorf. - Versatile former superhero, who now works as an archaeologist. Still exhibits immortality, which although prevents him from dying, does not lessen the pain of an injury. Appears in all of the tales. See The Life and Times of Guru Al.
Grafton. - 'City' of 18,000 on the north coast of New South Wales, Australia. Remarkable for its number of pubs (approx. 20!) for such a small population, and also teh fact that a huge population gap exists between the ages of 20 and 40. All those with enough sense leave Grafton to pursue better things in better places, after they finish school (either in pursuit of study or work). Those that remain are drawn into the life of a Graftonite, finding nothing to do but drink at the pub, or join the list of teenage parents (it is quite extensive). It's the place you drive through on your way to Brisbane from Sydney, being on the Pacific Highway. Oh, did I make it sound bad? It's not that bad. It only suffers from the limited career opportunities.
Guru Al. - Evangelical genius and high-priest of the Divine Church of Fred Basset - the main church of New Age Christianity. Believes he has a role in the New Order, which shall take place in the not too distant future, when God comes back from the dead, and basically starts everything all over again...
Hanson. - Wicked trio who were thrown out of heaven for terrible singing, and now work as the servants of Santa. Read The Lost Extract of Genesis.
Hochlor. - Demon who infrequently possesses the body of Guru Al. Weak and relatively powerless, this spirit of the netherworld has delusions of grandeur, even though the only powers he has are to grant Guru Al a guttural voice, which also serves as a good party trick.
Huby. - A word from Douglas Adams' The Meaning of Liff, meaning an erection not big enough for use but big enough for public embarrassment.
Igor. - Transgender immortal, a female since the late nineteenth century. Holds the position of Marshall General, in the yFalminican Republic. Prone to spontaneous acts of violence, and bursts of feminist reactionism (even though she used to be a man).
Jerry. - Brucey's gay lover. Parked in front of the driveway once and thus has incurred my wrath.
Kitley. - Object of my undying wrath. Pathetic creature who has applied a fake personality so richly and effectively that he annoys the shit out of anyone with enough sense to see through the facade. Renowned for wearing a lot of corduroy.
Lou Begga. - Talentless hack who has sung too many freaking mambos. His songs are so cliched and inane (and similar to each other), that it annoys the hell out of me that he could actually be successful.
Macauley Culkin. - See Culkin, Macauley
Martin Scorsese. - Director of such great films as Casino and Taxi Driver, and some bad ones such as Bringing Out The Dead. Easily identified by his wonderfully eccentric eyebrows.
Mauve. - A
Mike. - A
New Age Christianity. - A
New Zealand. - A
Nine Turning Mirrors. - A
O. - A
Paulie Shore. - A
Pauline Hanson. - A
P. Firman. - A
Police Academy. - A
Q. - A
Reclusive Hogmonkey. - A
Reid Stanton. - A
"Sex yes?". - A
Squeegee Bottom Chicken Igloo. - A
Stix. - A
Tourquoise. - A
U. - A
V. - A
Walt Disney. - A
Whitegood Revolution. - A
Wonder Woman. - A
X. - A
yFalminican Republic. - Bogus nation setup for to evade taxes and welch off loan repayments from poorer nations. Visit the yFalminican Republic Webpage.
Z. - A
Thursday, 24 August 2000