My appointment with the Victim Witness Program went well yesterday.  I now have a contact that I can call whenever I have any questions.  I have also picked up an awful lot of information sheets that I will have to sift through.  I will eventually share some of that information with you once I have had a chance to get it organized.  This whole process is starting to become a little overwhelming, and I have felt at times very vulnerable and stressed.  I understand, however, that he is not pleading guilty, in hopes that he can wait me out and wear me out.  Maybe I'll drop the charges?  I DON'T THINK SO!  I may have brief moments of panick and insecurity, but I am not going to allow that *#@#&*& to take my power once again and walk away with it.  Not this time.  I am much older and much stronger now.  He has given me something to carry with me all the days of my life, whether I want it or not.  It is now my turn to give him a little parting gift that he can carry with HIM all the days of HIS life, whether he likes it or not.  While carrying around a criminal record is nowhere near the same, I will be quite happy with that.  It seems that I have rediscovered my anger.  I've already worked through the rage, anger, fear, shame, etc.  I've already forgiven him and moved to a place of love for him.  But it's perfectly ok for me to be angry again.  This is called "process".  I am comfortable with my process now, and no longer try to fight it.  No part of it is evil or weak, and it all serves a purpose.  It took me a long time to learn that.  In this case, anger is a motivator.  It always is.  Anger only becomes a bad thing when you get stuck in it, or when it is uncontrolled.  In that case, it is wise to seek help in learning how to work through the anger.  The reality is that MOST of us have not been taught how to work through our anger, but rather to go to extremes.  Either we learn that anger is bad and so we suppress it, or we learn from others that anger is to be used to hurt others instead of to change what is wrong.  I must say that learning how to use anger appropriately is one of the hardest and longest lessons I have ever had to learn.  While I have come far, I look forward to the day when I can graduate from that class.

Mar. 24th, 2001 -

Wow, has it really been that long since I've updated this page?  Look at that.  I've only written one sentence, and already I managed to get up and find something to do.  Namely, getting something to eat, and then realizing half way through that I'm still full from supper.  I then tell myself that I must be escaping this entry somehow, but then tell myself that I need to make something to eat in case I get hungry, and then it will already be here for me.  Now if you ever were to see me, you'd realize in a jiff that I am rail thin and underweight.  I'd rather sleep, work on the computer, take care of my child, even sometimes do the laundry...anything but expend the energy to make something to eat.  So this sudden overwhelming interest in food kinda tells me something.  I don't WANT to write this entry.  I don't want to expose myself to the world, at a time when I don't want to expose myself to me.  I have become much less afraid of facing my pain and inner turmoil than before, as I now know how liberating it can be to face such things, but I find that after having a long period of strength and balance, I become really reluctant to continue the cyclical process and return to active healing.  No matter what, I always have to come back to this place in the end.  My spirit is stronger than I am.  Trust me, I've tried to give up, and my spirit just won't let me.  I have begun to be drawn toward Healing Spirits lately.  Especially these pages.  Today, there was no escaping them.  I have to write.  You see, between this court

Jun. 08th, 2001 -

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