Jun. 08th, 2001 - (cont)

thing and Father's Day, I've begun to feel a little restless and blue.  Father's Day has always been hard.  Let's face it:  I still just want my Daddy to love me.  I see others with their Dads, and I feel twinges of jealousy, lonliness, abandonment and regret.  For just one tiny moment, a little girl inside of me cries, asking why I couldn't have a Daddy to love me terribly too.  Instead, I find myself takig my own dad to criminal court.  It never takes me very long to shake it off, though, as I AM really happy for them.  Everybody deserves the love of their parents, and I would never begrudge them that.  It just hurts sometimes to be reminded of what is missing in my life.  I had started Healing Spirits as a way to make my abuse count for something, by providing other survivors with a place to find honest accounts of the realities of being a survivor.  Funny how part way through it, I somehow built self imposed wall around me.  I found myself thinking that I had to be strong and positive all the time, or nobody would respect me, or want to become a part of Healing Spirits.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to get past your own perceptions of what the world expects of you.  I don't know how I trapped myself into believing that I had to be perfect for my visitors all of a sudden, but I guess that's all part of being a survivor.  I desperately want to be loved and accepted.  In most areas of my life, I no longer cater to what others wish me to be, but Healing Spirits deals with my most vulnerable aspect, causing me to be somewhat insecure.  So, this is me, guys.  I am strong, I am wise, but I am also small, insecure, and learning.  Just as you are, I am all of these things.  I tell you these things not so much for you, but to get these things straight in my own head, and to be honest with myself.  The court date has been put off again, this time with my permission.  It seems that the defense lawyer over booked himself, and was pleading for mercy.  As I am involved with another matter that is before the court, I was happy for the reprieve and consented.  I really don't think I would have been quite so generous if I had remembered that court is out for the summer.  Now the date isn't until October 10th!  That will make it close to a year since I filed a complaint against him!  Well, I guess it still all works out for the best.  My step-daughter's mother and common-law spouse have been criminally charged for breaking our home windows and aluminum front door.  That wasn't a fun day for us, as she posed a very real threat to our baby.  On top of it all, we have been advised by Children's Aid to get all of my step-daughter's mother's access rights revoked.  That will make court case number three.  And finally, If we can't file for damages simultaneously with the criminal charges, we will have to launch a fourth court case for damages!  Imagine that!  Four simultaneous court cases!  It seriously boggles my mind.  Do you mind if I vent a little?  While all this is going on, we  have a little baby with epilepsy, an 11 year old step-daughter with disabilities, as well as being emotionally damaged, and it seriously appears that I have an underactive thyroid, but my doctor has categorically refused to test me.  Add to that the fact that we, like millions of others are struggling financially.  I actually don't mind all that, as I am somewhat used to adversity and chaos being a part of my life.  What seriously bothers me is that I am not allowed to be stressed and depressed  about all this constant crap in my life!!!  I am not allowed to ask for a chance to rest, or for thyroid tests!!!  God!  Where on earth do people get off pushing little blue pills, without even the slightest bit of honest willingness to consider that not everything is a chemical imbalance?  I believe that chemical imbalance is only a cause of depression in a small amount of the population.  I believe depression has a multitude of different

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