Oct. 01st, 2001 -
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Well, it's the first, and getting really close to my court date. The one with my father, I mean. The court date with Jodi's mom is near settled now, and she awaits sentencing. She pled guilty. Now if only we could get the local contractors to do what they are supposed to do, and give us written estimates, then we will get restitution for damages and all that will be over with. So now I basically only have to worry about the "big one". On the 4th, I have an appointment to meet with the crown. We will be discussing what I should be expecting. On the 10th, the nightmare begins, and hopefully, ends. I got a taste of an anxiety attack the other night. Nothing really huge, but I was able to recognize it. I felt like it was difficult to breath, I felt small and vulnerable, and I felt scared. But that's ok. I've been dealing with this stuff long enough now, that I am able to provide myself with the tools and support I need to get through it. I was talking to a very dear online friend, and she let me sing to her. I felt I needed to sing. I find it to be very soothing. I just didn't really feel ok just singing to myself! I felt better after that, but I also knew with sudden clarity that I needed to put a better support system in place for myself. I have since called my local Sexual Assault Crisis Centre, and they will be calling me back to give me appointments for interim counseling, and someone will be attending court with me. What a relief. I don't feel so freaked out now. I had known that this service existed, but I had forgotten about it. It is only because of the fact that I had been going for counseling there that I knew, however. The various people involved in the justice system never told me. They do have their own support system, however, but it's not the same. In all fairness, however, I would like to say that I am very grateful to the police officer that handled my case, and to the Victim Witness Program at the courthouse. They have been extremely kind, and have most definately doing their jobs. I just think that their services would be complete if they were to inform "victims" that they can have a counselor present for the trial. This counseling will only be temporary, but I think I'm going to go back on the waiting list for continued counseling. I am finding that more issues are starting to come up for me. I am seeing my step-daughter as a smaller, female carbon-copy of my dad. She lies, she steals, she has no conscience what-so-ever. She even touches people "by accident", and gets small children to pull down their pants. We have tried to get her to see what this kind of behaviour does to people, but unlike normal children, this has no effect on her. Now our only recourse is to try to get her to see it from a self-preservation point of view. Soon she will be twelve. If she continues to harm others in this way, she may go to jail. That works a little bit better, but she still has no real concept of what the consequences of her actions are for herself or others. There are also immediate consequences too, that are designed to make her feel that it is "not worth it" to do these things to people, but the results are limited. At least the school, the DCS worker, and now a Psychometrist are all working with us to try to alter her behaviour. And ours. The truth is, that I feel repelled by her when she does these things. Severely repelled. I can't help but think that it isn't right that I should finally be getting rid of my dad, only to be getting a smaller version of him in my home. I get seriously triggered by her, and I cannot say that this has not affected my parenting. I can only remind myself at this point in time, that she has a disability which causes her to behave like this, and to not have any sense of consequence or feeling. My dad, on the other hand, is not disabled. he has chosen this life. All of his siblings are quite normal, and I am certain that his mother was not a drinker, and most certainly never used substances. There lies the difference. But that is not enough to alter my reactions to her. I need help. I also fear for my children. I can never leave her alone with them. Sooo! If I get enough of the right kind of people involved in our family unit, I am certain that we can work through this. Once again, I must run to the newsletter now, so I'll see you soon. I can't wait to show you my halloween pages. I think you might like them. :0). |
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