Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year,
being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea
parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it's pay back
time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't
wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas
this year:
- Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of
looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any
idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your
butt? I don't suppose you do.
- Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That
cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with
looks like cellulite!
- A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro
to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo
over that pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken. And what was
up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
- It's about time you made us all anatomically correct.
Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
- Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
- A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
- A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make
real money.
- A new millenium persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete
with a pint of cookie dough, ice cream and a bag of chips.
- No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking
my vinyl complexion.
- Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think
I deserve a piece of the action.
Considering my valuable
contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands
are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself
a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has
petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking
for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding
that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality,
and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this
opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie,
as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie
DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received
over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe,
Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes,
dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have
the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe,
obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie.
My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed,
which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle
choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore
my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are
"Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other
avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator
Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would
more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up
markets that have been under served.
As for Ms. Barbie needing
bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees
so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also
be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell,
while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result
in legal action to be taken by myself and others.
Sincerely,
Ken
P.S. kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I.
Joe... he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
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