What's yours?

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered. Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK....

• Beer.
  Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
  Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
  
• Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella.
  Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the a**e.
  Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
  
• Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda.
  Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
  Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
  
• Water.
  Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
  Approach: Don't.
  
• Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask).
  Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
  Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
  
• Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc.
  Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
  Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.(shouldn't be difficult!)
  
• Cape Velvet.
  Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
  Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
  
• Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
  Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk and naked.
  Approach: Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

• Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
• Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
• Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
• Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
• Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
• Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.
• Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
• Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
• Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
• Whisky: He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
• Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
• Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
• Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
  He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.