Plot:
We get to see the credits. Spooky house in Illinois is the location where a secret project is being conducted. Doctor Westmont is the only scientist working
on this project. So, one guy living in a haunted house is creating a killing machine for a US Defense Department project run by the Defense Intelligence
Agency. Wouldn't it make sense to have a staff conducting research for something of this importance? The idea of using a haunted house in Illinois seems a little
stupid. You'd want to conduct this kind of experiment away from anybody. The Defense Department couldn't use an abandoned base in the middle of the desert in
the southwest? Logic rant has run out of steam for now...
Doctor Westmont created a genetically engineered monster codenamed "Carnivore" or nicknamed "Carny." Wouldn't the military have a cool codename to
use for this project? The atomic bomb was the Manhattan Project. How about Project Grendel? Well, that isn't getting this review done. Carny can understand
language and has a fast healing factor. Like Wolverine without the adamantium...
Westmont is less than happy about being stuck in the house. Carny is in a containment cell. Westmont opens the door to the cell to give Carny a pheromone
shot. You'd think a project like this would a better way of injecting the creature than opening the door and calling the beast like a dog. Well, good ole Carny gets
the syringe and shoves it into Westmont's chest almost over his heart. The amazing thing Westmont isn't bothered by the syringe stuck in him. He coughs up some
blood and dies. The containment cell door is open.
Carny inspects the body. Apparently, it has some distorted vision. It gets out of the lab. We keep hearing from our female narrator.
In Washington D.C., a DIA meeting is being held. Everyone has ultra double top secret clearance. The head of the DIA, who has the look of the poor man's
Lane Smith or Kevin McCarthy, is mad about some agents for some reason. We have the typical 4 star general being chewed out by the chief. I don't know anything
about military rank. But, why does every movie seem to want a 4 star general. A 2 or even a 1 star general would be pretty impressive in my book. Have to eliminate
those agents. The meeting continues on about the carnivore project. DIA chick, our narrator, tells about the project. She talks about how no one suspects
anything because the house is abandoned and rumored to be haunted.
Daytime, disposable teen, John, gets out of his car and goes to his house. He calls his friend Mark. They have a big evening planned. Mark is going to take his
girlfriend. John will get her sister. Get some beer and head out to the old abandoned house. Liquor, haunted house with girls. Hope for sweet loving to ensue...
In the house, Carny is roaming around the house. It pulls the curtains down and is blinded by the sunlight.
Carny looks like the result of a night's romance if a drunken Gremlin woke up beside a Critter in the morning. Not a pretty sight...
DIA Chick wants to know what is going on with Westmont. He missed his last report. The lab has a video of his death which they can access in
Washington. The best opinion, they can come up with is Carny wants to get back into the lab to escape the sunlight. Well, DIA Chick is going to have to investigate
what's going on in the house. Right after she leaves; angry chief wants the tapes super duper classified. The clearance would be for just him and the president. The
limo is taking the DIA Chick who is asleep to the airport with some other agents. Both of these guys are complaining about her, having to use tranquilizers, etc...It
turns out she isn't asleep. The comedy never stops...
John and Mark arrive at Mark's girlfriend's house. Well, Mark's girlfriend, Dee, is sort of like a slutkateer.
Why yes ma'am I've got $50
Her sister has to be opposite to her. Bobbi isn't mousy and with glasses. She's got that sort of girl next door thing going for her. That and she is the
only one with any common sense in this group of disposable teens. In the car, Mark is far away from a place called sobriety. I swear there is a scene that
looks like
I Know What You Did Last Summer stole from it. Bobbi is worried about the cops stopping them. Apparently, in this town, all they have
to do is drive around. That and beer is like an aphrodisiac for the morally impaired. The girls finally learn they're going to the old Romero place. Forgive
me, George. This movie shouldn't have taken your name in ridicule. Mysterious goings-on, wild creatures, etc...
DIA Chick on the road trying to get to the house. Lame toilet humor ensues...
Carny is tearing through the house. It's a good thing this animal couldn't figure a way to escape all day. It is well after dark. It could leave the house now.
Our heroes, I mean our victims, have to sneak up to the house going through the woods. They don't want an easy way to escape the house. Bobbi is less happy
by the minute especially when she sees 2 sleeping bags. Let's take a moment for a math break. We have Mark, John, Dee, and Bobbi. You'd need a crowbar
or a fire hose to separate Mark and Dee. That's one bag. So now we have 2 people and 1 bag left. Bobbi is very adamant about not staying the night. Which
makes a lot of sense. A lot of rumors have been floating around about the place, old house that could be falling apart on the inside, etc... They convince Bobbi to
just stay a little while. And mistake number one, she agrees to go into the house.
Carny is roaming through the house, still. The creature has to be roaming the house for a minimum 6 hours probably longer...
Victims are plodding on to the house; they go inside explore a little. Bobbi wants to leave thinks somebody lives in the house. These teens don't think that
some bums are there for instance. The house is supposed to have been deserted for years. It's clean it just doesn't seem to have any furniture. No sheets
over the old furniture that is in all old abandoned houses. No cobwebs. Nothing to indicate it's been deserted for years like the teens say.
Cops in a car. Witty banter ensues...They get a call about the house.
In the house, the ghost stories are being told. Bloody Hook is told. Mark wants to explore. They leave Bobbi by herself. Carny is in the chimney flue. Bobbi
runs after the rest of them. We get to see a monster point of view shot of it drinking some beer. All of them find a bedroom, if a mattress on the floor is considered
a bedroom. Cheap scare fails. It takes over 30 minutes into the movie before we get fake cobwebs.
Check out another door. This one heads up to the attic. Why do I think at this point the high school haunted houses are scarier than this movie? Cheap
scare. John, Mark, and Dee think maybe they should takesome souvenirs from the attic which is loaded with antiques. Keep exploring...
DIA Chick's car has a flat tire. Cops pull over and offer to help. Attempted comedy ensues. The agents haven't ever changed a tire.
We're from the government and here to help.
In the house, Mark and Dee are going to "explore" by themselves. Heading for the romantic bedroom. Wait the dusty filthy room with the cruddy mattress
on the floor. John tries ton be witty and charming to impress Bobbi. Monster POV shot.
80s cheesy lovin' of the first degree ensues. Synthesizer, etc....Back to John and Bobbi, all the beer is gone. Slimy residue is left on a bottle. Back to
the lame lovin', Carny sneaks up on them and starts shredding Mark. Dee runs downstairs screaming. John and Bobbi find her. Bobbi takes her downstairs
while John goes to investigate what's happening. He doesn't see the blood splatters on the wall but finds Mark's corpse. Finding your best friend's dead body is
upsetting to say the least.
Sorry, I'm so obviously fake...
Mark heads downstairs and runs into Carny. John runs off.
Bobbi and Dee hear noise, head for the door into the waiting arms of the cops. The girls want out of the house. One of the cops, Kyle, goes upstairs. Carny
is chasing John, POV shots. John makes it to the attic and barricades the door. Kyle the cop is looking around and finds Mark's corpse. Kyle radios the other cop
to get the girls out of the house. Wow, a cop that realizes something is going on when he finds a heavily slashed body somewhere. Bobbi and Dee run outside
while the cop chases them.
John is hiding. Carny attacks. John punches him and runs? Carny is clubbed in the head with a board, hurting. John runs into Kyle. The babbling
teen. "Something is up there." When Kyle gets John calm to learn about the creature, Carny attacks Kyle.
At the cop car, the girls are in it. The cop is heading back to the house when the DIA Chick finallyarrives. Carny is officially killing Kyle really dead. All that is
left of Kyle is a skeleton with a police uniform. John gets out of the house. Crashing into the nameless cop, who is the sheriff. One of the agents has a gun pulled
on John. We get the credential flash. DIA Chick orders the Officer to leave; the government will take care of this area. Quarantine area is declared around the
house. Sheriff is angry to say the least.
DIA Chick and Dumbo, not his name but he needs one, are going after Carny. Dumbo isn't a fair name to elephants with giant ears. But, they don't read
my reviews. But, a battle of wits between a rock and this guy would have the rock declared a genius. Securing the area. They go to inspect the lab. Now,
they look through the rest of the house. Find dead Kyle. DIA Chick wants to split up to cover more of the house. This is Dumbo's greatest idea that they shouldn't
separate. Well, DIA Chick ignores his idea and goes off by herself. Dumbo gets his UZI ready instead of using the tranquilizer gun.
DIA Chick is searching. Dumbo is searching, too. Carny sees him.
Dumbo leaves the room. Carny tries to grab DIA Chick. Back to Dumbo, he calls the chief. DIA Chick is to be killed by Carny. A plot point was never
explained in this movie. I'm surprised with the quality from this film.
Carny has her by the throat and lets her go. Dumbo is coming down the hall. DIA Chick is creeping forthe door. Dumbo is surprised to see Carny. But, Dumbo
still unloads the UZI on it. DIA Chick is unhappy about it. Carny isn't dead, yet. She holds Carny's hand? I'm not sure why the movie is trying to make us feel
sympathy for the creature at this point. Carny is still twitching as they leave,
After they are out of the house, DIA Chick is yelling at Dumbo. Carny killed because it was threatened or pheromones. The agents seem pretty dumb. DIA
Chick orders them to remove the body. She is extremely disturbed about the loss of the Carnivore.
Dumbo and the other agent go to where Carny was shot. They find a pile of goo. Carny escaped, this is supposed to be the shocker ending. The nightmare isn't
over.
