Mean Guns (1998)

Cast:

Christopher "There can be only one..." Lambert is Lou
Ice "Do I always play a criminal or a cop?" T is Vincent Moon
Michael Halsey is Marcus
Deborah "I was in Brainsmasher a Love Story?" Van Valkenburgh is Karen
Tina Cote is Barbie
Thom "I went from Return of the Living Dead to this?" Matthews is Crowe

What the box says:

The world's most dangerous criminals are summoned to a new prison on the eve before its grand opening by Moon (Ice T), the ruthless leader of the world's most powerful crime syndicate. Chaos ensues when weapons and ammunition are passed around and the group, including Lou (Christopher Lambert), begin their fight to survive. The last three men standing by midnight have been promised $10,000,000 in cash by Moon, who watches fom his surveillance camera as gunfire and bodies fly. Rivalries develop between friends and the lines of loyalty are crossed as each criminal attempts to outwit, outrun, and outlive the other in this action packed game of elimination.

Plot:

A giant Ice-T is ranting about something as we see numerous dead bodies.

A Law and Order gig or another Albert Pyun movie? A prison official is playing chess with Ice-T who keeps talking about redemption. When the warden puts him in check, the warden is given a cap in his head for a reward.

A taxi lets Karen out at subway. Some guy grabs her. Some sort of commissioner is turning states evidence. He needs all the evidence she can provide. She is going to leave tonight when various guys kill the commissioner. They knock her out.

Apparently, the Syndicate built a brand spanking new super prison.

As mambo music plays in the background, various goons get out of their cars. Karen is taken inside.

Lou walks into the prison.

Everyone has to turn in their guns and is given ID badges as elevator music ensues.

Lou is having flashbacks.

When the goons arrive, Moon accuses them of betraying the Syndicate. He has a better idea than killing them all. 10 million dollars will be rewarded for the 3 survivors. The players will have to report who they kill. Snipers are in the guard towers to keep them from escaping. The game has a 6 hour time limit.

Cases of guns are dropped. Everyone grabs the guns and discovers no ammo in the guns. Bullets and baseball bats are dropped next.

Open season on the goons ensues. Funny, these are special guns that don’t have muzzle flash when it fires.

Lou is wielding a baseball bat like a katana.

Karen is being chased when Marcus, the world weary killer who is like Mick Jagger’s brother without the big lips, saves her.

Moon kung fues some guy.

A good chunk of the goons are dead.

D, the leather clad female assassin, is on the hunt.

Trollop is searching for her boyfriend.

Ball bat fu ensues by Hoss and Crowe, the Buddies.

Some guy demands that Moon let him out. Guess what? Moon kills him, too.

Lou finally gets a hold of a gun. 360° of fun ensues, when Lou opens fire using his single barrel shotgun 15 times between reloads.

By the way, Karen is still running.

Marcus and D chase after Karen. Marcus claims that Karen is with him.

Elsewhere, Lou spots a sniper on a nearby roof.

Marcus, D, and Karen are still scouting out the prison.

Meanwhile, Christopher Lambert is beating goon like he wished he could go after the critics of Highlander 2. Suddenly, he is hallucinating again about a twitchy blonde kid.

Marcus, D, and Karen check the perimeter.

Lou is in one of his full fledged flashbacks about blonde kids and bodies.

Barbie, the Trollop, is on the prowl.

Some guy goes after Lou’s daughter in the car when Lou arrives to take care of business.

Barbie the Trollop is hiding. She is able to cave in some goon’s skull. Now she’s got a gun, ho-ho-ho…

Marcus, Karen, and D are checking some of the prison cells. They watch as a guy makes a break by scaling the outer wall. He gets sniped. Lou appears and is holding D as a hostage. Marcus demands she be left go. Marcus agrees that Lou join the group. The odds are good that at least one of them will die along the way.

The Buddies, Hoss and Crowe, take out another goon.

Lou and Marcus have some history. Apparently, Lou asked to join this battle to the death.

The Buddies are trying to figure who they’ve killed so far.

Barbie the Trollop is ambushed.

D, Liu, Karen, and Marcus are roaming.

Barbie struggles against some guy. She manages to eliminate him. A group of guys capture her.

Lou starts a gunfight with these guys. Barbie escapes. Lou starts searching for her.

D is finishing off Lou’s leftovers. She wants Karen to club a guy to death to save ammo.

Lou can’t find Barbie the Trollop. He gets distracted when he’s nearby.

D is about to kill Karen when Lou returns. Karen is to kill the goon or else. Lou whacks the guy. Karen is to pull her weight or else. Marcus has a plan. Announce they’ve got the cash and lure everyone into a trap to kill them.

The Buddies head to the kitchen and hear the Trollop. She is acting innocent and pleading for her life. Hoss wants to keep her alive. Crowe is worried she’s up to something.

D is on the PA system, calling for everyone to hear her.

The Buddies debate the money with Trollop. She wants a gun. Hoss is fond of her. Crowe doesn’t trust her as far as he can throw her.

Killer philosophy ensues from Lou.

A group of goons try to set up a trap. The Buddies take care of them.

Lou is getting on D’s nerves. Lou emits more killer philosophy to ensue. He has another flashback about his daughter.

As mambo music plays, we cut between Marcus, Lou, D, and Karen’s group and the Buddies with Trollop.

The rats are heading for the trap. A gunfight ensues between the crew, the Buddies, and everyone else. Finally, muzzle flashes are shown in this movie nearly 1hour 15 minutes into it. D is kung fuing some guys. Karen runs off. Marcus shoots those that are after her.

Lou is going to psychopathic town.

The Buddies open up on the Trollop’s boyfriend.

The game has an hour left. D is alone and after Lou.

Trollop is taken away by the Buddies. She’s upset about her boyfriend. The Buddies inspect the carnage unaware of Marcus playing possum.

The Buddies think they are the only ones surviving. Moon tells them they’ve got more to kill.

Apparently, the Trollop’s boyfriend isn’t dead.

Lou gets the drop on D.

Marcus gets up from the pile of bodies.

Karen is on the outside. Lou is looking for her.

Moon reveals where the 10 million is hidden.

Angry Lou ensues.

Marcus checks on Lou’s daughter.

Near the main gate, Karen grabs an envelope.

The Buddies head for the cash.

A gunfight breaks out between Trollop’s boyfriend and the Buddies. Barbie gets a gun. Hoss wants her to have a gun. Crowe is afraid of her packing. They start arguing.

The Buddies have a standoff. They’ll see which can draw who faster to determine who is right. Hoss doesn’t see that Trollop has a derringer behind him. Crowe sees the derringer. His shot hits Hoss. Trollop finishes Hoss off. She takes the suitcase off screen. We hear an explosion.

Marcus and Lucy find Trollop with her hair on fire. Marcus checks to make sure she’s dead.

Karen is on the outside.

Marcus and Lucy are playing. Karen has her gun drawn. She lowers it and starts to leave.

As Karen runs off, Marcus chases her.

Moon pays a visit to Lucy. He is going to get everybody.

Karen is skulking about when Marcus grabs her. He wants the pictures of Moon. Marcus needs the pictures to get out. Somehow, Trollop’s husband sent the pictures of Moon to Karen.

He wants her to stay out of sight for now and refuses to explain why he’s helped her, either.

Moon calls for the survivors to show up for the presentation ceremony.

Lou checks on Lucy. Marcus is hiding on the other side of the car. We finally get the impression that Lou isn’t Lucy’s father.

The phone rings. Karen is to meet with Marcus and Lou.

Apparently, Moon, Marcus, and Lou want only one survivor. The survivors and Moon will have a gunfight.

Marcus shoots Karen. Lou discovers his gun is empty. Lou got extremely disturbed after his daughter was raped, became way too bloody. He is a problem to the Syndicate. Marcus shoots Lou.

It is just Moon and Marcus. Marcus outdraws and shoots Moon. Marcus has his gun at his own head. Lou is laughing and volunteers to shoot Marcus. Marcus killed Lou’s daughter. They kill each other.

Karen awakens with Lucy over her. Marcus faked shooting her. Karen takes Lucy away. She has the 10 million dollars as they drive off.

What I say:

Some movies are hard to separate from the director. Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi are a couple of those directors. Look at some of the numerous fans. I am a big fan of both of those directors. Now Mr. Jackson finish King Kong. And, Sam get to work on Spiderman 3. Unfortunately, fans may think a lot of some certain directors. The other hand is filled with crappy directors.

Pick a bad director...Any bad director...Try to pick one who consistently for more than 20 years has made bad movies. Roger Corman may be acknowledged as being one of the cheapest directors and producers around but has slipped out a few decent movies. Ed Wood? Well, no matter how low he sank into adult movie making. He'll be remembered for Bela Lugosi's last movie, Plan 9 From Outer Space. One of the truly definitive bad movies of all time. William One-Shot Beaudine...A good choice, but Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter had a few redeeming scenes. The more informed about B-Movies you are, the more Albert Pyun's name is likely to pop up.

Albert Pyun? Who is that? Albert Pyun's first movie, the Sword and the Sorceror, may have been a lot of things but not boring. It was one of the first of the barbarian genre from the early 80s. Unfortunately, his first movie was apparently the pinnacle of his ability. He began his downward slide into the muck of hack directors. Do you remember the Captain America movie from the early 90s with the Italian Red Skull? Cyborg, the movie that unleashed Jean Claude Van-Damme upon the world like Captain Tripps. Brainsmasher, Knights, Nemesis, Alien From L.A. etc...This is the man who has made numerous movies about cyborgs but confuses them with androids. (By the way, the Six Million Dollar Man is a cyborg, human with artificial parts. Data from ST:TNG is an android, a human looking robot. )

Most people may have heard of some of Albert Pyun's movies. But, the problem is reviewing them. What kind of ability does it take to suck any interest out of the storyline of a movie? That would be Pyun's mutant gift. I've got a couple on tape I haven't watched in years. I probably would have forgotten I had Knights on tape if not for a friend of mine that mentioned a movie with a midget in a Kris Kristofferson mask in a woman's backpack. I plan to get around to that movie at some point in the future. The few Pyun movies I have never seemed as bad as Mean Guns.

A lot of movies have taken the POV monster shot from Sam Raimi. Various editing tricks were employed in this movie with little ryhme or reason. Albert Pyun has decided to use the strange jump cuts and color filters for Mean Guns. The shots are supposed to give energy to the movie. The color filters only show how not to use them in a movie. We've seen when color filters, jump cuts, and screen wipes aren't able to save a movie or make it visually exciting. Battlefield Earth has a lot to atone for. A number of pointless flashbacks try to point to some revelations about the characters. Unfortunately, they point so far away as to be complete wastes of our time.

It is impossible to write about this movie without mentioning its main flaw. No one can divorce Albert Pyun from writing about this movie. In fact, I have dwelt more on discussing Pyun more than about Mean Guns. If you could have cut the main flaw from the movie, I'm sure this movie wouldn't have been great but at least tolerable. This movie does sound a bit like Battle Royale. Instead of Japanese schoolkids, a 100 assassins must fight until 3 are left. That premise has a lot of promise. What can kill such a premise? If 3 minutes into the movie, you can't believe it's 3 minutes that's normally not a good sign. Flashing the name of Albert Pyun at the beginning is a warning.

Ice-T has a lot of ability no matter what you get out of this movie. For some reason, his appearances as half kangaroo and man in Tank Girl or the rebel leader in Johnny Mnemonic are a lot more believable than a mambo loving mob lord. You get the feeling he was only on the set for a day or two at most. Most of his scenes have him watching a number of monitors to see what everyone else is doing. He's done a movies where he's played a better villain or anti-hero. I almost get the feeling he got on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit to stay away from these kinds of movies. Ricochet would probably be my favorite movie of his. It has got evil John Lithgow and plenty of ways for Denzel Washington to suffer.

Christopher Lambert is hard to accept as a bleach blonde psychopath. He's played so Connor McCleod and other heroes to the point you just don't see him as a nutcase assassin. We get so many vague flashbacks that don't even give us any idea of what is going on in Lou's head. They shouldn't have been included. I'm sure my plot description almost gets across how pointless and confusing these flashbacks are. I have to admit I got a kick of when he start had to stole one of the most famous lines from Highlander and altering it..."There can be only 3...."

Hoss and Crowe are probably the most entertaining characters to ever be in any Pyun movie. A lot of it is just insane wisecracks. Complementing each other by using the word "iota." We aren't lucky enough to get some witty Kevin Smith or Tarantino dialogue. Unfortunately, that isn’t hard to imagine from a guy that has made 4 Nemesis movies. Until, we learn once more that friendship is secondary to a chick. Could anyone not see how they were bound to die because of the Trollop?

These aren't characters as much as they are broad archetypes you'd expect to find in someone's attempt at making a Hong Kong John Woo style action movie. We've got the world weary killer, the leather clad assassin chick, and the totally off-his-rocker whacko killer. It is a cheat to escape having to give characters any semblance of depth. Style over substance is one thing. The characters in Mean Guns are charcters you can't connect to in any fashion. Who is the closest audience related character? Karen with her trademark pending "I shouldn't be here" speech.

Mean Guns tries to be more than just a lot of people shooting at each other. Plot is a something of a challenge to follow. A number of plot points that don't give the story depth. These points just make it even harder for anyone to follow the story. Lou is insane and vengeance crazed after his daughter was raped. The next scene had Marcus apologizing for killing Lou's daughter. It seems the little blonde girl isn't Lou's daughter and wants him killed. If that is confusing, how about this? Karen, the lady who shouldn't be there, has evidence on someone. Marcus is determined to keep her alive because of it. In the end, the evidence would somehow implicate Ice-T. Barbie's angry husband sent Karen the pics to get revenge on Ice-T for porking his Trollop of a wife.

A lot of action movies love the techno soundtracks with staccato drum beats. The 80s had more the power ballad style soundtracks. I never thought any action movie would have the Mambo soundtrack for an extended gunfight has to be one of the strangest things. The more I think about it I'm not sure if it was a bad idea by being so off-the-wall. Or should I appreciate it for not relying on the generic action soundtrack.

This movie’s plot is a long time gunfight. Not a real time movie, but a movie that consists of our protagonists shooting nearly 100 people. Quite a Body Count. Could I legitimately ignore such a great Body Count joke with an Ice-T movie?

Quotable Dialogue
"Your boys are kind of fresh, boss."
"There can be only 3."
"I really hate this man."
"Valium, Prozac, and Ritalin, the breakfast of champions..."
"Good word, iota."
"We're cannibalistic bears."
Morals of the Story
Chess is to the death.
Prisons have assembly lines.
Single barrel shot guns can shoot 15 times before reloading.
Cocktail dresses are effective combat attire.
Women take a while to notice if their hair is on fire.