Plot:
Please excuse the mangled names.....
80s power ballad is belted out as the credits roll. The theme song is “White Light” and is song by an Irish guy. This truly is an international production.
At a castle, the evil army has defeated their opponents. Evil Woman, Tomazusa, has a fit that all of her enemies save one are dead: the Princess Shizu of the
clan Satomi. Anyways, Tomazusa prepares a potion and goes through the secret passage to the hidden temple. All the severed heads are in a row. She dumps
blood in the altar. This is some freaky stuff.
It is a dark and stormy night. A couple is helping Princess Shizu escape. They are trying to get her to her uncle’s castle. She’s on a high horse. Woman, you’re
family was slaughtered by a psycho witch and her army. A little gratitude won’t kill you. Wait, Shizu has to learn that later in the movie. They keep traveling. The evil
army on horses is in pursuit. Shizu is hidden. The wife is dressed like a princess and runs off. Her husband stands his ground to slow the army by fighting
them, if fighting consists of quickly being cut down. The army chases after the fake princess. The dying man tells Shizu to get to her uncle’s castle.
Back at the hidden temple, Tomazusa has the woman impersonating Shizu on an altar. We get a little of the back story. Shizu’s grandfather slaughtered Tomazusa’s
clan. Something about a curse is glossed over, too. They are going to graft the fake Shizu’s skin onto Mottofuji, Tomazusa’s son. Finally realize that the woman
isn’t Shizu. The idol is angry.
The next day, Shinbae is riding through a village. He hassles the village folk. It turns out this is where he was raised. Shinbae learns that his father is dead. He wanted
to be a ninja. In the forest, he sees someone hide and follows them. It is Shizu dressed as a boy. Shinbae offers Shizu some food and runs her out of the hiding
place. He catches her and finally realizes she’s a girl. Well, is it that hard to recognize females in medieval Japan? 2 guys show up to help her. They ride
off with her. Sonny Chiba is wearing a big hat. His character’s name is Dostoievsky or something like that so I’ll be sticking with Sonny Chiba.
Do you like my hat?
The evil army chases them. A little dynamite distracts the army so Sonny, Shizu, and another chosen one can escape. Shinbae learns that there is a reward for the
Princess Shizu.
That night around a campfire, Sonny tries to explain what is happening. 100 years ago, the Hikita clan was evil. Shizu’s ancestors destroyed most of the Hikita
clan. The survivors placed a curse on the Satomi clan. The head of the Satomi clan offered the hand of his daughter to the one who could bring the head of the Hikita
clan to him. Well, his dog brought the head. Though it was a joke the Satomi’s clan’s leader still had to abide his word. The princess and the dog lived in a
cave. Well, a group decided to free her. In the process, she was killed. As she lay dying, 8 crystals shot out of her body. In 100 years the crystals will become men
to follow Shizu and help her lift the curse. They have to find the other 6 samurai. Shizu is pretty hysterical at this point. We learn Sonny is fired up to help her because
he only has a month to live.
They're cool, we know
Back at the evil temple, Tomazusa is pleading with the idol. The 8 ninjas with the crystals must be found before they destroy her and the Hikita clan. Her son,
Mottofuji, tries to console her. They have to be circus people to console like that or belong to a sideshow of the trans-mundane. This is one freaky, creepy clan.
A boat ride is being taken out night by a group of people. It is a wedding ride. The bride’s brother, Shino, is depressed about something. At the wedding banquet, a
snake crawls in the room. The Dancer, Keinero, is going to kill the groom, a local magistrate. She cuts his head off and escapes.
The bride wants to marry Shino. All together class…Ewwwwwww. They aren’t blood relation just raised like they were. Everyone thinks that Shino had the
Dancer kill the groom. Dad fights Shino. Sister takes sword blow from Dad and dies. Shino goes ballistic at this point. The crystal appears in Shino’s hand.
Dancer still has the severed head. Yorizuki, also known as Creepy Guy, shows up. He is trying to be Rico Suavay. Dancer has a crystal, too. She runs off. The witch
arrives on the scene.
Shinbae is doing his Tarzan vine-swinging impression. He sets a trap. Tomazusa is right in front of him. He runs from her and finds a rotting eyeless corpse. This
would be a plot point.
Near a waterfall, a woman enters a temple. No, this isn’t the evil temple. Dancer and Shino are there. They fight each other. Sonny and the rest of the samurais
arrive. Mom is complaining of eye pain. I’m going to dub her Henrietta for the demon possessed Henrietta from Evil Dead 2. She suggests that Shizu
might want to bathe after the past few days. Henrietta has some freaky eyes.
Someone's in my root cellar with a fresh soul...
Shizu is bathing. Tomazusa appears out of nowhere. Shizu tries to hide and runs into the creepy Henrietta, who wants her eyes. She grabs Shizu. The Samurai are on
the scene. Henrietta rips her face off and turns into a demon centipede. I’m going to go off of the movie for a minute. It never flat out says that Henrietta is
the evil witch, but she has to be. The eyeless corpse and I don’t remember seeing the witch anymore afterwards in the movie.
They fight the giant centipede. Shizu runs. Great leader, huh? The centipede follows her. Each of the crystals emits an energy blast that hit the centipede. The beams
kill the centipede.
Sonny realizes that Shino and Dancer are of the 8. Dancer apologizes for inadvertently killing Shino’s chick. If the groom was alive, Sister wouldn’t have
gotten between Shino and Dad and been stabbed. Shizu gets a closer look at the crystals.
Tomazusa is freaking out. She and the army retreat. Shizu wants to find the rest of the samurais.
Back at the evil temple, Tomazusa is in the blood pool.
Witchcraft is used on several women they have captured. All of them are pretty. A butterfly flies by one of them. She breathes on it and the butterfly dies. The
women are totally poisonous.
Shizu and the merry group of samurai trod onward. Shinbae catches Shizu and escapes. The race is on. We are treated to Shinbae swinging through the air
with the greatest of ease carrying Shizu. She manages to escape him who eventually catches her. He ties her up. He wants to turn her over to Tomazusa
for a reward. They come to a burnt out village. The village was loyal to Shizu. And the evil army approaches.
The army finds a couple of children that escaped the carnage of the village. Shizu and Shinbae watch. Shizu wants to turn herself in to save the kids. Shinbae
prevents her from doing it.
Shinbae is about to get in the fight. The soldiers ride away. Shizu finds Shinbae. Shizu wants to give the kids a proper burial. She blames herself for the deaths
of these people. They take the kids off and bury them. Shizu is willing to go to Tomazusa’s castle.
A group of peasants finds them. Shizu wants to turn herself in to end the misery that’s being inflicted on the people. They run from the peasants that want the reward
offered on Shizu. They hide in a cave. The peasants don’t follow them. In the cave are a group of people that want Shizu and Shinbae out of the cave until she plays
a flute. This was the flute of the Satomi princess that lived with the dog. The cave dwellers are friendly when they learn she is Shizu. The Samurai are there. Even
better, the cave dwellers have 2 more of the chosen 8. When will we learn that Shinbae is one of the eight?
Shinbae doubts the power of the crystals. Sonny is mad at him, wants him dead. Shizu asks Shinbae to leave, and he does.
Shizu and the Samurai keep on walking. Shinbae follows them. Sonny gets Shino and another samurai to kill Shinbae. The fight is on. Shinbae wants to know if Shizu
ordered the hit. Back with the main group, Shizu learns that some of the samurai are going to kill Shinbae. Back at the fight, Shinbae fell off of the cliff. Shizu goes
back and sees the body at the bottom of a cliff. Assuming he’s dead, she throws the flute beside his body and leaves. We know what happens when you assume...
Shinbae is just a little battered.
The evil army finds Shinbae and takes him to the castle. Shinbae is questioned by Tomazusa. Apparently, he has the same birthmark as Tomazusa and Mottofuji,
too. Shinbae is the son of Tomazusa. He doesn’t believe her. Again, I repeat Tomazusa is creepy. Shinbae is freaked out by her behavior. She seems to be hitting
on him. Supposedly, Shinbae’s memories will return. A tour of the castle will jog his memory. He begins to remember.
Shinbae plays the flute that Shizu dropped by him. Everyone acts like the flute music is causing them pain like a dog whistle. I didn’t think he was that bad of
a flute player. Mottofuji stabs him. Tomazusa is disturbed by losing Shinbae. OK, Motto is evil. At least, Tomazusa is sad at the loss of her son.
Shizu is asleep. In the cave, the Samurai hear a horse coming. A soldier of Tomazusa’s arm is there. His name is Gambatchi. He has brought Shinbae’s body with
him. Everyone learns that Shinbae is the brother of Mottofuji. Apparently, Shinbae’s flute playing freed Gambatchi. Shizu is obviously saddened by seeing
the body of Shinbae.
Shinbae awakens. I thought he was dead. Let’s consider him to be dead, that way we have a zombie ninja. The Samurais fight him. Shinbae believes that Shizu
ordered his death. Shizu tries to convince him she loves him. He jumps and in midair is struck by lightning. Could he be the 8th Samurai now? Shizu discovers
Shinbae is alive. The other Samurais leave the two of them alone. Shinbae has a crystal. He is one of the chosen ones. Shinbae has even lost his evil birthmark.
Samurai lovin’ ensues while a 80s love song assaults us.
A giant snake attacks them. I swear a cave wall bounces when Shinbae is thrown against it. The snake flies away after capturing Shizu. Shinbae is in hot
pursuit. Tomazusa and her army has Shizu finally, laughs. And, they all disappear.
This isn't funny anymore...
All of the Samurais placed their crystals in a statue. A beam of light makes a statue appear. This statue gives a bow and arrow for Shizu. This bow and
arrow when wielded by Shizu can destroy Mottofuji.
This is the ultimate weapon....
Sonny gives the bow to Shinbae. We get some triumphant instrumental music as the 8 Samurais ride to the temple. At least, they didn’t steal, the Rocky Theme
or Chariots of Fire.
At the evil temple, Shizu is tied to the altar. Se’s surrounded by the evil Mottofuji and Tomazusa. She learns she will be skinned to improve Mottofuji’s skin. In the
modern day injecting botulism into your face keeps away wrinkles. Is society really that far advanced from skinning your enemy to improve your looks?
All of the Samurai are in a boat now. How far is this temple? At various points men on horseback can go from the temple to the cave where the Samurai
were. But, now, it is on the other side of the planet. No wonder in Krull they were mentioning how the enemies castle moved everyday.
The temple guards managed to spot the Samurais approach. The poison women are being readied for the fight.
The Samurais are outside the tunnels that lead to the temple. The flying snake attacks them. Are there enough movies where Ninjas fight a flying snake? Too
few… I should mention that the words Ninja and Samurai are routinely interchanged here. I’m trying to stick with Samurai because it’s in the title. Back to
the movie. The Snake grabs Dancer. The evil Army attacks the remaining Samurai.
| Counting down the Missing or Dead Samurai |
|---|
| Dancer is missing |
Dancer gets free from the snake. She spots Yorizuka, creepy guy from earlier in the movie. They fight.
The main fight. They get to the temple door. Gambatchi warns them there is a trap on the other side of the door and volunteers to go first to atone for his past. The
Samurais get the door open. Gambatchi gets a salvo of arrows through the chest. But before dying, he gets rid of the archers.
| Counting down the Missing or Dead Samurai |
|---|
| Gambatchi |
The 6 remaining Samurai fight on…
A gate traps them. The Cave dwelling Samurai open the gate. But, they are turned to stone for some reason.
| Counting down the Missing or Dead Samurai |
|---|
| Kid |
| Other Cave Samurai |
Dancer is still fighting Yorizuka. She pins the flying snake to the wall. The fight continues. She runs a sword through him. In return, Dancer gets a sai run through
her chest. We get a prolonged death scene for Dancer. While watching her death scene, I was rooting for her to die quicker, it’s that bad.
| Counting down the Missing or Dead Samurai |
|---|
| Dancer is dead a terrible overacted scene too late….. |
We return to the main fight already in progress. They get to the room with the blood pool. The poison women strike. Another Samurai dies.
| Counting down the Missing or Dead Samurai |
|---|
| Shino |
Sonny, the guy who was with Sonny from the beginning and, Shinbae are the only remaining Samurai. They fight a bomb throwing old guy. Sonny’s friend is left behind
after being wounded.
| Counting down the Missing or Dead Samurai |
|---|
| Guy with no name, Sonny’s friend…. |
It is down to Sonny and Shinbae to save the day. Finally, they get to the inner sanctum of the temple. Both of them are doing pretty well up to this point. Some
serious kung fu is being meted out… Sonny is finally stabbed from behind. He uses some magic lightning ribbon thing to kill a lot of the soldiers in the room. And half
the room collapses from his attack.
| Counting down the Missing or Dead Samurai |
|---|
| Sonny |
Shinbae is wailing on the army all by his lonesome. Get a good decapitation. Yes, a severed body part in a Sonny Chiba movie. The severed body parts continue to
occur in a high percentage of Sonny movies. Back to the movie.
Tomazusa is laughing evilly. Shinbae tries to kill her. He learns they are immortal. They cannot die unless you take their head and with it their power. OK, the last
sentence is from Highlander. Tomazusa is hitting on him again. Dude that’s your mother…Shinbae frees Shizu from the altar.
Mottofuji has had enough of this nonsense. He’s going to get rid of Shinbae once and for all.
Intimidating, aren’t I?
They fight. Mottofuji is about to strike Shizu. Shinbae prevents it. The sword strikes the bow Shinbae is carrying on his back. The bow starts glowing. Shinbae uses
the bow to fight Mottofuji. The bow can inflict damage on Mottofuji just by touching him. Finally, Mottofuji is killed and decomposes very fast because he was
immortal.
Tomazusa is distraught about the death of Mottofuji. Shinbae again demonstrates his ability to swing through the air with the greatest of ease carrying Shizu. Shizu has
the bow and has to shoot the evil spirit. I guess that be would be what I thought was the idol. Tomazusa pleads with Shinbae to not do it while cradling the desiccated
corpse of Mottofuji.
I have a sharp pain in my chest.
The arrow runs right through Tomazusa’s heart if she had one. I have to say this.
Shot to the heart and you’re to blame… We get to see another mummified
corpse.
The temple is falling apart as soon as Tomazusa died. Shinbae and Shizu escape from the temple while many explosions occur. They get to the river and see the
castle be destroyed, too. Shizu is getting all whiny again about how so many people died, etc…
Shinbae escorts Shizu to her uncle’s castle. Shinbae wants Shizu to stay with her uncle. The whole “We’re from 2 Different Worlds” Spiel. Shizu goes inside and
Shinbae storms off.
Her Uncle welcomes her. Shizu is upset about how 7 of the 8 Samurai are dead. Her uncle is apparently not picking up the fact that Shizu has matured and
is more concerned with others that pretty gardens, etc…He also wants to help her rebuild her castle. But, what does Shizu want? Sweet Kung Fu lovin’ from
the Tarzan swinging Shinbae.
Far away, Shinbae is making monuments to honor the fallen Samurai. Shizu rides up to him. She wants Shinbae. She may be more mature but not any
smarter. Shinbae hears the voices of the fallen Samurai tell him to get the girl and leave with her. Shizu and Shinbae ride off together. Touching ending…
