Plot:
A narrator tells us that Santa lives in a castle on a cloud over the North Pole. The ripe jolly old elf is setting up a Nativity scene on his mantel.
Santa goes over and plays with his organ. Not that organ you, perverts. An actual pipe organ called Toyland. It has a video screen which shows various groups of Children
working for Santa. All the elves are probably went over to Willy Wonka’s factory when the Oompa Loompas went on strike. The only joy these kids have is there ability to
spontaneously perform musical numbers.
We go through a twisted version of Disney’s “It’s a Small World.” I hope you enjoy this. We get to see numbers from Africa, Spain, China, England, Japan, Orient (India), Russia,
France, Germany, Italy, Caribbean, South America, Central America, USA, and Mexico.
Si, we have no bananas....
Santa is chuckling at each group and seems to be playing that organ like Jerry Lewis. One of the children brings Santa a prototype of a devil doll.
That segues ways into Hell. Various devils are frolicking around the kiddie pool of sulfur and brimstone. Lucifer wants Pitch to defeat Santa or suffer for his failure. Pitch enjoys
a diet of burning hot coals. If he fails, Pitch will get nothing but chocolate ice cream. Maybe he should try to get some of the food pills from Dropo.
At a mall display, a robot Santa is laughing maniacally almost like the fat Red Cheese himself. Our narrator introduces Billy, the good little rich boy. Then we meet the poor little girl,
Lucita, who just wants a doll.
Pitch finds 3 little terrors.
Jimmy, the guy on my right is dressed awfully funny even for a John Tesh concert....
These little monsters don’t need much convincing. They get some rocks and break the store’s window and hit the fake Santa.
In his castle, Santa somehow feels the pain of the attack. He knows Pitch is behind it. Santa can only go to Earth on Christmas Eve.
Santa’s slave labor know that Pitch was talking to Lucita and the punk kids. Santa’s has an observatory to spy on everyone on Earth.
Lucita is watching a puppet show and dreaming of her doll. In the outdoor market, she grabs a doll from a vendor. Pitch is trying to convince her to keep it. However, Lucita gets
it back. Pitch is still tempting her.
Santa cheers that Lucita did the right thing. Then, the search to look for the other kid begins in earnest. EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW… The boy is asleep. Santa uses
his dreamscope with its very long and tentacle like periscope.
Ahhhhhh, Santa's into tentacle hentai!!!!!!
Billy wants his parents to be with him on Christmas Eve.
Next, the fat red cheese spies on Lupita’s dream. Unfortunately, Pitch gets in her dream. She dreams of having a doll and is surrounded by a flock of giant two-faced dolls that
break down into dance numbers. They tell Lupita to steal. She will only get a doll if she is evil…Lupita keeps repeating that stealing is bad before waking up.
Santa checks out the terrible three. They want to steal. They have an excellent plan to write a letter to Santa saying they’re good. Unfortunately, Santa yells at them he is wise to
their shenanigans.
Billy writes a letter to Santa asking for his parents to stay with him on Christmas Eve and for a younger brother about his age?
Various kids are writing letters to Santa. The devious 3 continue their terrible plot. Massive mailings ensue. The post master drops the letters in the incinerator. The letters fly to
Santa’s castle. Santa rolls around in the letters like Demi Moore does in money.
Santa starts reading the letters. The evil 3’s letter is dropped in the ignore box. Billy’s letter is sent to the stork.
At the workshop, Santa tells his helpers to work harder and faster.
Apparently, Merlin is Santa’s assistant.
I'm Gandalf's little brother, Gregory...
Merlin is in his lab. Santa has come for the sleeping potion. Merlin mixes up a fresh batch and gives Santa the disappearing flower, too.
Santa visits the shirtless blacksmith and key maker. This key will open every door on Earth. Santa tests out the magic key of gold which works perfectly.
Santa has to get into shape to fit into the chimneys. The vibrating strap around your stomach will reduce inches off your waistline.
The kids are inspecting the reindeer when a song breaks out. Santa arrives. He discusses with a Russian kid why he’ll keep his reindeer instead of Sputnik rockets. Santa has to
get back before dawn. Sunlight will melt the albino reindeer obviously a design flaw. Santa couldn’t survive on Earth food.
Another song breaks out as the kids fill Santa’s bag, his bag full of toys.
The mechanical reindeer are wound up and ready for action. Psychotic reindeer laughter ensues. The fat red cheese is off. On his way to earth, he almost hits the moon.
Pitch is hard at sleeping.
Billy’s parents leave for the night. What kind of parent leaves their kid alone on Christmas Eve? They probably have some kind of kinky swinging party to go to attend.
The rude 3 plan their attack on Santa to take all the toys. Then, they will enslave Santa and make him do whatever they want.
Lupita is about to go to bed when Mom explains about Santa. She’s obviously distraught about Christmas. They pray to Santa for a doll.
Santa is on his way.
Pitch is waiting for the fat red cheese.
Santa approaches Mexico City.
Pitch pushes a chimney out of place. Santa gets on the roof. He misses the huge gaping hole beside the chimney. Santa realizes Pitch is behind it when he can’t slide down the
chimney. He uses his magic parasol to float gently to the ground and uses the key to go through the front door.
A couple of kids hear Santa enter. He uses his magic sleep powder on them.
Pitch pushes the chimney back in place. Santa blows ashes in his face. Komedy….
Pitch is at another house dancing around. He almost sets Santa’s pants on fire.
His next prank involves superheating the door knob to keep Santa’s key from working and to burn his hand. However, our wise old elf sneaks in through a window. He skulks
about placing the presents while Pitch is waiting at the front door. Santa shoots a dart from a cannon smack dab in the middle of devil ass.
Billy goes downstairs. He really misses his parents. Sitting by the tree, Billy falls asleep when Santa arrives. He places the presents around the tree. Santa has a special gift
for Billy. He uses the dream powder to allow Billy to actually see Santa. Billy hugs his boots and wants the fat red cheese to love him. This boy’s got issues. Santa explains that
his parents truly love him.
At a Christmas party, Billy’s parents are mingling. They are given a special drink by a waiter we don’t see only hear. It is Santa. This drink allows them to remember who they
truly love. Billy’s parents head home to Billy. Touching reunion ensues.
Apparently, the 3 twerps are the only kids on Earth who will listen to Pitch. They plan the attack on Firebase Santa. They will trip him with a rope. A loud flute starts playing
when a meteor passes in the sky. The kids suddenly get scared and chicken out. They head inside to see what Santa left them. Each got a lump of coal. Pitch plays each kid off
each other until they are fighting.
Santa goes down another chimney. Pitch climbs aboard the sleigh. The reindeer won’t obey him. Pitch gets a pair of scissors. Santa climbs back on. Pitch cuts open the bag
of sleep powder and the disappearing flower.
Santa arrives at his next stop unaware of his missing tools. Pitch sics a pit bull on Santa who realizes he can’t put the dog down. Santa climbs a tree. Pitch is going to wake the
neighborhood to see Santa up a tree.
Santa cries out for Merlin.
Pitch awakens a couple to think a prowler is outside. He wakes the rest of the family in the house.
Pitch torments Lupita about not stealing. Lupita’s mom is still torn up about Christmas.
Santa is still up a tree. Pedro is in the observatory and hears his cries.
Why do I think this inspired Gene Simmons?
The entire family is up and looking for the prowler.
Pedro tells Merlin of Santa’s plight.
Pitch plays each family member against each other to be the bravest to find Santa.
Swarms of fire trucks and police are approaching the house.
Pitch will rule the world after getting rid of Santa.
Merlin contacts Santa. With only a few minutes before dawn, Santa explains about being up a tree.
Merlin wants Santa to use a toy cat to distract the dog. He hears the approaching sirens while the family slowly heads outside to search.
Santa uses the cat which the dog chases. Santa escapes before the police and paramedics find him.
Pitch gets hosed down by the firemen.
The disappearing flower falls beside Lupita’s house. Lupita and her Mom are asleep when the unemployed father returns. He was looking for work at 4:00 AM on Christmas
Day, that’s determination.
Lupita awakens and talks of Santa and his reindeer. She mentions a doll was left outside for her. She rushes to get it. Mom realizes there is actually a Santa and has a look of
absolute shock on her face.
Lupita blathers on about Santa’s castle while carrying her doll.
Santa returns to his castle….
