Plot:
In Western Europe, in 1501, a castle is under siege. A group of mercenaries receive communion before going into battle. Arnolfini wants to reclaim his castle. He will allow the
soldiers 24 hours of looting if they succeed.
Martin and his crew get ready for business. The broadswords are ready for some serious slashing.
Steven, Arnolfini’s son, is a true renaissance man. He has developed a bomb, a barrel filled with gunpowder and a long fuse, which should blow the gates. Unfortunately, the fuse
is a bit quicker than the barrel roller. The mercenaries swarm the castle and break through the walls.
Broad sword fu ensues.
Captain Hawkwood, in armor, is searching for a sniper. Someone is using a gun at a distance. He finds the room and hacks first and asks questions later. It is a young
woman. (Note: I’m not sure is she was supposed to be a nun.)
Hawkwood wants the priest to save the injured girl.
Let the looting begin. Martin talks with Steven as they enter the castle.
Hawkwood and the priest try to save the bucking naked chick. He will have to pay her medical expenses which will be tremendous.
Arnolfini realizes offering the mercenaries free reign of his castle for 24 hours will clean him out. He wants the mercenaries out of his castle. In fact, Hawkwood must betray his
troops.
Martin has gotten his loot. Apparently, Celine, one of the mercenary trollops, is about to pop out a baby. Cardinal, the soldiers’ priest, has a sense of impending doom.
Grogging, reveling, and dancing ensues. The mercenaries head to the town square. The streets are blocked off, trapping them like rats. With cannons pointed at them, Hawkwood
demands they surrender and return the loot. A couple of cannon blasts, the mercenaries are forced to oblige.
As the mercenaries are escorted out of the city, Steven is disgusted by the treachery of his father. Hawkwood is paid and given a house in the country for him and girl.
As it rains, in some caves, Celine is giving birth.
Snap into a Slim Jim!
The baby is still born. Martin buries his son. While digging the grave, they find a statue of Saint Martin. Martin sees finding
his namesake as a sign. The Cardinal eulogizes that Martin will find great riches and share with them. One of mercenaries badmouths the eulogy, and is run through by the
Cardinal. Martin vows revenge against those that cheated them.
Steven is researching something. Arnolfini shows him a picture of his future wife, Agnes. She is on her way with an enormous dowry. Steven is upset because he doesn’t know
her. His father talks him into going hunting.
Covered wagons that would be right at home on Gunsmoke travel onwards. Agnes is unsure about the marriage and everything to do with men. She is unsure of how to
perform. Agnes orders her maid, Kathleen, to get her depths plumbed by her boyfriend. Voyeuristic Jennifer Jason Lee ensues. After seeing how they start, Agnes orders them to
stop fornicating and beats the guy with a branch.
Agnes seems to be awfully friendly with her maid awfully close to the Sapphic persuasion. Arnolfini and Steven ride up to the wagon train. Our Renaissance man, Steven, realizes
he was set up to meet Agnes. His father convinces the intended to take a ride together.
Steven admits to Agnes that he doesn’t want a wife now to distract him from science and scholarship. We’re getting awfully close to science fiction with Jennifer Jason Lee
wanting to marry as close to science geek as 1501 would allow. Anyways, she rides away after hearing his admission. Steven follows her, though.
They find a couple of hanged men. She digs for a mandrake root. IF they both eat it, they will fall in love. Suckin’ face ensues. So, our Steven realizes he’s getting Jennifer Jason
Lee after all.
A group of monks trudge along the road from the opposite direction of Arnolfini’s group. The monks ask for alms. It is actually Martin and his group. Sword fu ensues. Celine
manages to run a sword through Arnolfini. Martin is able to escape with the wagons and a hidden Agnes.
Hawkwood and his chick are farming when Steven rides up. He wants Hawkwood to go after Martin and retrieve Agnes. The chick has some kind of spell.
I love being encased in tinker toys
Arnolfini promises to get her committed to an asylum, one of those ones so bad that make the one in
Frankenstein and the Monster
from Hell look like Club Med. Hawkwood has no choice but leave retirement and pursue Martin.
That night, the mercenaries are reveling in their new found treasures. Martin discovers Agnes. Surrounded, she admits that Arnolfini is her future father-in-law. They hold her
down and are about to rape her. Martin decides to take her first. Agnes apparently enjoys the Hauer. She only wants him. He leaves her to the other men. A mysterious fire distracts
the group from Agnes. The statue has moved. It is pointing in a new direction. They go the new way.
Hawkwood and Steven’s group encounter a burial of a plague victim. One of the mourners is wearing Agnes’s dress that has been torn. It was found at an old campsite.
Martin’s group keeps heading onwards waiting for a sign. They stop when the statue moves again. It seems to point to a castle. It is interpreted that is where they’ll live.
Martin and Agnes scale the castle wall and down the chimney. They are chased by guards. Martin is able to open the gate and get his men inside and takes care of the
guards. Agnes tries to stop a nun from jumping off a parapet and taking a girl with her. She doesn’t see that the girl is alive.
St. Martin is placed in the castle. Martin’s group feasts. They keep the survivors for servants. Celine can’t stand Agnes, threat to her dominance. Feastin’ ensues. Martin tries
to use table manners like Agnes. However, the convent raised Agnes has a good idea of how to play footsie. Martin wants everyone to use table manners.
Summer wants to claim Agnes. Martin lets him go with her. The beating quickly ensues. Summer is tied to the table. Martin has claimed Agnes for himself.
Agnes and Martin are taking a bath. It would probably be in bad taste to make any water sports jokes. They frolic. More Jennifer Jason Lee flesh ensues.
Steven and Hawkwood are still searching. They find a girl. It is the one who was in the castle. They discover she has the plague after Hawkwood touches her.
Back at the castle, the mercenaries spot Agnes and Martin in white and acting all lovey-dovey. For some reason, a sing a long ensues. They see the soldiers approach. Agnes
tells Steven she’s ok. Martin’s crew begins the pelting of fruit. Agnes gets a message to Steven she still loves him. The soldiers ride off after Hawkwood falls over.
At camp, Hawkwood has the plague. The priest begins bleeding him. Steven has read from an Arabic text that the swelling should be lanced, instead. The priest won’t believe
anything from those heathens. Steven sees a dog lick up Hawkwood’s blood that would be a plot point, my friends.
Steven starts building his siege machine.
That night, Agnes is awakened by the distant hammering. Martin knows she loves Steven. He won’t let her leave him.
Hawkwood staggers out of his tenet and starts to lance the lesions himself. That’s a real man.
The siege machine approaches the castle. Imagine a wooden armored personnel carrier. Flaming arrows won’t stop the machine. The back opens and horses run out. A ladder
rises to scale the castle wall. The alder shoots out to impress any fireman on a hook and ladder brigade in the late 20th century. The mercenaries are shocked and amazed as the
soldiers scale the ladder with Steven in the lead.
Martin has a gunpowder bomb readied like the one Steven used at the beginning of the movie. He rolls out the barrel not of fun but destruction. It is rolled in to the siege
tank. Martin gets back in the castle before it blows. The soldiers fall from the ladder. The mercenaries easily rout the dazed soldiers. Agnes can’t find Steven.
Hawkwood is staggering about and is told that Steven and the others are dead. He’ll take care of them himself.
Hawkwood approaches the castle at night.
A shadow puppet theater ensues.
Old cartoons used to really suck.
The mercenaries find Steven in a tree. They get out of the tree. Agnes tries to convince Martin she can’t stand Steven to save his life. Steven
is chained like a dog. He is used for a little target practice. Martin gives Agnes a gun to do a little shooting. However, flying bloody organs distract everyone. They are parts of a
dog. Steven knows that the dog is infected with the plague.
Martin spies Hawkwood at a catapult launching pieces of Lassie at them.
Steven warns the mercenaries the dog has the plague. The group wants to leave. Martin convinces them to stay. They will just burn their clothes and parts of the dog. As a
bonfire ensues, Martin fondles Agnes to taunt Steven. Shadow porn theater ensues. No one notices that Steven has a piece of the dog hidden. Steven warns Agnes about the
dog. He drops it in the well. Agnes goes to bed with Martin.
Hawkwood is outside waiting.
The next morning, the mercenaries are getting water from the well. Breakfast with tainted water ensues. Agnes watches everyone drink water. She clumsily knocks Martin’s
mug from him. One woman is already sick. They discover the pitcher has a piece of dog in it. Agnes claims it fell in from Hawkwood’s barrage. Martin is starting to act awfully
holier than thou.
The mercenaries beat Martin. They throw him in the well. Agnes starts mocking Martin to knock get attacked by the group.
The mercenaries start to see what loot they can carry away.
Martin vows to free with the key to Steven’s chains if he can get him out of the well.
The Cardinal is whipping himself in front of everyone actually with a strap. A boy is coming down with the plague. Everyone is getting ready to leave.
Martin is still in the well. Steven manages to knock the well bucket to him. Martin climbs up the rope. He stalls from unchaining Steven when seeing soldiers approaching.
The mercenaries realize they are trapped. Agnes finds Martin. After she throws herself at him, Martin realizes she only loves him when necessary.
Kar is going to stay with Celine until she dies.
Martin tells the group that Arnolfini is outside. They hand him a sword.
Steven is still chained.
Soldiers use the battering ram on the gate.
Martin tells Arnolfini that Steven is still alive.
Although, he is almost electrocuted in the process, Steven is able to break the chain when lightning strikes it.
Martin learns the Steven has escaped.
As the mercenaries search for him, Steven is using science fu to his advantage. A roman candle shoved into a guy’s eye socket is fairly useful weapon. Steven opens the gate
to let his father and the soldiers inside.
The mercenaries are being routed. Kar is still alive and kicking until he gets the 4th or 5th spear through his chest. A couple of suicidal mercenaries ensue.
Martin is after Agnes.
The Cardinal fights Steven.
Martin admits he loves Agnes and starts choking her. I guess you always hurt the one you love.
Steven is still battling the insane cleric until the statue of St Martin falls and impales the Cardinal with its sword.
Steven rushes in and starts choking Martin. A wrestling match ensues. Agnes watches as Martin and Steven drown each other in the bathtub. Agnes gets a vase and breaks
it over Martin’s head. He collapses. Agnes and Steven leave unaware that Martin isn’t dead.
Hawkwood finds the two lovers. Martin wanders around the flaming wreckage in the room where he’s trapped.
The priest who believe lancing was unchristian is cutting the swellings of the boy with the plague. The only mercenary survivors are the women who latch on to these
soldiers. Hawkwood rides back to his home ignoring Arnolfini.
Steven and Agnes are sucking face.
Martin is on the parapet of the castle. Agnes manages to keep Steven from seeing him rappel down the wall. Everyone leaves.
Martin walks away from the castle.
