G.I. Joe the Movie (1987)

Cast:

Don "Sonny Crockett of Miami Vice" Johnson is Lt. Falcon
Sgt "I'll put the Cobra Clutch on you.." Slaughter is Sgt Slaughter
Burgess "Get up, cause Mickey loves..." Meredith is Golobulus

What the box says:

A 40,000-year-old race of snake people resurface, and with the help of Serpentor, Destro, and Dr. Mindbender, plan to eliminate all of mankind and rebuild Cobra. Once rulers of Earth, the Snake people were driven underground by ice-age temperatures. While in exile, they developed a plant whose spores turn ordinary people into mindless, weak animals. The key to their plan is G.I. Joe's secret project - the Broadcast Energy Transmitter (B.E.T.). Only this device generates enough heat so that the spores can mature. Humankind's very existence depends on G.I.Joe, but are they strong enough, smart enough, cunning enough to fight a warrior race with 40,000 years of experience?

Don Johnson, Burgess Meredith, Sgt. Slaughter, and others lend their amazing voice talents to this exciting animated feature.

Plot:

The Statue of Liberty is being attacked by skydiving Cobra soldiers. However, the Joes anticipated it or just love hanging around the Statue’s torch. As an 80s rock song that would embarrass anything Stan Bush sang for Transformers: the Movie, Cobra plants a bomb. This is more action than the entire series. Duke snatches the bomb and plants it on Cobra’s flying heli-carrier obviously they got from S.H.I.E.L.D’s rummage sale. Cobra Commander immediately calls for retreat in a Starscream whine…

Later, in a swamp next to the Legion of Doom’s base, numerous Cobra troopers are on patrol. Serpentor is chewing Cobra Commander out for his stupidity and failures. The closet to anyone standing up for Cobra Commander’s good points would be Destro bringing up his cowardice.

Meanwhile, Pythona, the mysterious stealthy chick, sneaks into the compound.

As the Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, Destro, Tomax, and Xamot all bring up all of Cobra Commander’s failures, the security alarm is sounded.

The troops chase after Pythona. Cobra Commander, Destro, the rest go to apprehend her. She manages to eliminate the troops. CC manages to lead everyone away Serpentor’s throne room in a subtle plot hoping Pythona will whack the Cobra Emperor.

In the throne room, Serpentor recognizes Pythona from his dreams. This is starting to sound a bit too much like a bad romance novel or slash fan fiction.

Elsewhere, the Joes are testing the Broadcast Energy Transmitter (BET.) Suddenly, Cobra shows up to attack the Joes and capture the BET. In the fight, Duke uses the BET to activate the BET to start up all the Joe’s unpowered weapons which automatically start attacking Cobra. It is Serpentor versus Duke when the Cobra Emperor accidentally gets electrocuted. CC automatically calls for a retreat seeing this is the best way to get rid of Serpentor from Cobra. They head into the mountains.

Duke sends Road Block and a group of Joes after CC and the rest of Cobra while the rest will take care of Serpentor.

Cobra heads into a blizzard when the Joes catch up to them. CC leads Cobra into a pass filled with giant pitcher plants when strange insectile armored guards attack the Joes.

Pythona wants Cobra to meet with Golobulus. That doesn’t sit well with CC who tries to escape. Pythona also wants Zartan, Zarana, and the Dreadnoks to rescue Serpentor from the Joes.

Duke meets with General Hawk and Flint. There has been no word from Road Block’s group. They decide to accelerate the new Joe training program.

Cut to Beachhead, yelling at all the new Joes. Big Lob looks like an escapee Harlem Globetrotter who uses more sports clichés than Bob Uecker and talks about himself in the 3rd person. Tunnel Rat is a guy who loves deep dark passages a bit too much. Law and Order is a military policeman and his bomb sniffing dog that loves to play catch a bit too much. Jinx is the sexy ninja girl that fights blindfolded. Chuckles is a guy who is wearing Magnum PI’s old Hawaiian shirt and doesn’t say anything. Beachhead is yelling about where Lt. Falcon is.

Elsewhere, the completely irresponsible Lt Falcon who obviously is the main her o of the movie, is sneaking a dumb blonde with a Southern accent that makes Scarlet O’Hara sound from the Bronx to see Serpentor. Duke arrives and starts yelling at him. Jinx escorts the blonde off the base.

The blonde turns out to be Zarana, Zartan’s sister, in disguise. She has a good idea of the security Serpentor is being held under.

Serpentor is in his laser barred prison cell.

Lt. Falcon sneaks off guard duty to hit on Jinx by groping her.

Zartan, the Dreadnoks, and Nemesis Enforcer break into the cell block and get past the guards to free Serpentor. The Joes are unable to stop the breakout. General Hawk vows to court martial Lt. Falcon.

Back in the Himalayas, Road Block, Lady Jaye, and the other Joes are imprisoned.

Golobulus rolls out the red crab carpet for Serpentor who falls at his feet. Golobulus sent idea to create Serpentor to Dr. Mindbender along with most of the technical expertise. However, important things are at hand such as the trial of CC.

Courtroom, the new recruits eavesdrop on Lt. Falcon’s court martial. Duke pleads for mercy on behalf of his half-brother, Lt. Falcon. General Hawk decides that Falcon may be worth the effort of turning into a Joe and sends him to the Slaughterhouse.

Golobulus will avenge CC’s wrongs. Flashback, the ice age destroyed most of Cobra-La’s civilization. Barbarians evolved and based their technology on inorganics. Cobra-La retreated to this ice dome. A brilliant noble was scarred and is CC. Golobulus sent CC into the world to destroy humanity. However, he has devised a new weapon: a fungus that shoots its spores into orbit. The spores will degenerate all life into primitive incompetents like fraternities. Only those under Cobra-La’s ice dome will survive. The BET is needed to develop the spores. Golobulus decides that CC is guilty. They spore him which starts him to devolving and throw him in with the Joes.

>!-- 47.30 -->

Lt. Falcon is dropped out of a chopper into the middle of a desert. He picks a fight with 3 guys: Mercer, Taurus, and Red Dog, when Sgt. Slaughter pulls up.

Road Block and the Joes are about to attempt an escape. CC follows them and warns Road Block it is a trap. The giant pitcher plants grab the Joes. CC will show Road Block a way out when he is blinded. The Devolving CC must take the blind Road Block to escape.

The spores are launched into orbit and Cobra heads out.

Road Block stumbles along and realizes that CC is devolving into a snake.

Sgt. Slaughter, the Renegades, and Falcon have a training exercise to infiltrate the Terrordrome.

The Joes hide the BET. However, the Baroness locates it easily enough.

Sgt. Slaughter, the Renegades, and Lt. Falcon spy on Serpentor who reveals Cobra’s plan to capture the BET. Sgt. Slaughter and the Renegades will distract the Cobra troops so Lt. Falcon can contact the Joe base, to no avail. Serpentor tries to get Falcon to talk by slapping him around. Sgt. Slaughter comes to the rescue and they get out in time.

Cobra attacks to capture the BET. Cobra-La troops ride in on giant worms that must have been grown on Arrakis or Perfection, Nevada. Cobra gets a hold of the BET. Sgt. Slaughter and Falcon arrive on the scene. Serpentor throws a snake javelin into Duke’s chest when he saves Falcon from getting the herpetological impalement. Serpentor escapes with the BET.

The Joes gather around Duke who wants Falcon to be a credit to his country and collapses. They claim Duke fell into a coma.

Serpentor brings he BET to Golobulus and uses it to ripen the spores in space.

The Joes locate where Golobulus is at are going to leave the new recruits behind.

Road Block and the snake CC run into Flint’s rescue part.

General Hawk, Sgt. Slaughter, etc attack Cobra-La.

The newbies learn of the plan to launch the spores and join with Flint’s group. Road Block’s eyes are easily fixed. However, they need CC to lead them to Cobra-La.

The Joes manage to free the Joes trapped in the plants. The fight is on…

Golobulus commands that all Cobra-La animals rise up to attack the Joes who head straight for Golobulus’s palace.

Falcon, Jinx, and Sgt. Slaughter reach the throne room. As Sgt Slaughter finally gets to lay the smack down on the bat-winged Kane wannabee, Jinx is doing her Daredevil style beatdown on Pythona. Lt. Falcon is having to contend with the genetically augmented Serpentor and finally drives him off.

Jinx and Slaughter take care of Pythona and Nemesis Enforcer.

Lt. Falcon has to contend with the snake-bottomed Golobulus. Falcon manages to shut off the BET. However, the pods have matured. Golobulus flies off content in knowing the Joes can’t stop the spores. Lt. Falcon fires up the BET and kicks it up to 11 to fry the spores before they reach the atmosphere. The BET overheats.

All of the Joes get out of Cobra-La before of the massive explosion. The Joes learn that Duke is out of his coma as Lt. Falcon convinces Jinx he really knows Don Johnson as they embrace...

What I Say
What We say:

This review has the far funnier and "special in a non-short bus" definition of the word with my co-reviewer Darksider from Darksider's Realm decreasing my craptacularity.

This is a silly movie, I can admit that now. Still, I can remember how I had to watch it any time it was television and rented it from the video store...The glory of the 1980s had all the great cartoons. By great, we didn't have the complete inanity of Captain Planet with deranged cartoons like Inhumanoids. But on to the big ones: Transformers and of course the GI Joe Movie or "this can't possibly be a 90 minute toy commercial, can it?" Darksider comment: Indeed if there was something that could keep an elementary school version of The DarkSider occupied, it was GI Joe in the afternoon. I even recall the first figures I bought being Tomax and Xamot followed by I think Dusty. Indeed all was well in my world.

The GI Joe Movie was originally planned on being released before the Transformers: the Movie. However, it got delayed. The original script was to have Duke die. Though with all the backlash for the Communists excuse me the Decipticons killing Optimus Prime, Duke only went into a coma and magically recovered at the end. Well, the bit about him falling into a coma or recovering is heard on camera. I surprised Duke didn't want Falcon to win this one for the Gipper beforegoing into his "coma." They just tacked in a bit of dialogue to say "he's ok, really..." There is something I'm not sure about, when the GI Joe movie was cut over 5 days and shown in the afternoon, I'm sure there was a bit about how the Joes needed a bit of the snake venom to cure Duke and partway through Falcon's fight with Serpentor, he manages to get some of it. Darksider comment: As for Duke's death, I mean coma, it really just came off as a death scene which it was originally meant to be. It just looked odd with the changed around scene. What I mean is, I'm not sure exactly who would cry over someone being in a coma so easily. Yeah its sad but hey, there is that chance they'd wake up right?"

Nowadays, people complain about how television in the 80s didn't portray violence realistically. You mean the A-Team wasn't real. Blasphemy...5 guys with machine guns couldn't hit the broad side of Rosie O'Donnell. Storm Troopers aren't even that bad... Darksider comment: I always found it amazing the Joes could in fact hit the BATS right in the chest but miss everything else in site. It happens a few times in this movie. That and the uncanny ability of hitting the eject button precisely at the right time in military aircraft.

Most of the cartoon movies of the 80s had to have voice actors that name recognition. Don "Looking for a hearbeat" Johnson, Sgt Slaughter, and Burgess Meredith are the main voice actors. Transformers the movie had Leonard "the Legend of Bilbo Baggins" Nimoy and Orson Wells. Granted, neither was good as having John Huston as Gandalf in the Hobbitt.

The opening scene with Cobra attack the Statue of Liberty was originally planned to be the movie's climax. Couldn't get much more American than apple pie or more patriotic than the Joes standing on top of the Staute of Liberty. I guess they don't care if they got any mud or exploded android parts on such a famous symbol of liberty and freedom.

If you pay close enough attention practically most of the Joes are in the movie though in not much more than glorified cameos. Several Joes like Gung Ho got injured and were easily not mentioned again. Roadblock spent most of his time stroking the snake who kept hisssing about "once a man..."Everyone wanted Snake Eyes to do his super incredible ninja beatdown skillz. We didn't even get a chance to leer at Lady Jaye...Just cause I watched Jem and the Holograms, who are you to judge me? We had the new recruits and Sgt Slaughter's group which got most of the run time.

I did some research about the GI Joe movie checked on wikipedia, that claims that in cartoon after the movie, the Baroness somehow converts CC back to human. I don't remember that episode...However, it sounds likely something anyone could never forget....

I had forgotten what a truly maniacal evil overlord, Serpentor, was. The blustering and insulting his minions..."This I command!!" Well, we can see where he got his sociopathic tyranical skills from Golobulus who only lacks the "This I command" saying to get to the Dr. Evil parody level. Darksider comment: Then came Serpentor who at first I thought was cool. He came out along side a few other interesting new characters like Dr. Mindbender. However, as the popular web site made the term famous, Serpentor is when the show "Jumped The Shark". There was nothing interesting about him aside he flew a chariot and chucked snakes from his collar.

Don't quit reading there's more and it's better...

I think perhaps if the Joes dropped the "don't ask, don't tell" policy and went to Broadway the end result would be the opening of this film. Sadly however, the song (which basically can be described as an extended remix of the cartoon theme) gets nailed into your head and lingers worse than a Milli Vanilli song. Basically, you don't want to be heard humming it but eventually you will be caught doing it. The best part of the opening score is the vocals "COBRA" being followed by Cobra Commander's exclamation of "COBRA". I had to really laugh at hearing Serpentor yelling out the "Cobra-La La La La La La" battle cry. Maybe its just me but I feel "La La La" should be left to song fillers where there aren't any real lyrics. SOON comment: "La LA LA should only be sung by Doo-Wop groups from the 50s and Smurfs... Well unless you make it cool Apache war cry sounding like the high pitched residents of Cobra-La do it.

One has to wonder about Quick Kick presence in the arctic. Glad to see he found a way to get his bandolier over a parka. Then again one has to wonder about Quick Kick's presence in general. He never seems to do too much of anything accept get tossed around by adversaries and crack really bad jokes which makes even me blush. SOON comment: That would make QUICK Kick the Joe equivalent of Bumblebee in the Transformers.

The edition of mystical warriors to the cartoon really made me lose touch when I was young. First there was Serpentor who was brought forth by mixing famous leaders' DNA with snails and puppy dog tails or something. Also, the whole bit with Serpentor's existence was a bit baffling too. Serpentor simply walked around exclaiming, as SOON pointed out, "THIS I COMMAND". Boring one-dimensional character with no apparent appeal never seem to make it. I understand later in the series he got an arrow to the eye courtesy of Zartan. Too bad it was too late. Apparently, Dr. Mindbender's 8 year degree in evil psychology was all for naught. SOON comment: Dr. Mindbender just learned his greatest achievement was nothing more than following an evil madman's instructions for the Lil Genetic Engineering easy bake oven..Had to be a blow to the poor mad scientist's ego...

Now with this movie comes a character that fights with swamp creatures. Makes me think of Jon Mikl Thor's epic battle in Rock N' Roll Nightmare with killer starfish. Not a good memory by the way.

Perhaps one thing that kept me giggling throughout the movie is the battle over the "BET". Of course today that would be "Black Entertainment Television". My infantile mind kept thinking that the Joes and Cobra were fighting over Jermaine Dupri music videos. SOON comment: I was hoping for the Joes inducting Sir-Mix-A-Lot to fight the villainy of Cobra...

I figure now is a good time to talk about some of the rookies in the movie. You figure with such a monumental release of the Joe movie, they'd at least supply some new and exciting characters. Well lets check the laundry list:

1.) Tunnel Rat, a Joe who hangs out in tunnels...sounds kinky. SOON Comment: Just cause he likes shoving himself in wet and dark places and man-hugging guys who look like they won the state basketball championship nothing kinky about that, no sireebob...

2.) Big Lob, a Joe who acts like Marv Albert giving his own play by play. SOON comment: If only he referred to himself as having a long bomb or sinking a ball from half court...

3.) Jinx, a Joe who is pretty much the female version of Quick Kick. Just what we needed. SOON comment: A ninja chick who was groped and didn't shove the Lt Falcon's arm where the sun don't shine sideways.

4.) Chuckles, a Joe who finds pressing a rocket launch button too boring and simply chucks missiles at the enemy. SOON Comment: What branch of the military has Hawaiian shirts for a uniform?

5.) Law & Order, another character with a dog of some sort. Apparently the Joe HQ was turning into Petco by the late 80s. SOON Comment: A bomb searching dog that really, really likes to play catch sounds like a bad idea.

6.) And then there's the brave Lt. Falcon who I have an award named after on my site. He is voiced by Mr. Sonny Crockett himself, Don Johnson. Aren't Green Berets supposed to be real good at what they do? I guess if one had ADD the result would be Lt. Falcon. SOON comment: Well, I guess Falcon's ADD wasn't helped by his drug abuse.

The part where Sgt. Slaughter was beating the snot out of Nemesis Enforcer had me practically on the floor. His "this collapsed lung is for Duke" kind of comments followed by patented forearms to his opponent's chest inspired me to think of some other things he could have dedicated his onslaught to. For example,

"This is for anyone who ever got their drive thru order wrong...ooooooof....This is for the people who constantly get stuck behind elderly drivers...oooooof...This is for the parents who were dragged by their kids to watch this film in the theater...oooooof..." SOON comment: There here is for the girl who ignored me in my US History class...

Moving on to Cobra, I really had to shudder a bit at the Cobra-La idea. According to this film, Cobra-La was a fallen society hell bent on rising again. I figure now is a good time to question what exactly is keeping Cobra-La from taking over the planet. They seem to have no problem infiltrating everything from the Cobra base to the Joe base with ease. Although, I should mention they fly weapons that make noises like a guy spitting a mouth full of Skoal. Who did they send out to lead the army originally? Yep, our old incompetent friend Cobra Commander who apparently was part of Cobra-La at one time. For some odd reason, Golobulus decided that a dude who accidently disfigured himself in a lab would be the go to guy. SOON comment: Well CC was a disfigured Cobra-La nobleman...Remember royal screwups get lots of 2nd chances. It may have been Golobulus thought sending him into the world would be easier way for the pitiful barbarians to get rid of him.

Cobra Commander had a loveable idiotic side, which made him the subject of great humor in the early episodes. Side note on Cobra Commander, wasn't he a failed used car salesman in the comics? If so that's one hell of a leap.

I did think it was funny seeing Cobra Commander turned into a snake. First when the Joes were storming the Cobra-La base, watching the reptilian version of Cobra Commander slithering into battle with the Joes was gut wrenchingly funny. As for the snake Cobra Commander, I'm assuming he went on to be harassed by the late Steve Irwin in a jungle in South America."Perhaps they should have renamed him Damien after Jake The Snake Robert's pet. Hey, if Sgt. Slaughter is in the movie why not? Soon comment: Too bad, they couldn't re-enact "Earthquake" John Tenta squashing Damien. That would have been wrestlecraptacular..

Quotable Dialogue
"None may challenge Serpentor! This I command!!"
"Do as you're told like an obedient lackey."
"Lets wreck us some reptiles!!"
"Law and Order is a team."
"As my blind ninja master use to say..."
"It's poetic in its simplicity."
"I can see the whites of their beady little eyes."
Morals of the Story
Laser rifles expel shell casings.
Pinching ninja chicks won't get your hand ripped off.
Snakes can be thrown like javelins.
Sgt Slaughter is the greatest warrior in the entire universe.
Vertebrae are in your skull.
Massive blood loss causes comas.