Plot:
Narration tells us that a nuclear war ruined the planet. It was a little mistake though.
10 years after the war, a model of the Statue of Liberty is taken away from a heavily cloaked man and taunted by the punk. This masked, cloaked man is a greener. He pulls a
gun and kills the punk. We hear a frog ribbit. I don’t think when the title is Hell Comes to Frogtown I’m spoiling anything by saying this was a mutant frog.
The credits roll. Our star is “ROWDY” Roddy Piper. This is a sign, my legion, of quality. Roddy is Sam “Hell” Hellman.
Sam is in a chair. Captain Devlin is pretty irate at Sam, breaks a bottle over his head. Sam was a little “friendly” with Devlin’s daughter. 2 representatives of Med Tech
arrive to take Sam. Sam is one of the most potent males on the planet. No ego-stroking joke can be made near a potent male. Pine Sol Lady, well she looks like the Pine Sol
Lady, takes Sam away. Devlin is demoted and tries killing Sam once more. He’s stopped by Spangle, the sexy-type ninja nurse. Devlin will get Sam someday.
Sam is in the Med Tech lab adorned with anti birth control messages. Sam is wearing the codpiece which is property of the provisional government. Med Tech will
pardon Sam if he helps impregnate women in the Wastelands. It’s a dangerous job but, Sam is the man for the job. The Dirty Dozen were sent on a suicide
mission for a pardon while Roddy Piper must introduce women to the “Hot Rod”.
The war reduced the male population by 68%. The codpiece will be kept on Sam. It’s under government contract now.
A television report is briefing Med Tech personnel. Mutant Greeners have kept several hostages. Weapons came from Frogtown.
Sam has to ride in a pink Studebaker with a machine gun on the roof of it. Spangle and Corporal Centinella are to accompany Sam. They ride to the Wastelands while a
women’s choir hums “Johnny Comes Marching Home.” Spangle is glad to have Sam along. They arrive at a border guard station actually manned with men. They are commanded
by Devlin, who threatens to kill them. That is until Centinella womans (not mans) the machine gun on the Studebaker. It’s now a Mexican standoff. They are waved through. The
mutants have fertile women using them for hostages and a harem. These women must be rescued.
Refueling the Studebaker, it’s pink… Sam doesn’t want to go to Frogtown. He heads off to drain the lizard and runs off. After a certain distance, the codpiece starts beeping
and, Sam falls over in extreme agony. Spangle turns it off, there’s a bomb in the codpiece. And if he doesn’t…No, I refuse to do Speed joke about how the bomb will
detonate if he doesn’t deliver the goods so many times an hour….Spangle controls the bomb.
That night, camp is set up. Sam is ready to hit the hay. Spangle readies herself for bed. Apparently, she wants the “Hot Rod” and then activates the electro-codpiece. She’s
trying to keep him “happy” to increase his potency. Possibly one of the greatest examples of c0cK TeAsEs in movies. Spangle storms off to her tent because Sam is angry that
his family jewels were electrocuted. Centinella is watching this with amusement.
Later that night, Lara Croft prototype, Centinella is out of her type form fitting uniform wanting to experience the “Hot Rod” for herself. She’s infertile. Sweet lovin’ would
ensue except Spangle interrupts. c0cK TeAsE.
Next day, they enter the mutant reservation. The plan consists of getting into the reservation. Sam has no say, signing a contract earlier. Drop him off and drive on. The
stinger strikes again. Sam marches to their camp. Motion sensor sounds, they get in the Studebaker to track it. It’s a fertile woman. She doesn’t talk to Spangle. Sam tries to be
friendlier not in that way. Spangle injects with her with a tranquilizer. Sam will do his duty now. Spangle orders Sam to go at it. He’s not too happy about performing like
that. Spangle tries to get him “fired” up. Ever want to see Sandahl Bergman try erotic dancing for a professional wrestler? This is your one chance…Sam will do what a man’s
gotta do. Spangle is embarrassed. Sam and fertile woman go at it. His heart isn’t in it, Eww, gross. His heart in it would be nasty.
A mutant is watching them. The next morning, Sam is still with fertile chick. Spangle sees them. Chick is ready to talk after some lovin’ with the “Hot Rod”. They give her
a homing device that will get Med Tech to find her. Fertile Chick thanks Sam for everything.
Drive on and eventually stop. Spangle dresses like a sluttier slave girl Leia. Centinella will be watching. Sam still must be careful about the exploding codpiece. We have the
obligatory removing of Spangle's glasses and letting her hair down to reveal she's hot in the late 80s definition of the word. They head to Frogtown. It’s a scorched rusting industrial
complex. Sam and Spangle go to the nearest bar. The main entertainment is a mutant frog dancer. Old guy spots Sam. It’s Looney Toons, Rory Calhoun. Sam is ecstatic to see
Looney. Spangle is charmed by the wily charms of Rory Calhoun. Looney is a miner after uranium. Frogs mine uranium and sell it to a mysterious buyer.
Looney will introduce Sam around the bar. Frog Dancer bumps into them. She is their contact. Sam is introduced to Leroy the Frog. They talk about how Bull who brought
in the fertile women. The frogs were created in the nuclear war and herded onto reservations. Leroy offers to buy Spangle. Sam and Leroy negotiate. Spangle is starting to think
this is a bad idea.
Bull Frog grabs Spangle’s chain. Bull Frog, get it? He also has a whip. Bull whip, get it? Sam and Bull are about to fight then and there. Spangle will be auctioned, and Bull closes
the bar and takes Spangle. I should mention that Bull also has spells, violent fits of rage. Bull in China shop, get it?
I'm hopping mad and not going to take it anymore.
Sam talks with Arabella, Frog Dancer. Spangle is sent to Toty’s harem. Bull has taken Spangle to harem pen. Sam thanks Arabella for her help. Guess what? She wants the
“Hot Rod” herself. Arabella only wants to hear yes. Sam gets a bag for her head.
Gimme some sugar...
Spangle is sent to Toty. Sam sneaking away from Arabella when the codpiece electrocutes the family jewels again. He has to get close to Spangle before it’s too late.
Spangle is brought into a room full of Frogs and a mysterious gas-masked figure known as Count Sodom. Note, I never heard the name in the movie only in the end
credits. Sam spies all of this and falls into their midst. Spangle is taken away. Looney and Arabella are all that are left to save everyone.
Spangle is taken to the rest of the harem. These women take passivity to a new level like that of being a corpse.
Sam is tied up and Bull arrives with a chainsaw to cut the codpiece off.
Spangle is being prepared. Veils are being draped on her and off her. It looks like she’s becoming passive, too.
Bull is going to use the chainsaw when it runs out of gas. Sam has a look of extreme terror on his face that the codpiece would explode. Bull goes off to get some more
gas. The beeper goes off.
Hogan is still wrestling, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Veil hit the codpiece control in Spangle’s earring.
Arabella and Looney head off to save Sam.
Bull’s chainsaw is shooting sparks off the codpiece. I thought this was out of a 80s music video for a second. Arabella sneaks up on Bull. Codpiece is cut off, no explosion. Bull
is laughing and, Sam is angry about being lied to when the codpiece explodes. The explosion knocks out Bull.
Spangle is being prepared for the Dance of the 3 Snakes. Guards come for her. Spangle once again tries to convince the harem to escape and is dragged away to Toty.
Arabella unties Sam and still wants some lovin’. Bull stabs her. Sam is angry and the fight begins. One wrestling move later, we have a croaked Bull Frog. Sam now has
a purpose.
Spangle must dance for Toty. The DANCE of the 3 SNAKES. If you ever wanted to see Sandahl Bergman twitch more than a kid watching the episode of
Pokeymon that causes seizures, this is your chance. Toty watches from what looks like a light stage from a concert.
Looney is skulking around.
Awful dance, I mean awfully fine dancing continues as Toty watches. Take any spastic motion that the most uncoordinated person could devise, it is on the level Fred Astaire
compared to Sandahl’s dancing.
Looney shoots the flare which Centinella spots.
Spangle is still dancing. And definitely one of the most disturbing things in a movie happens. 3 lumps move around in Toty’s pants. You see where this is going…He rips his
pants off much to the dismay of Spangle. This shot we see from over Toty’s shoulder and see Spangle’s look of horror and does a triple take. Very rarely will anyone ever see a triple
take in real life I saw once in college when a student came in late and saw the professor dressed as Marge Simpson. That wouldn’t inspire a triple take until you realize this was a man
doing this. Anyone ever had a teacher dressed as Marge Simpson teaching computer graphics? Few of us can claim that. But, she isn’t paralyzed enough to keep from doing a hat
trick nad kicks.
Sam arrives, gunning some of Toty’s guards down but, Toty escapes.
Frogs are getting guns. Spangle and Sam are about to escape. She stumbles along looking distraugh about the 3 Snakes and mightily kung fues the frogs. The harem has
been freed.
Pink Studebaker arrives, Sam and all of the women are on their way out. Toty and his guards block the way. Looney covers Sam. Looney makes it to the Studebaker, too. They
drive away.
Frogs are in pursuit. Things seem good except discover that Looney was shot and dies.
Multiple explosions rock them. The Battle El Camino has a tank main gun on it chases after them. Studebaker keeps driving off. We get a prolonged gunfight and chase. Count
Sodom stops them and orders them out of the pink Studebaker.
Sam and the women are disarmed. Count Sodom is actually Devlin packing a bazooka. He has been selling guns to the frogs for uranium that rogue scientists turn into nuclear
weapons. Devlin keeps ranting about how men will be supreme again…
Sam has a katana on his back, tries to get passive chick to hand it to him. Devlin is about to kill them. Passive chick hands Sam the katana, he promptly throws it impaling
Devlin dead center in the chest. Devlin falls off the cliff and onto an airbag. Wait, I wasn’t supposed to notice that. Somehow, Devlin has escaped.
Sam wants to finish Devlin once and for all by himself. He finds Devlin’s body thinks he’s dead. We see Devlin ready the bazooka. Sam shoots him, hears him. Sam takes
the bazooka, now.
Mortar round hits, Sam finds the wreckage of the pink Studebaker. Frogs arrive. Sam sneaks around them He’s about to finish Toty off, bazooka out of ammo, and his gun
is empty.
Sam versus Toty. Mano el froggo. Sam rushes for his katana. He actually headbutts Toty and pokes him in the eyes. The fight continues; Toty is hanging onto Sam’s leg over
a cliff ledge. Sam manages to grab his trusty katana cutting Toty’s hand off. Toty falls off the cliff. Frogstomp.
Sam heads back to the wreckage of the Studebaker. Spangle yells at him. They argue until Sam kisses her. Spangle learns the codpiece is gone. Everyone get in the Battle
Camino. Sam has women to tend. Fertile women are needing the “Hot Rod”. Spangle and Sam are in love. The end.
