Plot:
We see various flags: US, British, etc… A party is being held for a large number of VIPs and is being tended by a flock of waiters. Isn’t that the 80s New Age
band? Sorry, Flock of Seagulls. Back to the movie, a car pulls up. A waiter is watching Bigshot exit and enter the party. The VIPs are ecstatic to see the
Bigshot (learn his name Jade Tiger 20 minutes from now so retrogressive namification has been invoked on him.
A guest with a knife tries to kill Jade Tiger. Several bodyguards protect Jade. The guest is angry that Jade ruined him, stole his land, and even accuses him of
conspiring with the Russians.
Jade waves all of this off as he makes a speech. He wants the Russian ambassador, Gregor to cut the ribbon. It looks like a grand opening for a casino.
If that doesn’t make much sense, this will really get you. Scene now shows a guy flying as the title is shown. IRON MONKEY 2: The MONKEYING . I
added the Monkeying part but it sounded cool….
A guy is painting his face. A big black car vaguely reminiscent of the Deathmobile from Animal House drives down a crowded marketplace. Remember
in Wayne’s World 2 where the guys were carrying a plate of glass across the street repeatedly and how watermelons were stacked alongside the
road? Well, the Deathmobile crashes through the plate glass and smashes the watermelons.
Back to face painting guy, he looks like he’s got either Kabuki or Noh face paint on. I know that both of those types of theater are Japanese and this is set in China. It
just seems to be the best description of what he’s doing.
Evil guy tosses a birdcage looking weapon and decapitates a random guy. A decapitation in less than 3 minutes is not a bad start.
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     Before                  
After |
Face painter continues at his task.
Back at the marketplace massacre, Pouffy Haired Eye-patched White Guy (PHEWG for short) opens fire shooting somebody. Why? He’s eeeeeevilllllllll. And, he
starts shooting someone else with his 6 shooters.
Face paint guy is now putting on his mask. The entire troupe of actors is finishing up at the same time. The odd thing Face Paint guy looks sort of like the guy from
KISS with the cat makeup. They rush out and start doing some Chinese opera about a group fighting the monkey. Jade Tiger is watching this performance. The
troupe is in cheerleader pyramid formation, then rush to attack Jade, who’s an expert martial artist. Birdcage guy is there, too, fighting.
Opera guys entangle Jade in a rope, not to tie him up but to have a rope fight. Rope fights look cool, too. Birdcage guy kills one of the opera guys. Jade keeps
fighting. PHEWG and Other White Guy (OWG for short) open fire, killing several of the troupe members.
The fight rages on. PHEWG seems to have a semiautomatic pistol now; it doesn’t look like a revolver to me. OWG is trying to get Face paint guy and the opera
guy with him. OWG has some powerful bullets that seem to cause massive explosions. Grenades wouldn’t be as powerful as these bullets. Jade breaks free of the
opera guys. Face paint guy grabs the wounded opera guy and flies off vowing to return.
A boat is being hauled by a couple of guys who’re ashore when the rope breaks. The boat is heading towards the rapids. Nearby, Kim (another casuality of
retrogressive namification) sees this and pole vaults to the boat managing to get everyone to safety.
Suiken (another recipient of retrogressive namification) is being beat elsewhere. The local tuffs want him to pay his debt soon or else. Kan, the blind beggar
(guess what another retrogressive namification is needed) is playing a musical instrument nearby.
In the marketplace, a message is being passed like that old game telephone where a group of people each whispers a message to the next. The message was that
Big Head Todd wanted to hire a killer. Note: actually Yune-Ming, but sounded like Big Head Todd to me. Military guy that reminded me of the sergeant
from Zorro asks Kan who slowly sings the message to him.
In the teahouse, Yune-Ming is there waiting. Various killers are present but not Iron Monkey. No one knows what Iron Monkey looks like. Yune-Ming wants Jade
Tiger dead.
Kan, the blind beggar, sings the part of the message about where the meeting is and, military guy rushes off.
The killers are trying to low bid each other. Nerdy guy, who doesn’t look tough at all, will kill Jade for free. The other killers want to know who he is when Suichen
(more retrogressive namification) rushes in thanking Iron Monkey who is Nerdy Guy. Her family was killed. Nerdy Guy wants the pay from the job given to Suichen
so she can afford a proper burial for family. Nerdy Guy has the contract, he promises to return in 3 days.
Outside, we learn that Suichen and Nerdy Guy are in on a con-job. They use Iron Monkey’s name to get money. Nerdy guy is Suiken in disguise. Face paintless guy
hears them mentioning Iron Monkey grabs the money and throws in into a poor box while kicking Suichen and Suiken so they land at the poor box themselves. Everyone
thinks that Suichen and Suiken donated the money. The Tuffs spot Suiken at the poor box and realize he donated the money he should have paid them. A chase ensues that
injures the Tuffs and gets Suiken and Suichen clean away.
Military guy reports to Jade Tiger about the contract on his life. Yune-Ming hired Iron Monkey to kill Jade Tiger. That’s a sentence I never thought to think of let alone
type. Yune-Ming is the daughter of Od-Mien-Tung (what it sounded like) who owned half of the city. It is implied that Jade Tiger stole the property and, Yune-Ming
wants revenge. That seems to shake up Jade some. Military guy whispers something else to him.
The Blind beggar is elsewhere. Kim arrives in the city and stumbles into Suiken. They have a wanted poster, Kim recognizes the man as his father, Kan. Suiken
claims to know Kan and will help Kim find him. This is a scam to get a free lunch. NOTE: the picture of Kan looks nothing like Kan as a blind beggar
At a restaurant, Suiken, Suichen, and Kim are talking. Kim will foot the bill. Kan, the blind beggar, overhears them. Don’t know yet if he’s important or not. Kim is not
wise ion the ways of the city, country bumpkin. The Tuffs arrive. Kim defends Suiken. Kim has some pretty mad elite skillz…Needless to say; the day is saved by Kim. The
Tuffs call the debt off of Suiken.
At a temple, Kan meets with Iron Monkey who’s been looking for Kan for years. Kan is embarrassed to return to his wife and son who think he is worthless. Iron
Monkey vows to look after them.
Suiken, Suichen, and Kim arrive at Suiken’s place. Suiken spies Kan walking by the house. Note: It hasn't stated if Suiken knows the blind beggar is Kan, Kim’s
father. Suiken and Suichen are orphans and will help Kim. The picture Kim made is what his father looked like years ago.
A gun seller is displaying his wares to Jade Tiger who thinks these guns will kill Iron Monkey. PHEWG and OWG ride around the marketplace shooting things. A
couple of guys are in the road and, the jeep brakes before running them over. Well, PHEWG and OWG open fire. These super guns nearly blow these guys’ torsos
into another dimension. Suiken and Suichen are talking with some guy nearby. PHEWG is impressed with the gun. Would anybody want a gun that a few
rounds that could pulverize what they shoot into a few handfuls of hamburger.
Suiken is in disguise as the Nerdy Guy meeting with Yune-Ming’s majordomo (guess what another retrogressive namification has been invoked) Uncle Chung. Suiken
leads Kim to believe the meeting concerns the location of his father. Chung knows that Suiken isn’t Iron Monkey. Suiken palms off Kim as Iron Monkey. Later, Suiken tells
Kim that many men want Kan dead. Kim will handle them to protect his father.
That night, in a lumberyard, the gun sellers drive up in a truck when a masked man strikes. I’m not sure who it is. Whoever it was finishes the gun sellers off very
fast. Suiken, Suichen, and Kim are there, too. Suiken heads to the truck claiming to be Iron Monkey when some other guy shows up. I’m dubbing him San-Te
for the moment until I get his real name. San-Te tosses Suiken around like a rag doll. Kim doesn’t take to kindly when his friends get smacked around. Kim kicks
logs off a pile and through the windshield of the truck. That is pretty impressive. Kim and San-Te seem pretty evenly matched.
Suiken and Suichen find the dead gun sellers in the truck and then find the guns.
Kim versus San-Te continues. Suiken and Suichen drive off with the guns.
Kim and San-Te climb a tower fighting as they climb up. Eventually, they fight on a load of logs suspended high in the air. The load breaks. San-Te doesn’t believe
that Kim is Iron Monkey. Jade Tiger’s men arrive and open fire. Kim manages to escape. Somehow, the blind Kan is there, too. Is this the guy that trained Stick the
guy that trained Daredevil?
The next day, Kim is in Suiken’s place when Chung arrives. Chung congratulates, Iron Monkey for stopping the arms dealers. He talks with Kim and realizes that
Suiken set them both up.
In the casino, Suiken and Suichen meet with Jade Tiger. Suiken offers top sell the guns to Jade for a job in his organization and for Suichen to have a singing job at
the casino. It would turn into killing Suiken and Suichen except they’re prepared. Suichen has enough grenades on her to blow a good amount of the casino
apart. Suiken has enough guns in his trench coat to impress even Charlton Heston. The cajones Suiken has shown impressed Jade Tiger who accepts the offer.
In a restaurant, Chung tries to convince Kim to take the contract to kill Jade Tiger. Chung leaves as Yune-Ming arrives. She’ll pay good money but, Kim refuses to
be a slave to anyone’s money.
Jade Tiger’s men grab Yune-Ming. Kim jumps into action. The fight rages on. OWG uses his very explosive bullets again. Naval ships firing ten inch guns aren’t that
powerful. Kim is trying to get Yune-Ming to safety. They manage to hide. Kim eventually gets the drop on OWG.
Later, Kim applies bandages to Yune-Ming. Chung arrives, the word is out to find Kim’s father. Everything has got Kim to the point where he’ll take care of Jade
Tiger himself if given half a chance.
At the casino, Suiken has the great job of being a waiter even if he thinks he’s actually the floor manager. He tries talking with Jade Tiger who ignores him. Suichen is
performing, if I understood Chinese her songs might mean something to me. An important customer complains that the casino girls are "friendly" enough. He decides
to pay his attentions to Suichen while on stage. He gropes her, Suiken is held back by some of the other casino employees. Suichen is smacked by the customer. Oddly
enough, Suichen kicks them in the groin. This prompts them to have Jade Tiger fire her. Suiken checks on her. Guess what? She’s slightly perturbed.
Later, Suichen and Suiken are having a discussion. He says they need money to do anything, that’s why they work for Jade Tiger. Suichen is leaving, sick of lying and cheating
their friends like Kim. Suiken tries to apologize but does the manly “get out of here if you don’t want to” spiel. Suichen leaves and, he realizes how stupid he is. This folks is
drama.
At the temple, Military guy reports to PHEWG and OWG. Kan will be used as the bait to trap Iron Monkey. Too bad, they don’t look behind the curtain in the
temple where Iron Monkey overhears the plan.
Back at the casino, Sharp Dressed Man arrives. He pushes a fluky away and, the rest of them pull their guns. He’s here to see Jade Tiger. Sharp Dressed Man is
Chin, the brother of the dead gun seller. Chin demands to know where his guns are and claims Jade Tiger stole them. Jade states he doesn’t have the guns. But,
he has a witness that knows who did it. Kan, Iron Monkey’s accomplice, is brought into the room. I have to mention this very strange fact, Kan is blindfolded. They
blindfolded a blind man. What sense does it make to anyone else? It’s never stated Kan is blind, maybe IO just assumed he’s blind. Back to the movie. Jade claims
that Kan won’t talk. Kan just says the guns were given to those who’d use them for good.
Chin grabs Jade’s gun, draws it on Kan. He’ll kill him if Kan doesn’t talk. The gun wasn’t loaded. Jade needs Kan alive to find the thieves. Chin vows to make Kan
talk. Disheveled guy appears, this is the actual gun seller. He reveals than Chin is actually Iron Monkey. Iron grabs Kan and escapes.
Iron covers Kan’s escape. A verily large host of gun-toting guys shoot at Iron Monkey. Chop socky doth ensue…
Jade jumps into to fight Iron.
Birdcage guy tries using his weapon. Kan has a gun. Iron and Kan are about to escape, Iron gets out while Jade activates the switch which locks the doors, Kan is trapped
inside. Kan is riddled with bullets but still has enough life to tell Iron to find Kim and have him return to the village to look after his mother and gives him a necklace for
Kim, too.
At the temple, Suichen and Kim are there. He tries to get her to forgive Suiken. Iron comes in and sits beside him. Kim learns that Kan is dead. Kan had a mission to
accomplish but was too embarrassed to return to his family until he completed it. Iron tells Kim about returning to look after his mother. Kim wants to finish Kan’s
mission and, Iron leaves.
PHEWG is shooting at Kim. He unloads some seriously tough half a loaf of kung fu on PHEWG, who is impaled on a pipe.
Jade meets with his brother who’ll kill Iron Monkey. The back of the box claims this guy is Snow Fox. But, I never heard him called anything by anyone except brother
by Jade Tiger.
Suichen distracts some guards while Kim strikes. They’re after the weapons. Kim is fighting some Shaven head guy. Somehow, in the melee, Suichen is
injured. Birdcage guy attacks, too. Iron Monkey comes to the rescue again. Suiken returns to the wounded Suichen.
Iron Monkey will move the weapons and wants Kim to return to his village. Iron leaves. Suichen dies with Suiken at her side.
Brother is walking down the road, car stops. He fights the guys that get out of it. By the way, this is a bad man. He breaks some random woman’s neck. The car is
set on fire and, he walks away.
Kim and Suiken have buried Suichen. They vow to get the killers. Suichen especially wants vengeance on the killers of Suichen. They head off and sneak into
the casino.
The casino is being repaired. The bullet holes being spackled would have to be outrageous. Important Customer, the one that smacked Suichen, wants to see Jade
Tiger. Suiken and Kim strike, now. They fight the other workers. In the fight, Suiken manages to electrify the birdcage weapon and electrocute Birdcage guy.
Jade and his Brother show up. Brother is fighting Kim when Jade joins in the fight. Suiken is obviously out of his league at this point. But, he still tries to distract Jade’s
attention from Kim.
Brother and Jade, who ignores Suiken, are still fighting Kim. He’s in some serious trouble at this point. Who can help save Kim? Iron Monkey arrives.
Iron Monkey is now fighting Brother.
Kim is fighting Jade Tiger. The casino is being destroyed, stairwell collapses. Iron Monkey finished off Brother. Now Jade has to contend with Kim and Iron
Monkey. We get some ladder fu.
Jade gets a hold of a sword. Kim is nicked several times by Jade. Iron is using a staff with a curtain wrapped around it like a whip. This shows any man can be
dangerous with a sword, but skill is needed to be dangerous with a curtain.
Suiken drops a net on Jade and tosses several Molotov cocktails on him to burn him alive.
Iron Monkey, Kim, and Suiken leave and, the movie ends.