Killer Meteors

Cast:

Jackie Chan is Hua-Wa Bin
Jimmy Wang Yu is Mei-Hsin-Ho

What the VHS box says:

THE KILLER METEORS. One of the ten best films ever done by America's new action hero and star of "Rumble In The Bronx", starring Jackie Chan.

Jackie is one of only two men proficient with a unique and secret weapon, earning him the name of Killer Meteor.

The Meteor Killer is on a secret mission to solve the theft of palace treasures. In the process of his investigation, he is hired by a nobleman, the Immortal Wa. Wa accuses his wife of poisoning him and sends the Killer Meteor to kill her and retrieve the antidote to the poison. One small problem - she is guarded by four of the world's greatest fighters and a small army. What follows are some of the greatest fight scenes you'll ever see with Jackie doing his own fights and stunts.

What the DVD box says:

In a rare villainous role, Chan stars as the "immortal" Hua-Wa Bin, an all powerful nobleman who believes his wife has poisoned him - and one of only two men proficient with a top-secret fighting weapon. To kill his wife and find the elusive antidote in time, Hua hires his adversary "Killer Meteor" Mei-Hsin-Ho (Wang Yu), a rogue warrior known for his mastery of deadly explosive projectiles. There is one problem: Hua-Wa's deceitful wife is guarded by a ruthless gang of the world's greatest fighters, armed with high tech weaponry including a "pulverizing drug" which melts men into puddles like vampires exposed to sunlight. To save his own life, Hua-Wa leaps into battle, armed with his own brand of signature stunts and stunning choregraphy. Pitting friend against foe, who will win this fierce battle to the death?

Adapted from a famed serial novel by Gu Long, this fast-paced action-adventure is jam-packed with hard-hitting action and explosive thrills as only Jackie Chan can deliver! THE KILLER METEORS hits its target on impact!

Plot:

The credits are rolling telling us that “Jacky Chan” is in this movie.

A guy, that wanders through the city banging his gong, is on his rounds. A caped guy is sneaking around, jumps atop a building and gets inside of it. He looks around and finds the treasure a giant pearl.

He gets out and is caught by the super strong Jin. The caped guy is Magic Thief Fei and is about to return the pearl to Jin when Iron-Palm Stone Monkey arrives. Stone Monkey wants to bet his own head against the pearl if he can move 3 giant statues. Jin who moved them doesn’t believe anybody else could. He agrees to the bet with Stone Monkey. Stone Monkey breaks a statue apart and will move the pieces individually. Jin is impressed. Fei hands the case to Stone Monkey and jumps away. The pearl case is missing the case. Fei still has the pearl.

Suddenly, Ghost Shadow appears and uses a bull-whip shredding Fei’s clothes. Fei gives the pearl to Ghost Shadow. He offers a rematch to Fei, Jin, or Stone Monkey any time. Ghost Shadow leaves.

The next day, two guys riding horses find a man laying on a rock. They look under his wok and offer a reward for him preventing them from being robbed earlier. They ride off. The two bandits that were stopped see the man laying on the rock. As soon as they realize who it is, they atone for their previous misdeeds by cutting some fingers off and leave.

Proof you should use the knife cutting away from you.

Ghost Shadow is in a nearby tree. He has the payment for Mei, the man on the rock. Mei decides whether or not if Ghost Shadow may live and decides Ghost will live another year. Mei senses someone is hiding, a bearded evil looking guy, Qing, who wants to see the pearl. Qing destroys the pearl but has better pearls than that, and he wants to see what’s under the wok. Mei has the infamous Killer Meteor. This weapon is wrapped up so we don’t know what it looks like. Mei doesn’t like killing, tries to preserve lives. Qing will be killed if Mei doesn’t come back with him Qing’s master is the possessor of the Devil Meteor, which frightens Ghost Shadow.

They are making camp alongside the river. Mei prefers living out in the wilderness and cooking for himself. Qing treats him to a tavern meal.

Some guys are comparing swords. One man has a really good sword. The master swordsman Fong the Wind Chaser enters the tavern. Fong spots Qing and goes over to him to pay homage. Mei reveals he knows that Qing is the famous Blue-Robed Swordsman. Qing is servant to Hua the Hearty. They are approaching Hua’s palace.

In the palace, Qing takes Mei to Hua who is ill.

Hi, I'm evil but just shaved off my goatee... Hua wants to kill Mei. A group of men swarm Mei who easily defeats them. Hua calls his men off. Mei doesn’t use the Killer Meteor. Hua needs Mei to save him. Hua wants Mei to kill Hua’s wife for poisoning him but has the antidote that will cure him.

Hua’s wife is guarder by master Kung Fu experts.

Name	Special Skill
Blazing Star	Plum Blossoms Needles
Killer Hands	Fierce Suction
Black Llama	Black Magic
Taoist Ghost	Cunning tricks

Mei will do the job for the challenge; the money doesn’t really concern him. He is about to leave when Hua attacks him. They fight throughout the palace. Mei is eventually trapped in a cage. The guys that Mei defeated earlier beat him up and leave him in a nearby city.

Mei staggers down the street. The police seize him and put him in the dungeon. The police captain drugs all the prisoners save Mei. He expects to be rewarded by the powerful Feng but is killed for doing this. In the dungeon, guards are rolling out a red carpet and placing paper lanterns up, too. Feng wants to meet Mei. He tells Mei that Hua trusts him because he was beaten.

Mei tells Feng that Hua wants him to Hua’s wife. They are trying to solve a case. If they can find any of the stolen imperial treasures, Hua can be arrested. Mei is an undercover agent for 3 years and has solved major cases, and Feng is his boss. Feng leaves but tells the police to let Mei go in the morning and that their captain has been transferred, too.

A girl is hiding in Mei’s cell. It is Moon Blossom, Feng’s daughter. It would be hard to realize she is warm for Mei’s kung fu form. She can thrown straws like projectiles. I think hot and spicy lovin’ ensues.

In the morning, Moon Blossom is gone. The police let Mei go.

A beggar is hitting Mei up for some money. Men trap Mei in a bag and haul him away in a cart. Could this really be considered shanghaiing someone? A while later, the bag falls out of the back of the cart.

A group of chicks are there to let Mei loose. But, it isn’t Mei. It’s the beggar who runs away. The chicks find Mei laughing at them. We learn their leader; Lady Phoenix is a friend of Hua and spies on Madame Hua. Lady Phoenix has a plan to get Mei to the antidote. He will have to act like her servant.

Madame Hua has the box the antidote in surrounded by guards. The 4 masters are bragging about killing Hua’s men. The 4 have the day off. Madame Hua has 2 cages lowered to surround the box. To get the antidote, Hua’s men would have to get into the cave, fight the guards, get through the cage, and even fight Madame Hua. She can destroy the antidote if she needs to do so.

Lady Phoenix and Mei are nearby. She tells him about the cave. They are going to go to the tavern first for a drink. We see that Magic Thief Fei is in a tree above them.

In the tavern, Lady Phoenix and Mei enter. The bartender is polite would rather have them go somewhere else. But, the 4 will be coming in tonight. Lady Phoenix won’t put up with any of the 4’s crap. Some women are brought in for the 4 masters. They arrive, and the women throw themselves on the 4 masters.

Mei claims that Taoist Ghost isn’t dead. Everybody is shocked by this statement. Blazing Star’s attack fails, and Mei throws the needles back at Star killing him. Mei uses Dim Mok, death touch, Killer Hands. Black Llama doesn’t last either. Taoist Ghost has the sense not to fight Mei.

Lady Phoenix gets upset by Mei ruining her plan. Mei replies in John Wayne "MacClintock" fashion by spanking her. Taoist Ghost will lead Mei to the cave that is carrying Lady Phoenix over his shoulder. We see that Jin is following Mei.

In Madame Hua’s throne room, she is told that a man wants to see her. Mei tells her about the contract on her life, etc... Mei is not impressed with Madame Hua who orders her guards to attack. Would it be wrong to say that Mei Kung Fues them mightily? Madame Hua orders the guards to stop. Lady Phoenix makes a break for it and is pursued by the guards.

Madame Hua kills Taoist Ghost when he’s about to attack Mei.

Fei and Stone Monkey are skulking around. They are surrounded by guards. The fight starts and, Jin enters the fray, too. Ghost Shadow pops up to lend a hand, also. The guards have been defeated. The box of antidote is still behind the two cages; Jin bends the bars of the outer cage and inner cages. Stone Monkey gets the box. Fei opens the locked box.

They bring the box to Mei. Madame Hua admits defeat. She starts talking about the Killer Meteor and how she’d like to see it. Madame Hua begins melting, poisoned herself. Hua’s revenge is so terrible it is easier to melt to goo instead of facing it.

Oatmeal anyone?

Mei brings the box to Hua who opens the box. He throws the vial away, claiming his wife knew he’d get the box so a vial of poison was there instead of the antidote. The real antidote is elsewhere. The antidote is still in the box, which is one of the seven imperial treasures. The box has a hidden compartment with the real antidote inside. But, Hua drinks the vial, and he starts melting.

A ninja tries to attack Hua, while Mei and Qing chase him. The ninja melts to a puddle of goo, too. In less than 5 minutes, we’ve seen three people melt. That isn’t too bad.

Hua’s palace is on fire. All that remains is smoldering ruins. Qing still respects Hua for saving his life years ago. Melting into goo is considered a bad way to go.

Feng is paraded up to the burnt palace. He congratulates Mei for a job well done. The evidence that Hua was behind the stolen treasures is still here. Feng has the box, Hua had. He mentions that Mei has paid a high price on this case. Feng is preparing him for bad news; Moon Blossom is dead. She was killed in the tavern where Mei killed the 4. In fact, the 4 were those that killed her.

Mei heads back to the tavern. Fei is there.

In the cave, Madame Hua is still alive. She lifts the cages and gets the real box. Mei is there. Fei knew that the box they stole was a fake and found the actual box. They waited to catch Madame Hua.

Stone Monkey, Fei, Jin, and Ghost Shadow are there, too. It isn’t Madame Hua but Moon Blossom dressed as Madame Hua. She claims to be Mei’s wife. Lady Phoenix is brought in. We learn that Madame Hua is actually Moon Blossom. The guards had poisoned Lady Phoenix but Fei gave her the antidote. Lady Phoenix didn’t reveal that the Madame Hua that melted was a fake. Mei wouldn’t have known who Madame Hua was but sure would have recognized Moon Blossom.

Mei wanted to see if Hua would recognize that the box was a fake. Feng arrives with his entourage of guards. It turns out that Feng stole the treasures from, the palace 5 years ago. Hua was planned to be the scapegoat. Mei is used to steal the antidote. But, the plan backfired when Hua was killed. The box was the evidence against Hua. Feng orders Mei killed.

The guards attack Mei. Kung fu battle doth ensue.

Feng decides to fight Mei. The two men head outside for this final battle. The Killer Meteor is going to be use. Outside, Feng attacks. Mei unveils his weapon, a gold mace with a head on each end of the shaft.

KILLER METEOR ATTACK!!!! One mace shoots out of the shaft on a chain hitting Feng in the chest and explodes killing Feng. Mei wraps up the Killer Meteor.

Suddenly, Hua appears. Hua was in with Feng on stealing the imperial treasures. Moon Blossom married Hua to find where the treasures were hidden. Hua knew she was going to poison him and was never poisoned. The Ninja attacking distracted Mei and Qing who left and never saw Hua’s body putrefy like the fake Madame Hua. Hua wanted Mei to know the whole story before he died. Hua thinks that Mei is out of tricks.

Most jarring cut scene from outdoors to inside a death match ring. Logs of various sizes are used as platforms as spikes are placed in the ground. Kung Fu end of the movie begins. Mei has gotten a hold of some flaming torches. Hua falls off the logs but manages to keep from hitting the ground and activates the automatic evil cheat button© . This button causes Mei’s feet to be trapped in a bear-like trap. Mei uses the other mace of Killer Meteor which releases a spectacular stock footage of fireworks before killing Hua.

Mei is trodding off. He talks with Qing who is sad that Hua is dead. But, Qing will not try to avenge his master’s death by fighting Mei. This experience has made Lady Phoenix not want to be anything but a common girl that has eyes for Mei. We get a slow motion run towards each other end in an embrace as the movie ends.

What I say:

If you guess that Jackie Chan is only in this movie as a cameo, give yourself a cookie. Three scenes in a movie would have to be called a cameo. To be honest, he’s not really all that evil until the end. He comes more across as being just arrogant.

While I was watching the movie and saw the several double-crosses and resurrections from the dead, I wrote down a single phrase that sums up the rest of this paragraph. Too Many Scooby Doo Moments. You have got to pay attention near the end or confusion will be your gift. Moon Blossom was Madame Hua who poisoned Hua. Her father, Feng, stole the treasures and wanted to blame the robbery on Hua. But, he had to get rid of Hua first and find where Hua hid the treasures. Hua learned of the poison plot and faked being poisoned. Mei was to get the antidote, get rid of Madame Hua for Hua. Anyone get lost in this paragraph?

Jimmy Wang Yu played Mei as the absolute kung fu expert. His various sidekicks didn’t seem that annoying because they either they fought or didn’t scream to be saved. I’ve seen other martial arts movies where the hero was more of a kung fu badazz. But, howcan the badazz Kung Fu expert be bad? That's pretty near impossible to happen...

I have to admire they didn’t take the easy way out with Qing. When, you first see him, the automatic evil dude vibe is felt. But, he never does anything evil and comes across as a very honorable man. But, he just looks like the evil overlord type. I wouldn’t be surprised at seeing him playing the heavy in any other movie.

I have to talk about the Killer Meteor. It is mentioned throughout the movie almost to the point of being a MacGuffin. But, it is used in the end. The box may mention deadly explosive projectiles. I never really thought that it would be a 2 golden mace heads attached to a shaft with a hidden chain. Oh, the mace heads can explode. The way thay kept talking about the Killer Meteor I thought it would be some type of musket. Django taught me you can never tell what weapon the hero will use. The thought of a kung fu master raining bullets upon his enemies while cool is a bit out there. And a western where a man wields a gatling gun like a feather is more realistic.

Various plot points on the VHS and DVD boxes could be eliminated. One, Jackie Chan is not the Killer Meteor. Two, do we ever see Jackie Chan use a top-secret fighting weapon? Three, Mei is not the Meteor Killer. Four, Hua and Mei have never encountered each other before. Five, Hua doesn’t leap into battle to save his life. Is that enough differences between the boxes and the movie?

The martial arts seemed more….They didn’t rely on as much wire-fu as later movies did. It is nice to watch some of this older stuff that doesn’t have such an unbelievable factor. With as many people that believe that wire-fu is be-all-end-all, it isn’t. Why is wire-fu so popular? People got tired of the old school kung fu. And so, when wire fu came along it was so revolutionary. But, revolutions always end. The new has gotten worn off of wire fu. I can't see a return to old school kung fu. But, plenty of old school kung fu movies are out there if you look for them. I think my rambling about wire fu or the lack thereof has gone on long enough.

This isn’t a classic kung fu film. But, this is one of the few Jackie Chan heavy roles. My lack of knowledge of Jimmy Wang Yu will have to be remedied. The DVD isn’t that hard to find if you dig through the Wal-Mart bargain bin. And it’s a nicer version that all those VHS copies of early Jackie Chan movies that are so grainy. I can’t flat out say run out and buy it. But, if a choice between this and Fist of Fear Touch of Death. Evil Jackie Chan cameo and multiple melting people should win...Always....

Quotable Dialogue
"Magic thief Fei never leaves empty-handed."
"I shouldn’t be betting with the Iron-Palm Stone Monkey to begin with."
"You can use your kung fu to kill anyone in an instant."
"Unfortunately, Hua the Hearty isn’t feeling very hearty."
"It’s true his devil sword has yet to meet it’s match."
"Moon Breeze is yours."
"Shut up or I’ll throw you in the river."
"Your Phoenix Dart is a worthless toy."
"Do you think my kung fu is inferior to yours?"
Morals of the Story
Don’t provoke a bull-whip wielding guy named Ghost Shadow.
Attempting to kill someone is a job interview....
Ghosts can be leashed with a rope around their neck.