Plot:
The credits start rolling. There's a choreographer...This doesn't bode well for the movie.
The spaceship, Vertigo, is flying through space. The computer sounds like an annoying radio DJ. The computer is named, Max. Why are the computers in these movies
either given 3 letter or parental names? Max, HAL, MOTHER, etc...These computer designers have some issues. Captain Jameson is trying to steer while Rodinski is trying to get him
to look at one of his porn magazines. Rodinski teases Jameson about trying to get a better look at Officer McHugh.
McHugh's office, she's talking to the puppy posters on the wall. She is so sugary-sweet to cause tooth decay.
John is mopping the deck. With the way he mops, I can understand why he is a trainee.
Dr. Stark is in his lab when the computer informs him about an undiscovered unknown planet. Stark's eyes light up at this. Finally, he can have something named after
himself. Nice to have a scientist motivated for the right reasons...
The crew is going to explore the planet and collect samples. Supposedly, we get a montage of the creatures that lived on the planet. They are the old monster movie
monsters. I thought that I might have even see Godzilla. Well, all of the creatures have been wiped out. The shuttle lands on the planet. They learn that the planet has
an atmosphere they can breathe. They find a small plant. Take it as a sample and keep exploring.
John finds a jelly-like organism. It is stuck to his glove. Stark really wants the organism. He finally gets it in his sample case. Stark is ecstatic. Something else to name
after himself. Never mind the fact that John found it.
Back on the ship, Stark places the sample in the Sample Vault. Should I mention that the lock's combination is the theme to Close Encounter of the Third Kind?
At dinner, John fixed synthetic duck and synthetic ala orange. Rodinski keeps hitting on McHugh. Why not? She's the only female in light years.
| Rodinski strike out meter |
|---|
| 1 |
Stark leaves to do some more work. Everybody is starting to think that he's losing it. It's only taken this long to realize that fact. These are some great people in outer
space. Maybe, the spaceships are a way to get rid of the dregs on Earth... Expensive way to eliminate Leslie Nielsen, but worth every penny...
McHugh asks in Jameson will be in the talent show. A talent show on a spaceship with a crew of 5. John, Stark, and Rodinski are in the audience. Jameson does a
dramatic reading from the ship's log. If that isn't quality, what is?
I'll be your captain....
I'll spare you anything more that the fact that John prepares a synthetic turkey dinner. Have I mentioned I haven't laughed yet? Well, McHugh starts singing. Rodinski
is in the audience. Whistling, etc... Remember the cartoon with the wolf in the nightclub whistling and how his tongue hits the floor... Rodinski is doing a fairly good job
of that, here...
Later, Jameson is playing Space Invaders. Rodinski is playing a guitar in his room. John is playing a board game by himself. McHugh is watching the news
from Earth. We learn Martian guerillas are attacking Philadelphia. By guerillas, I mean actual gorillas fighting. You could call them Martian guerilla gorillas. Then
we see some footage from War of the Worlds. The actual Martian ships.
Stark is leaving the Sample Vault, taking some more notes. He talks with McHugh. The organism is growing. Stark wants her to see how much it has grown. She tries
to get out of it. They go to the Vault and hear the creature growling. McHugh hot foots it out of there.
At a crew meeting, they debate what to do. Rodinski is all for killing it. Stark gives the tried and true learn from the being speech. Captain basically repeats Stark's
argument as his own.
They are watching a movie. The trailer is an old guy hitting guys with his walking stick. Dirty Harry Strikes Back. Oh, a lame Empire Strikes
Back reference. This came out a year or two after Empire did. Rodinski hits on McHugh again.
| Rodinski strike out meter |
|---|
| 2 |
McHugh walks by the Sample Vault, notices the door is broken down. The Creature is on the loose. McHugh is in the dining area. Extended scream. She screams
runs out of breath and repeats the process 3 times. It turns out it was John. That was pointless... She goes to the solar relaxation room. She enjoys sitting in front of
a Hawaiian background. Our favorite horn-dog, Rodinski pops up.
| Rodinski strike out meter |
|---|
| 3 |
He leaves. McHugh hears a noise, thinks it's Rodinski. Sucker punches the shadow throws the curtain. She hit the Creature. I probably ought to describe the creature. Red
Blobby costume. She runs like she's being chased by Lenny and Squiggy.
Stark talks about how great a discovery this is. Jameson seconds Starks idea. The crew starts looking for the Creature. Too many attempted cheap scares.
Rodinski gets away from the group. The Creature grabs him. Rodinski gets away from it. They have a pointless discussion of who should follow the Creature. It is
gone...
Stark is upset that everybody calls it a Creature. At the meeting, they decide to draw lots to see who communicates with the Creature. John is the one who has to
go. He gets fired up. The Creature breaks into the room. Jameson uses McHugh as a shield. Creature leaves. The crew is going to have John find it to lure the
monster out in the open.
John is looking for it. He runs right into it. Jameson uses the tranquilizer gun to shoot the Creature and John. They manage to lock the Creature up.
The Observation Chamber is being used to contain the Creature. The noises it makes are vaguely musical. Vaguely musical in the way a dying cow is musical. They
decide to hook the computer up to the Creature to translate the Creature's language.
The crew prepares everything. The translation program begins. A piano is playing in the background. The Creature begins singing.
"I want to eat your face...It could be so yummy...I want to eat your face in my tummy..."
The song continues about eating arms, legs, and knees. the Creature is dancing, too. In the same way a dying cow dances.
Needless to say, the crew is speechless. Stark is babbling on about communicating with the Creature. Rodinski has a "we're screwed" look in his eyes. Stark applauds the
performance. He didn't pay any attention to the lyrics. He thinks it is friendly. So, Stark locks himself in the cell with the Creature. He lectures the crew when the Creature rips
one of his arms off. The loss of an arm doesn't bother Stark who thinks the Creature is playing. The Creature eats Stark.
All that is left of Stark is his glasses. They hold a funeral for the glasses. Rodinski wants to kill the Creature. The current plan is to tranquilize the Creature and
dispose of it in space. Head back to the Observation Chamber, the Creature has escaped.
The crew splits up into groups. Captain and Rodinski are one team. John and McHugh are the other team. But, neither team took the tranquilizer gun. Each team is
searching. Creature roams the halls. Captain order Rodinski around a corner which he refuses to do. Captain screams at him. The Creature attacks them. By the time, McHugh
and John get there all that's left is a captain's hat and a porno magazine.
Burials for Captain and Rodinski.
John and McHugh are trying to figure out a plan. Need to keep the Creature from eating them. They think singing and dancing will lull the Creature long enough
to implement their plan.
McHugh and John are practicing. Creature is roaming the halls. John goes around a corner they're afraid to go around. It's safe. He sees the Creature is behind
McHugh. They outrun the Creature. Make it to the airlock. Attract the Creature's attention. Play the tape.
We get to singing and dancing John and McHugh. The Creature apparently likes it. Trap it in the airlock and open the outer door. Creature is blown into outer
space. John and McHugh are ecstatic about it.
McHugh and John are sitting at a table, looking longingly at each other. Creature pops up through the table. It is John's nightmare. McHugh tries to calm him
down. We see the ship flying close to a planet and the Creature somehow behind the ship.
