36 Shaolin Beads (1978?)

Shao Lin san shi liu zhu
Shaolin Exterminator

Cast:

Mark Long
Champ Wang

What the box says:

Chess Boxing's ghost faced killer shaves his head and takes the role of super monk in this dark kung fu epic. Marvel as he fights his way up the gloomy tower using his 36 Shaolin Bead technique. King of swordplay is also ready to lend a shaping hand.

Plot:

Movie has many cases of retrogressive namification.

The credits roll as we see a creepy old temple.

In a foggy forest, Headband dude crosses a bridge over a gorge. He hears something or someone. Suddenly, he sees mysterious chick. Obviously, this isn’t an American movie, he asks for directions. Headband dude isn’t scared of being near the House of Ghosts. The girl shoots him. At least, I won’t have to find out this guy’s name.

The girl later warns another guy from passing. She takes care of him, too.

Later, the girl stops a royal procession from carrying the Princess Tien Huang and orders them to take another road. The Princess Tien isn’t afraid and proceeds to layeth the smack down on the girl. The girl tosses the SUPER NEEDLE GUN into the air. This gun is so powerful throwing t in the air kills the royal carriers and the Princess without firing a shot.

Goatee guy is trudging along. Spears start popping out of the ground. He is leaping into the air to avoid them. Hearing laughter, the Angel of Death wants him dead for entering this area. Several goons appear from underground. They aren’t expert tunnelers like ninjas but still not bad. Goatee guy leaps into action dodging the various spear wielders. Expertly, he tricks several of the goons into accidentally stabbing each other.

At the village, Goatee guy meets with Ting Yuan-ting. His nephew disappeared 2 months earlier. Goatee guy agrees to search for the missing nephew.

Goatee guy first checks the mysterious Cold Green Pavilion. He hears creepy laughter and breathing. In a room, paintings with the eyes are watching Goatee guy. Unsure of what is happening, he leaves that room. Searching further, he finds the girl. As haunted house music plays in the background, she locks him out of several rooms. Multiple teleports later, the girl stabs Goatee guy in the back. The SUPER NEEDLE GUN claims another victim.

Shih-Ping pays for his meal and leaves before Chien and the monk arrive. They are heading to the Stone Dragon Temple. The cook warns them that temple is haunted. Everything is haunted in this village. Chien isn’t scared of ghosts. They decide to have a meal. The monk is warned again about ghosts.

Some chick is hitting on Chien. She should have dislocated both shoulders the way she’s throwing herself at him.

That night, Chien is basking in the afterglow. The chick talks with him. Chien isn’t afraid of ghosts and would like to meet some female ghosts.

Monk walks in before Chien could get his chicken kung powed again. Numerous guys that are dressed like the guys Goatee guy fought earlier appear. The only difference is these guys are carrying tiger shields that can shoot fire.

Intimidating, isn't it? Chien quickly takes care of them.

Shih-Ping is wandering the forest when he meets the woman, Shang. They find a body with 2 holes in the guy’s neck. Shang reveals her brother was killed that way. Shih reveals his father was killed the same way. They hide as Chien, monk, and Kung Powed girl pass. Shih’s big plan is to follow them.

A band of goons attacks Shih and Shang who quickly take them to the school of Shaolin pain. Shih thinks Master Ting may know something of what is happening.

Master Ting talks with them. Dragon Town will be ruined if the ghosts keep the travelers away. Shih vows to uncover the truth. He spots mud on the shoe of one of Ting’s servants.

That night, a procession begins. Shih and Shang follow behind. But, they somehow lose a large group of guys carrying supplies. Discovering a trapdoor, they decide to investigate more when it is light.

Chien and the monk can’t find anything about the ghosts or the tunnels. How did they learn about the tunnels?

That night, another group begins its procession. The girl attacks them and leaves.

Servant and other guy discuss the plan. The tunnels are to be abandoned. But, the other work is to continue according to the Master’s plan.

Shih and Shang chase the girl who escapes. But, out intrepid duo keeps searching as the haunted house music begins. They decide to get out of Dodge. A group of lantern carriers arrive and surround our duo. A fight begins. Some maniacal laughter scares the goons away.

Shih and Shang follow in pursuit to find the goons dead. Each was stabbed in the heart.

Shih decides to confront Chien Wai-han. He refuses to talk other than denying being a part of the murders.

Later, in a brothel, Chien asks for the most popular girl, Hai, there. He walks in on her taking a bath. They talk for a few minutes until. Chien is escorted out when the Chief arrives. Chien overhears them talking how the tunnels are filled with explosives when the Gold Coach arrives. The explosion will remove all the evidence. I can’t see much evidence left from a robbery that a group of criminal investigators would discover.

The monk reports back to Chien. A rebellion is being planned. Chien doubts that Master Ting is involved.

Chief thinks that Chien is trouble and must be eliminated. All the suspicious people must be killed.

That night, several chicks bring wine for the tunnel-digging crew. A party ensues. The goons arrive. The tunnel crew falls over poisoned from the wine. The head of the tunnel crew is killed quickly. A cart is taken away.

Chief finds Chien at the scene of the tunnel crew slaughter. Shih and Shang arrive and demonstrate Chien wasn’t the murderer.

They head to Master Ting’s home, finding it ransacked. A servant claims the Gold Dragon Escort Service took Ting. Chien has a date to keep.

Back at the brothel, Chien pays another visit to Hai. He’s about to get some sweet and sour loving when Hai draws the SUPER DRAGON GUN.

SUPER DRAGON GUN attack!!!

The Chief, Shih, and Shang all head to the Cold Green Pavilion. They have a short fight with several of the girls who retreat into the temple.

Chien knocks the SUPER DRAGON GUN away from Hai. Matron Lady has Chien release her. She shoots at Chien when monk arrives. The monk wears a 36 bead necklace which is magnetic. The necklace deflects the darts. Matron and Hai are killed when the darts ricochet back at them. Chien has moved the explosives.

Back at the temple, more girls attack our intrepid group.

Elsewhere, a group of goons surround Chien and Monk. Chien unleashes his old school sword technique, killing the goons.

Shih and Shang are fighting da gurls. Sorry, I accidentally channeled the Superfans for a moment.

Chien and Monk get to the temple.

Chief is off fighting several guys. For a while, he is acquitting himself admirably. Well, the goons are finally able to run him through.

Chien is searching the temple.

The evil servant demands our heroes be killed. They have been torturing Master Ting. Somehow, they plan to gain fortune and glory from Ting. Have these guys been listening to Indiana Jones? Anyways, servant is killed by the evil partner, Lo Tzu-ching, with the SUPER NEEDLE GUN. Monk saves Ting from being killed and asks for the SUPER NEEDLE GUN.

Lo calls for his goons. Chien enters the fray finishing faster than Jason Biggs in American Pie.

Shang is searching the tunnels under the temple. Numerous skeletons surround her. She has to battle skeletons on wires. William Castle would be so proud. Shih hears the fight and comes to her aid.

Suddenly, goons surround them. Stylized sword fighting ensues. Shih and Shang head on the tunnel.

Monk is demonstrating his Shaolin Style. He fights Lo.

Shih and Shang are battling the girl.

Finally, the head evil dude arrives. Shih, Shang, and Monk take him on (unlike Ah-ha).

Chien appears and reveals the evil dude is General Ma Chao-yuan who has been hiding for years after his failed rebellion. Chien is a palace guard tracking him.

The heroes have the girls and Ma left to contend. It is Chien versus Ma.

Shang and Shih follow Ma.

Monk is fighting the girl.

Shang and Shih are trapped in a room with foes, flames and projectile swords.

Chien is still chasing after Ma.

Monk is battling the girls.

Shih and Shang finish off the goons. Suddenly, new evil guy with some kind of mace on a wire attached to his arm wounds Shang.

Elsewhere, Chien barely avoids the flying Ma.

The 3 fights are being intercut, getting harder to keep track of everything.

Shih and Shang are fighting the wire evil guy. Shang finally runs her long pointy sword through him. Well, Shih gets the last blow, though.

Monk uses his 36 bead style to disarm the girls.

Chien is battling the evil Ma. Chien is fatally wounded but manages to stab Ma and blind him before dying.

Monk, Shih, and Shang meet a stranger. Monk claims the stranger is in fact the real General Ma. Chien killed Ma Lin-yu, an imposter. Monk reveals Ma’s evil plan. Ma poisoned his brother. Monk and Chien had been tracking Ma for years. Monk was after Lo for stealing 12 SUPER NEEDLE GUNS. But, when he learned, Lo was working with Ma, Monk helped Chien track Ma.

Ma was going to use the tunnels to attack the capital. Ma vows to take care of Monk.

Shih and Shang jump to Monk’s side. Throwing stars are used, wounding Shih and Shang.

Monk is using his 36 bead style against the evil General Ma. He is tossing grenades around. Shih and Shang quickly rejoin the fight.

Shih and Shang impale Ma with their swords. Ma promptly explodes leaving only his clothes.

Our heroes walk away from the pile of flaming General Ma.

What I say:

This is my review for the August roundtable. Originally, I had another movie in mind. But, it fell through. It was laziness on my part. I did find what would be a suitable replacement but in a video store discovering something that cried to me for this roundtable. I'm going to digress for a moment. However, when do I actually have coherent paragraphs? A good rule of thumb about a 80s ninja movie is if you pick up the box while watching the movie because the movie is nothing like the plot. That rule seems to be applicable to 70s Kung Fu as well. The box description has no real connection to the movie. I got this movie on the basis of the plot on the box.

There was very little information about this movie on IMDB. In fact, when I was searching, the movie it brought up doesn't really match much of plot from this movie. The movie credits were in Mandarin. I can only go by the acotr names on the box. Mark Long sounds like a porn star. Come to think of it, Champ Wang has that kind of ring, too.

Does this sound familiar 'Chess Boxing's ghost faced killer shaves his head and takes the role of super monk in this dark kung fu epic."? The haunted temple does have a few creepy moments. Many old horror movies had the paintings where people would spy on the hero through the eye holes, and it is done in this movie, too. It is hard to think that such an old horror gimmick is to be used in a Kung Fu movie. I never knew what I was missing from seeing a sword fighters attacking skeletons on wires. William "House on Haunted Hill" Castle would truly have loved it.

It is hard to complain about a DVD that is $2. Any movie that cheap will have technical problems. In fact, my biggest gripe is the movie has to be a washed out 2nd or 3rd generation duplicate of a VHS copy. The subtitles are hard to ready and some don't even fit on the screen for that matter. Dialogue isn't that important in this kind of movie. In fact, the worse the subtitles are the funnier the movie becomes. I left out some of the spelling errors in the Quotable Subtitles section.

Many Kung Fu movies have the problem of not naming their characters for 20 or 30 minutes. That is very hard to follow who is who. At least the main characters are easily differentiable. It looked like all the female ghosts were the same unsure if that was intended or not. It made trying to identify some of the characters harder.

What old school Kung Fu movie would be complete without the evil laughing villain? The villain should have a long beard to stroke while he laughs at the hero. No evil mastermind can do a maniacal laugh like the Kung Fu type. Any James Bond villain may have the witty remarks like "I expect you to die Mr. Bond."

These kind of movies are more trying to figure out what to do between fights which doesn't feature the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style of Kung Fu. This is the Shaw brothers’ style which started to die out after the Jackie Chan style got more popular. This isn't the infamous 5 Venom style which is considered more of the Golden Age of Kung Fu movies. Most of fights consist of our hero surrounded by guys that attack in turn to do synchronized attacks. Wire-fu may have been original but has gotten awfully worn and tired. This old school Kung Fu is a change from Iron Monkey type of martial arts movies.

The last few minutes as we keep getting new villains got hard to keep track of them. It confuses the plot. In fact, the movie had too many Scooby Doo moments at the end. Logic isn't supposed to be visited in old school Kung Fu movies. The villain's plan doesn't make any sense. At least, Ma was manipulating Lo and Master Ting's evil servant. Didn't Chien recognize the imposter General Ma? Why go to that trouble fighting a fake? Well, he makes several comments throughout the movie about his death. This must be some kind of implied death wish. The Kung Fu expert with a death wish would be analogous to the 80s action movie with the cop on the edge.

It may sound like I've spent plenty of time trying to find faults 36 Shaolin Beads. You don't pick a movie apart like this because of its faults. Pretty much every fault is known before watching the movie. We're just waiting for the next fight scene. It may not rank up with the Gordon Liu's 36^th Chamber. But, a Monk with beads fighting female escorts claiming to be ghosts can't be bad.

Quotable Subtitles
“ ‘House of Ghosts’ what a strange name…”
“The Super Needle Gun!!!”
“My secret formula gives you energy. You’ll think you’re flying.”
“You’re becoming a very decadent monk.”
“You look 70% ghost.”
“Isn’t a murder, it’s a haircut.”
Morals of the Story
Chinese guns look like dragons.
Desolate roads are best booby-trapped.
Ghosts can teleport.
Dragon guns can fly.
Sword wounds don’t bleed.