Shaolin Soccer (2001)

Cast:

Stephen Chow is Sing, Might Steel Leg
Vicki Zhao is Mui
Ng Man Tat is Golden Leg

What the box says:

With tons of action, eye-popping special effects and nonstop laughs, here's a hilarious martial arts comedy about a team of misfits who take a shot at winning a championship! Sing is a skilled Shaolin kung fu devotee whose amazing "leg of steel" catches the eye of a soccer coach! Together they assemble a squad of Sing's former Shaolin brothers inspired by the big-money prize in a national soccer competition! Using an unlikely mix of martial arts and newfound soccer skills, it seems an unbeatable combination...until they must face the dreaded Team Evil in the ultimate battle for the title!

Plot:

In 1983, Golden Leg and Hung are arguing in the locker room. The soccer crowd cheers as Golden Leg takes the field. He kicks and misses the winning goal. The Scottish Soccer Hooligans would be impressed by the ensuing riot. Golden Leg is beaten, and his leg is crippled.

20 years later, Mr. Hung is considered the greatest since Golden Leg. Golden is Hung’s lackey like Hung was to Golden 20 years earlier. Golden wants Hung to give him a team to coach. Hung gets angry firing him and reveals he had his leg broken in the infamous riot.

Golden walks around the city. He finds a guy commenting on a soccer game. Might Steel Leg offers to teach golden Kung Fu. Steel Leg wants people to learn Shaolin Kung Fu and incorporate it into their daily lives. They watch as woman trips on a banana peel. Steel Leg explains how Kung Fu keeps you from tripping, etc. Golden Leg gets mad when called a cripple. He sees how far Steel Leg can kick a can and hobbles away.

Steel Leg heads on his way and delivers scrap metal to the junkyard.

At a sweet bun shop, Steel Leg spots a girl performing Kung Fu as she bakes. Steel Leg is very impressed with her.

My, what a tasty swcheaty ball... Mui has enough acne to disturb Lemmy from Motorhead. Steel starts to burst into song.

Various other people begin to break out into song and into a synchronized dance number.

It is illegal to spontaneously break out into synchronized dancing. Mui is starting to get into the groove, too. Her boss crashes everyone back into reality.

Steel Leg goes to visit his brother, Iron Head. He has a big idea to promote Kung Fu through music. Iron Head wants him to be realistic. Iron is talked into Steel’s plan. An audience isn’t impressed with Shaolin monk styled band.

Shaolin Rock will be bigger than Hair Metal. The audience throws bottles at Steel Leg’s head and Head’s legs.

Later, Golden Leg finds the can Steel Leg kicked the day before embedded into a brick wall. He realizes how powerful Steel can kick.

Steel Leg gets into a fight wanting to join in a soccer game. Matrix freeze frames and people bouncing around like pinballs hitting bumpers ensues.

Golden Leg finds Steel Leg to talk with him. Kung Fu can be used in soccer. They need to get Steel Leg’s shows back.

Mui held Steel Leg’s shoes after he ate some sweet buns.

Iron Head is being stalked but can’t escape Steel Leg. He isn’t interested in Steel’s crazy scheme.

Steel Leg has to get his other brothers. He tries convincing Fung to join due to his Empty Hand style which would make him the perfect goalie. Fung refuses.

Steel Leg and Golden talk with Iron Shirt who isn’t interested.

They try to recruit Light Weight who is huge due to his compulsive eating disorder. Light Weight isn’t interested either.

Hooking Leg doesn’t want any part of it either.

Iron Head is chewed out by his boss again. All the brothers wherever they are look at a group picture when they were younger.

Golden tries to console Steel about his brothers. Suddenly, they all arrive in ultra cool slow-motion John Woo fashion.

The team starts to practice. Steel kicks the ball into sub orbit. When it returns, Golden tries going over the basic soccer skills with them. He has Steel practice how to kick gently using eggs. They all slowly improve.

Golden has a practice game for them. Shaolin team versus the group Steel played earlier. Steel gets tag teamed by the other team who are wielding wrenches and hammers. They do backbreakers like in wrestling matches on the Shaolin team. It’s a brawl…

Eventually, Steel starts hallucinating he has a gun and a helmet calling for reinforcements. Shaolin team surrenders.

Garage team wants Iron Head to wear their dirty shorts. As the team laughs, chanting is heard. Suddenly, the Shaolin team regains their Kung Fu not quite like Stella getting her groove back. They start unloading Kung Fu vengeance on the Garage team. Golden realize they’ll be rich. The Garage team begs to join the Shaolin team and is allowed to join.

In a swimming pool, Team Evil is practicing. Hung learns that Golden Leg wants to sign his team up for the tournament. Hung sees the motley crew and allows them to join.

Later, Steel Leg finds Mui. He takes her to a department store after hours. He vows to repay her after winning the tournament. He tells her how beautiful she is if you ignore the horrible eczema and psoriasis.

Golden offers the team some advice before their first game. Puma team can’t help but laugh at them. The laughter ends when they realize the Shaolin team is kicking several goals that can’t be stopped.

A Shaolin Soccer team victory montage ensues.

Steel Leg asks Mui out.

Mui gets a makeover from a goateed guy in a dress that runs a beauty shop. (You thought I was joking.)

Chyna is starting to look awfully strange.

Shaolin Soccer gets sponsors.

Later, Steel sees the new hot Mui. He introduces her to the team. They all kid her about looking like a ghost. Her boss laughs at her and tries to slap her. This is a helpful piece of advice don’t anger employees who are Kung Fu masters. Mui prevents her boss from slapping her.

Mui thinks that Steel is in love with her. He denies it and claims to just be good friends.

In the semifinals, they have to play a team of dreadlocked war painted girls with facial hair.

I don't know if I should go to the guys or girls locker rooms. Team Dread apparently can fly. However, they can’t get past Shaolin’s goalie doing his Bruce Lee impression.

Hung meets with Golden Leg and offers him a bribe for the Shaolin team join Team Evil. Golden refuses and will meet on the field.

Shaolin team is going to the finals.

Steel learns that Mui was fired. Apparently her buns were salty and bitter. A flashback shows her crying in the dough. Steel had a ticket for her to go to the final.

Shaolin team heads on the field as they eye the trophy. Golden sees Hung enter his private booth.

Hung has a plan to win.

The game starts. Steel Leg sees his kick was blocked. The goalie lets Steel try again and still no good.

Hung mentions to his lackeys steroids as a flashback to syringe fu. Apparently all the officials and refs are on Hung’s payroll.

Bruce Lee goalie action ensues. Team Evil is able to cripple him.

Golden realizes the game is rigged when no foul is called.

The goalie is taken off the field. The game continues as Team Evil is flying around. Kung Fu soccer continues.

At halftime, in the locker room, the Shaolin team is bloodied and bruised. The garage members leave. Golden tries to inspire the rest of the team.

The second half has a new goalie. Iron Shirt calls his girlfriend he loves her before blocking Team Evil. They can’t get past him.

Shaolin team gets the ball and is barely kept from scoring by Team Evil.

Team Evil tries to cripple Steel Leg.

Iron Shirt keeps Team Evil from scoring. He has to be taken off the field.

/the officials talk to the Shaolin team. They need an 8th member but only have 7. A bald Mui appears to goalie for them. Steel Leg tries talking her out of it.

She goes to the wrong goal at first. When guarding the goal, she accidentally kicks the ball to Team Evil. However, the flaming soccer ball is stopped by her whirling hands.

Steel Leg gets a hold of the ball. He kicks the ball so powerfully the shockwave devastates the filed and knocks the Team Evil out of his clothes.

Shaolin team celebrates and is presented with the trophy.

Newspapers inform us that Hung is banned from coaching. Steel Leg marries Mui.

In the city, Steel Leg spots a girl walking down the sidewalk who slips on a banana peel but back flips her way to a standing position.

Everyone is practicing Shaolin Kung Fu.

Apparently, the Shaolin Soccer craze has reached America.

What I say:

I never really was a big fan of sports. I played softball for one year and was outfield, way outfield. I was so far back in outfield I don't even remember sitting in the dugout when my team was at bat. I've only got a couple of real definite memories. One practice, the coach was telling us about the other team we'd play next. They were so strong every one of them could hit the ball out of the field. This isn't a good way to motivate a 7 year old. I was in outfield and more interested in bugs than when the ball was hit my way. A few years later, our school had a slight soccer craze in the late 80s. During recess, I got to be the goalie. Unfortunately, I wasn't that good at stopping the ball from breaking a window in the building behind me. A broken school window sort of killed the interest.

First off, this is a silly movie. First, a love of soccer isn't needed to appreciate this movie. If you are expecting anything profound, why did you rent Shaolin Soccer? Granted, they don't have any true martial arts battles. However, seeing soccer players kick a ball so hard it looks like a ball of plasma I appreciate. The matches look like what would happen if superheroes played professional sports. We get soccer matches that almost look like what happens when the X-Men play softball. Yes, some of the effects have the Matrix vibe, but don't hold that against the movie. Instead say the American comedy movies that stole and even had scenes that were direct rip-offs of the Matrix like in Kung Pow: Enter the Fist and Deuce Bigalow.

Some of the jokes had to get lost in translation. Can Shaolin team's goalie not be called Bruce Lee? He's got the yellow suit like Lee did in Game of Death. I'm sure I missed some of the puns and jokes like how Mui is teased about looking like a ghost after her makeover. I left out describing some of the visual comedy. Why? Comedy is hard to write about. If it has to be explained, it isn't funny. I've not mentioned in the review several sight gags that almost are stolen from a Harlem Globetrotters routine. The song and dance routine was funnier than it should have been. Slowly everyone was infected with the groove until the boss brought them screeching back into reality.

Movies with large casts are hard to really keep track of the characters except in slasher movies when you know most wil be dead by the end of the movie. Personally, I had a hard time of keeping track of more than 3 of the Dirty Dozen. Some of the members of Shaolin team are hard to identify especially after the mechanics that stuff wrenches in their shorts plead to join. Most of the Shaolin Soccer are physically different enough to tell apart. Head, Steel Leg, and Stomach. I wasn't sure who was the goalie dressed like Bruce Lee. However, it is still hard to keep track of everyone when most aren't given much screen time. All the Shaolin Soccer team have pretty much fallen on bad ideas after separating.

Ever notice most sports movies with a motley team always turn evil or at least arrogant? They must screw their heads on straight before the big game. The wise coach will channel the spirit of Walter Matthau from the Bad News Bears. We get a Burgess Meredith inspirational speech from Rocky.

Shaolin Soccer has had a hard time getting released here in the US. First, the DVD wasn't going to include the original version. A version missing 30 minutes was all we were going to get. Eventually, the DVD was released with both the original 112 minute version and an 89 minutecut version. I had heard so much about this being so insane. I went straight for the original. Why? I've seen in other movies that are better than to be drastically being cut for no discernable reasons. Streetfighter had 18 minutes to be cut for an R-rating. So, it was my duty to watch the longer version. I watched a few minutes of the shorter version of Shaolin Soccer, and it did seem a lot more disjointed. The American version didn't show Golden Leg getting paid off in the locker room before he missed the goal in the big game. I think just seeing how much was altered in 5 minutes. I didn't want to see what else had been altered.

Excuse while I allow my comic book geek to run free. Comic books always have superheroes saving the world. In the mid-80s, the Thing from the Fantastic Four had a series where he had adventures. At one point, Marvel Comics had the idea in their books for Unlimited Class Wrestling which was superhumans wrestling. I mention the Thing because he was probably the biggest name in the wrestling idea. It was kept around for a few years and then sort of disappeared with no fanfare. What does a mid 80s comic book gimmick have to do with this movie? Shaolin Soccer is apparently the world filled with people who possess Dragonball Z superpowers. A lot of people aren't big anime fans especially of DBZ. Don't let that scare you away from this movie. However, this movie is one of the closest to live-action anime movies out there. No one is really that astounded by people flying around the soccer field, destructive shockwaves, and fiery soccer balls traveling faster than the speed of sound.

Any movie that has an actual TEAM EVIL. I must salute. They are standing in the way of the noble Shaolin Soccer team so it is understood they are evil. I'm sure they could have a couple shots of them crushing soccer balls of fans or demanding money for autographs. However, we don't need to know why for they are TEAM EVIL. We never get any reason for them being evil other than being Hung's team and for them taking steroids or super drugs from America. With the latest, baseball steroid scandals, it makes TEAM EVIL even more intimidating. When you can kick a soccer ball hard enough for it to be encased in plasma do you need to be more intimidating?

This movie has so much in it to keep it from really categorizing it. So, Shaolin Soccer has martial arts, comedy, action, and the underdog sports story. I've made a few remarks about film snobs. They have the right to watch what they want. However, don't insult what I watch without expecting me to retaliate with my ninjaball skills. Most people who avoid categories on general principle don't realize what they are missing. They are the people who turn their nose up at science fiction or horror. To them, sci-fi is to geeky with those Trekkies, and horror is awful with Stephen King. Well, high and mighty artsy ones, sit in your Ivory Tower and read Post-Modern Pseudo-Neolithic Retro-Gothic poetry, while us Mole People can watch in peace away from your prentious and condescending attitudes. Well, it makes it easier to watch a lot of movies with them unable to point their noses down enough to spot them at the video store.

Point to Ponder

Ok, this is bad pun. Unfortunately, it got stuck in my head and must share it with the world. Imagine Shaolin BASEketball with Trey Parker and Matt Stone having super kung fu powers.

Quotable Subtitles
"Team Evil has won the Supercup the last 5 years."
"I learned it from my idol, Bruce Lee of course."
"I sing to express my admiration."
"You see, you're a real salt fish without a pair of shoes."
"Those Americans drugs are living up to their promise."
"So we need to be more brutal."
"Why do you make yourself look like ET?"
Morals of the Story
Soccer fans carry cricket bats.
Monks never trip on banana peels.
Kung Fu makes parallel parking so much easier.
Soccer is more dangerous than a gunfight in a Western.
Girls will allow themselves to be slapped if it will kill a housefly.
Don't ever anger an employee who is a Kung Fu master.
Soccer teams believe in synchronized running.
Evil Rich guys love to dance.