WASHINGTON, DC
The Clinton administration announced on Monday an emergency spending bill splitting $100 billion between military efforts and programs studying the effectiveness of talking about violence prevention.
Three billion dollars has also been slated towards Moe Hadley, a live bait salesman in Paducah, Ky.
Speaking after a Rose Garden ceremony honoring several people who photograph well, President Clinton lauded the bill as "a clear message to future generations that boldly stated many things."
He then reiterated the administration's preference for wars limited to bombing runs, as they offer "the best way to keep our soldiers from seeing all those dead bodies."
Privately, administration sources admit that the bill effectively eliminates the $117 billion budget surplus.
White House spokesperson Joe Lockhart acknowledged the trade-offs: "War is costly. Talking about violence prevention is costly. And certainly giving $3 billion to an illiterate live bait salesman is costly. But what the hell."
Continued Lockhart: "We've got this one gun that makes green light and goes 'zweeeewooo' when it fires - it's totally bitchin' awesome."
But it's the decision to discuss violence prevention and study its effectiveness that has Capitol Hill on its ear.
Driven by public outcry over violence in suburban white America, the Clinton administration will hold several town hall meetings aimed at talking about curbing violence.
Topics will include debates on the connection between violence and gun ownership, self-esteem workshops and examinations of militaristic computer game software.
Rep. Bob Barr (R-Ga.) dismissed the need to talk about violence prevention as the "typical knee-jerk reaction that happens after any crime."
"Something bad happens and someone thinks you should do something about it," concluded Barr.
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) recalled that he first realized the computer gaming industry was promoting questionable entertainment when his nephew introduced him to Tomb Raider, a popular first person "shooter" game.
"I played that damn game for five hours," noted McConnell, "and I never could figure out how to make Lara Croft's tanktop come off."
Concluded McConnell: "Clearly, this is not the sort of thing we should be talking about it."
Speaking to reporters in his home state of Mississippi, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-Ms.) expressed doubts about the need to talk about violence prevention, characterizing the idea as "typical of an administration made up of kleptomaniacs, homosexuals, midgets, librarians, Buddhist transexuals and hirsute carnival workers."
President Clinton defended his emergency spending bill by noting that the average child sees two hundred thousand acts of simulated violence before his eighteenth birthday and "we owe it to these children to talk about it."
"But talking about it is only half the battle," continued Clinton. "We also have to study how we feel after having talked about it."
"That's when we'll have really accomplished something."
