My friend Jimmy is such a dumbass for not knowing this girl was a guy. I mean really dumb. We're talking doorknob dumb.
Light's on but nobody's home. If he was anymore of an airhead you'd have to tie him down so he wouldn't float away.
He's that dumb.
Let me explain. So we're at this bar. It's Wing Night and we're just there with the intention of throwing back
a few cold ones and perhaps enjoying the company of a few ladies when who should slide up on Jimmy but this huge
woman with hands that could crush walnuts.
And I'm thinking, hello and holy shit, I hope my insurance is paid up because she's got legs that could crush a
melon if you know what I mean but Jimmy is totally oblivious and buys her a beer. At which point I'm like, hold
the phone, take a message and call back in the morning and I pull him off to the side and he's like, "what the
fuck's your problem?" and I'm like, "take a look at her dude, she's a guy" and he just laughs and says
I shouldn't be judgmental of a girl who has a little meat on her bones and I'm telling him that there's meat
and then there's meat and when it comes to some things I'd always thought of him as a vegetarian.
And Jimmy's just shaking his head and I grab him by the shoulders and say, "Jimmy, she's got a lump."
So Jimmy looks over and sure enough she - or he - is scratching "it" and I say if he likes well-hung women
it's not like there's anything wrong with that. I saw that Seinfeld episode after all.
So, Jimmy just sort of scrunches up his face and says, "C'mon Trey, that doesn't mean she's a guy."
And I'm like, "Dude, most women who have penises are guys, it's just a fact."
And he's kind of thrown by this and asks if John Wayne Bobbitt was no longer a guy when he didn't have
his penis and I'm like of course he was, because he still had his balls and Jimmy's like OK, let's say
a guy loses his penis and his balls, is he no longer a guy?
Now, I'll admit that threw me for a second. Then I just say, "No, but he's less of a guy than he was
before. And until he gets them back he's a Guy In Limbo - a GIL which is only one letter away from being a girl."
So Jimmy says, "Then it's like when you take the chocolate out of a candy bar, it's less of a delicious
candy bar but it's still a candy bar?"
And I say, "Yeah kinda, it's kinda like that."
So he says, "Well if a candy bar can be a candy bar without its chocolate then that means the chocolate
is just an aspect of the candy bar and not the essence of the candy bar and if that's true then
really a penis is just an aspect of being a guy and not the whole kit n' kaboodle."
And I say, "Right, but in this case the guy over there has his aspect so your candy bar has its
chocolate so it's a moot point and don't try and confuse matters."
And he's like, "Well maybe she's like a PayDay."
And I say, "Hello, what?"
"A PayDay," he says. "It's a candy bar with peanuts and nougat and caramel and stuff like that but no
chocolate. She's a PayDay bar that wasn't supposed to have chocolate on her but maybe she got a little
chocolate aspect dipped on her on the factory floor you know? She's still a PayDay. She's not
suddenly a Snickers."
And I'm like, "Jimmy, if you are trying to rationalize buying a few drinks for some lumberjack in a cheap
skirt be my guest but don't try and tell me he's a she because Willy Wonka hit the wrong button. And even
if she's only a he because Willy Wonka hit the wrong button it doesn't change the fact that she's a he."
And he's like, "You're just being superficial. You can't judge people based solely on what's on the outside."
So then he just walked back up to his chocolate bar.
Anyway, just trust me. She was a guy.
