New York, NY
In an IPO watched closely by industry trend spotters, some total nobody named Henry Dappler went public today and saw shares of himself soar 378 percent on their first day of trading. Henry Dappler's IPO (NASDAQ: HANK) is the first in what is expected to be a rush of individuals allowing investors the opportunity to assign market value to their potential future earning power.
At today's closing price of 172 dollars a share, Dappler, a computer technician, has an instant market value of $10.75 billion. Standing on his balcony outside his efficiency apartment, Dappler was seen repeatedly spraying two liter bottles of diet Coca-Cola against his exposed belly, allowing it to rain down upon the crowds below while pronouncing the day's events "totally f---ing awesome. I'm stoked."
"The decision to go public was an easy one," elaborated Dappler. "Sure, I'll have to answer to my investors if I blow ten bucks on Twinkies in a weekend but the opportunity to get totally stinking rich kind of offsets that nicely if you know what I mean."
A resident of Orlando, Florida, Dappler is a computer technician specializing in photonic processors with Xenox Corporation. He has seen an 8% increase in his gross pay over the last five years according to reports filed with the SEC. Analysts point to Dappler's specialization in the computer industry as being a positive indicator for continued income growth.
Commonly associated with the Internet, computers and those who touch them are seen as being especially hot.
Dappler sold six million shares today through lead underwriters Morgan Stanley Dean Witter and Lehman Brothers. His stock surging an astounding 136 points to close at 172, a 378 percent gain for the day. That was the 10th-largest first-day gain for an IPO; it gained almost as much on its first day as FatBastard.com, a fan site dedicated to commemorating the morbidly obese Mike Myers character seen in 'Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.'
Investors are enthusiastic about Dappler, even though his total earnings over his lifetime have been less than $100,000. Investors also ignored the fact that Dappler has trouble paying off his credit cards and has an admitted weakness for "bow-legged women,' according to a recent filing Dappler made with the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Most exciting to investors are Dappler's plans to launch a website featuring, "photos of my friends and me when we went down to Cancun last summer. It was awesome. I got so f----g rocked you wouldn't believe it."
Dappler did not comment on rumors that the site might also sell t-shirts.
"Dappler's offering has been exciting because never before have investors had the opportunity to fund the future buying and earning power of one individual - just think how much more money he'll be able to pump into the economy now that he has over ten billion dollars of capital at his disposal? Everyone wins when we start giving consumers the ability to spend someone else's money," said David Menlow, president of IPO Financial Network in Millburn, N.J.
As evidence of Menlow's point, Dappler announced that his first move would be to upgrade his washing machine and "buy a damn pool table."
