With the Year 2000 just around the corner, people are realizing that the future is fast approaching. Advances in
technology may mean major changes for those of us who live in the future. After speaking with experts in bio medicine,
culture and astrology, MNOTN has assembled trends and predictions to expect from the coming millennium:
In the future, scientists agree, we will live to be 200 years old. This will be good because in the future everything
will be delicious and made out of cake.
Robots will do all our chores and it will be legal to have sex with them. It will also be legal to have sex with monkeys.
This will cause a rise in the incidents of people having sex with monkeys.
Dutch scientists will continue to clone sheep, cats, emus, and a single lobster. Los Angeles scientists will clone the
Rat Pack and everyone will have one in their living room. The wisdom behind the inevitable genetic splicing of Cher and
Richard Simmons will be heavily debated.
Foot odor will continue to be a challenge.
Cable modems will be the communication wave of the future until they are made obsolete by wireless connections
implanted in our rectums.
Ninety percent of the human body will be replaceable and/or detachable. High school locker room "stolen penis"
incidents will rise dramatically.
After seventeen straight hours playing Mega-Death Menace VII, a Global Telecom quality assurance coordinator
named Mike will take a break to munch on some Milk Duds.
The erotic nature of your average circus clown will be unquestioned.
Celebrities will keep a spare clone of themselves on-hand should they die prematurely due to drug overdose,
airplane crash or after an unfortunate accident in the makeup trailer involving a hair dryer and a hot oil treatment.
Voice-recognition software will improve, freeing hands from typing and becoming highly popular with multi-tasking
office workers and multi-tasking lonely men who frequent internet chat rooms.
In the future, the best jokes will involve a hermaphrodite, a waffle and a ring-tailed lemur.
The popularity of log-rolling as a means of effective transportation will continue to decline.
Underwear will be optional.
A Rwandan boy named Kili will use the miracle of e-commerce and an IBM Thinkpad to launch Sweetbooty.com, a porn
site that generates enough advertising revenue to build his village a new well.
Oranges will last for six months, pears for a year and marriages for an hour.
Zebras will do something memorable.
The highest rated television show in the United States will be PimpCam, a hilarious look at prostitution and
fashion brought to the viewer via live feed from a digital web-cam on a gold-plated crucifix medallion worn
by a "real, live arbiter in flesh."
All Barry Manilow jokes will now be fully compatible with Ricky Martin.
The inventor of the dog bark translation device will be universally vilified.
You don't know what Hampton Waddlers are now, but just wait! You will! And, boy, are they gonna be hot!
The Honda Accord will be available in French Vanilla with a taupe interior. The spoiler package will continue
to be optional.
The captain of Eastwater High's 2032 football team will gradually lose interest in orange juice, preferring grapefruit
almost without exception until arbitrarily switching back only months before graduation, causing his mother great
consternation.
All candidates for public office will be required to admit instances of pot-smoking, any preferences for the novels
of Jackie Collins and all latent homosexual urges.
And lastly, most of our experts expect that at some point a rumble of disquiet will roll across the land as the polar
ice caps melt and mass extinction sets in. That rumble of disquiet will be quieted when McDonald's runs a 2 for
$2 Big Mac special.
That's about it! It's hard to know what the future will bring, but one thing we do know is that it will be great!
We are really looking forward to the future!
- The Editors
