NEW YORK, New York
Whether you like your skirts long or short, your "little black dress" literally edgy or whimsically diffident,
fashion experts agree on one thing this season: It's hot to be hot.
Dubbed "hotties" by industry insiders, these "attractive people" are expected to inspire wanton lust
and swelling in onlookers while emphasizing the importance of physical beauty within the fashion world.
"The Year 2000 is going to be a really great year to be fabulous looking," opined Mademoiselle editor
Elizabeth Crow. "Unlike previous years when skanky, lock-jawed, hairy-kneed alcoholics with glandular
disorders were all the rage, physical beauty may maintain popularity well into the next decade."
While some have doubted that an appreciation for physical beauty will spread as quickly as predicted
by Crow, the trend is clearly catching on in New York. Nowhere has this been more clear than in the
fashion world's collective swooning over the untamed minimalism proffered by the two man design team of
Dulcimer and Garbanzo.
After shocking the fashion cognoscenti last summer with vibrating corsets adorned with tiny caramel statues of
Mussolini, the two men sequestered themselves in their Milan studios for several months.
Sporting the hot new "tall and thin and vaguely scary look," Dulcimer and Garbanzo's models proudly
paraded for the paparazzi, drawing immediate praise for the men from Milan's new fall collection, "The Excessive Virtues."
In addition to an endless shower of lithe sexuality, Dulcimer and Garbanzo treated their guests to a display that
was romantically acidic and occasionally cacophonous, emphasizing soft, body-conscious lines, sugary lavenders and
snakeskin baseball hats. The ensemble was both melodramatic and harmoniously abbreviated, leaving little to the
imagination and even less to sweat through.
Often cloaked in a shroud of mystery for weeks before a show, Dulcimer and Garbanzo transformed their runways
into a "fantasy garden" of lollipops and bubblegum that wowed the gathered glitterati as the models traversed the
runways astride sheep, elephants, unicycles and a golden catamaran.
Despite the fantastical display, Dulcimer and Garbanzo have listened to the consumer call for practicality,
displaying a certain street-level savvy that emphasizes the importance of physical beauty in everyday life.
This season, the two renegade designers are focusing on coats and blouses, eliminating pants and skirts
altogether. Garbanzo says if a woman must wear something below the waist, she should choose a straight skirt
that falls to mid-calf with a small slit in the back and a canned yam taped to the left buttock.
Said Garbanzo as he checked the drape of an eight ounce canned yam attached to the buttock of Naomi Campbell,
"Ugliness is to be made gone."
Reasons for this sudden pursuit of beauty vary, say experts. The good news is that with the availability of
cosmetic surgery, it is possible for virtually everyone to attain asymmetrical facial features, trim hips,
wide shoulders, a proportionate bosom, good hair, variable eye color and a catatonic deadness of the soul.
Helping those with severe beauty deficiencies may create an entirely new industry as average looking people
seek ways of improving their looks.
Tim Triplett, author of "Practical Applications for Genetic Engineering: How to Avoid Passing On Your Physical
Inadequacies to Your Children," stated that the majority of Americans realize that aside from the occasional
liposuction, pore-cleaning or artistic insertion of plastic, little can be done to help them attain god-like beauty.
"But they don't want that same fate for their children," says Triplett. "Future generations can realize the
true American Dream of having children that are better looking than their parents. The goal will be children
that look like you, but without your inevitable flaws. Think of it as looking at yourself in the mirror after
having a few beers."
Along with the fresh and exciting implications of an increasingly attractive population come questions.
Inevitably, the less economically viable members of a society may find it difficult to afford the still
costly procedures and products necessary to attain physical beauty. Dubbed "The Beauty Divide" this situation
is already apparent as your average shoe salesperson is approximately 25% less attractive than even a moderately
handsome local newscaster. Experts fear that this gap may increase steadily if safeguards are not instituted to
help the working poor enjoy similar access to beauty.
Several bills are currently circling through Congress with most setting aside funds for unattractive poor people,
giving them access to high quality moisturizers, state-funded liposuction and basic facial reconstruction as a
means of removing conspicuous flaws such as warts, soft chins and general flab.
"I have high hopes that soon we'll all be quite hot," predicted Crow. "When you take all of this into account,
the future has never looked so good."
Your Thoughts?
What do you think of the growing trend towards physical attractiveness? Are you good looking? Do you know good
looking people? Do you know the criteria for judging them? Would you like one for a pet? Talk about it on
our Fashion Trends message board.
