AIMES, Iowa
Patrick Buchanan stirred the campaign for the Republican presidential nomination to life on Saturday after
recommending that captured illegal immigrants be processed into consumer goods such as handbags and tasteful cutlery.
Buchanan's remarks came during his final 10-minute pitch at the Iowa straw poll event.
Speaking to a crowd of more than 15,000 cheering Iowans in Ames' Hilton Coliseum, Buchanan put his own
spin on compassionate conservatism. Terming his new approach "Friendly Fascism," he urged voters to "get
past all the goose-stepping stereotypes" and explore "the softer side of fascism."
"If someone comes into this country without a visa or passport," explained Buchanan, "we should grab him,
bonk him on the head, throw him in a van and make wallets and boots out of him and use his bones for knife handles."
Speaking after Buchanan, front-runner Texas Governor George W. Bush came out in favor of processing illegal
immigrants into consumer goods but only "as long as we are nice about it. No matter how nice the final product,
it's never easy seeing a loved one turned into luggage or a place setting."
Bush then invited everyone to "come down and go fishin' with me in Texas."
After the voting was completed, Bush moved on to a local charter school where he spoke Spanish with some of
the Hispanic students, telling them that mastering English and having an easily pronouncable name that fits
nicely on a bumper sticker are two of the keys to success in America.
Drake University political scientist, Sigrid Norton, said the answer fits the Bush campaign's approach of big-tent
conservatism. "He understands that the processing of illegal immigrants into various sundry items is a potentially
touchy subject and he's showing some sensitivity regarding that issue. It's a smart move."
Party faithful echoed Bush's sentiments, as former Ohio Congressman John Kasich stated, "He's pretty darn down to
earth and I think the American People are coming to understand that even on an issue like the processing of illegal
immigrants into handbags, George W. is a guy they can relate to."
Other candidates had mixed responses to Buchanan's message and Bush's response.
Multi-millionaire publisher Steve Forbes responded to the question of processing illegal immigrants into consumer
goods by saying, "we're going to take the current tax code and shred it, burn it, pickle it and send it up to bed
without its supper. It'll be gone, dead and forgotten. I hate it. You hate it. It's unfair and we're going to
change it. We're going to flatten it out. Like a pancake. No syrup. No butter. Just a plain, flat, simple, pancaked
tax code."
Spotted enjoying a famous Iowa-cut pork chop outside the convention center, former vice-president Dan Quayle paused
for several seconds after being informed of Buchanan's remarks. Quayle then blinked and said, "I'm a former
vice-president" then turned back to his plate.
Elizabeth Dole, a former Cabinet secretary and Red Cross president who was seduced into running by Republicans
who said they'd vote for her but never really meant it, has stated her firm opposition to processing illegal
immigrants for consumer goods.
"It's much more beneficial to let them come into the country and work menial jobs under the minimum wage,"
explained Dole. "Without this shadow workforce who would process our foods, sweep our floors and raise our kids
while we're at country clubs and cocktail parties? Should we trade all of that for a few handbags - even really
nice ones? Heck no."
Gary Bauer and Alan Keyes each had opportunities to respond during their speeches but as a preventative measure
their microphones had been turned off and packed up as both suffer from the "might very well be completely nuts"
label and their insight was generally considered less interesting and beneficial to the party than that of the
common horsefly or Lamar Alexander.
