PADUCAH, Kentucky
In reaction to growing national attention on gun-related violence, a new study conducted by the National Rifle Association demonstrated that guns are rarely involved in acts of violence.
The study which surveyed forty-seven white men between the ages of thirty-five and fifty in Paducah, Ky found that 100% of the men believed that guns are never the source of gun violence and in many cases aren't even present at the time of the shooting.
And if the gun is there, noted the study, it's usually as a peacemaker.
Anecdotal evidence gathered by the NRA now suggests that at the time of the shootings in Littleton, Co, at least one Browning 9MM was actually in the school cafeteria kitchen making pudding for the children.
This fact has given a needed boost to a small but vocal minority within the NRA which has been advocating a rethinking of their semi-official slogan to "guns don't kill people, they make chocolate pudding."
In the wake of the study, some are preaching tolerance, asking that the public take the suggestion of the popular bumper stickers in the parking lot of NRA chapter 1543 and "give deadly force a chance."
Chapter president Clifford Bavely commented after the study became public, saying, "We have this assumption that it's bad if somebody gets shot - I say, what were they doing there in the first place? I've never been shot but I've never given anyone a reason to shoot me. If somebody gets shot they usually have it coming, right? So maybe we're better off."
"Guns have a longstanding place of honor and tradition in America and we have to protect that," continued Bavely. "It's part of who we are. Some of my finest memories are of going hunting with my father as a boy. He was there when I shot my first deer. He helped me track it down until we found it lying on its side in a field, still breathing and struggling to get up when we approached. I remember my father telling me to watch out for the antlers before handing me his handgun so I could finish it off. And I remember the look of pride I saw on his face after that pistol kicked back and the deer lay still."
"I want to share that same experience with my son."
