WIRE REPORTS
It seems that there is such a thing as too much of a bad thing.
Commissioned in response to growing safety concerns, a study released today
by the National Institute of Health found probable evidence of a link between
the music of pop superstar Celine Dion and uncontrollable fits of crying and
wailing.
Previous assertions that her music also causes intestinal cramping and sexual
disfunction in her listeners was deemed inconclusive.
With the intention of establishing a connection between the singer's lyrics
and her fans tendency towards spontaneous sniffling, two hundred Celine Dion
fans were tracked starting with their attendance at her August 17th, 1994
concert where she opened for Michael Bolton at Montage Mountains in Scranton,
PA.
National Institute of Health spokesperson, Phyllis Wheatley explained the
study's findings stating that, "Previously, Dion's music was thought to cause
crying because listeners were touched by the poignant lyrics and melodic
singing."
"Quite quickly we realized this was impossible."
"Having carefully observed a representative group of Miss Dion's fans, we
feel we can safely conclude that the emotional response resulting from her
music is due to excessively vapid lyrics that fill the listener with an
irrational fear of scrawny, moon-faced, giant-jawed French-Canadian women
with hair that would scare a cat."
Over the course of the five year study, continued Wheatley, 90% of the
study's participants experienced prolonged bouts of sniffling at the first
whiff of any Dion song. Of equal concern to researchers were the 15% who
reported feelings of panic and dizziness after listening to 1996s "Falling
Into You," an album which sold twenty-three million copies and which critics
likened to listening to a duck in a clothes dryer and was said to carry
the emotional weight of a used tissue.
Futher evidence that Dion's work had harmful potential soon followed as
"Falling Into You" garnered a Grammy for Pop Album of the Year, an honor
which most listeners interpret as the music establishment's way of
acknowledging that an album will make great muzak in six months.
In recent years, Dion, whose music is best suited to celluloid saccharine
like "Beauty and the Beast" and "Titanic," has continued a breakneck
recording pace which includes celebrity duets and often features ironic
covers like "You Make Me Feel (Like A Natural Woman)." This, say her critics,
demonstrates a carnivorous pursuit of profit, born out of a security in the
knowledge that her fans will scoop up every re-release and holiday album with
quivering glee.
But it is Dion's own listening public who is being harmed by her
irresponsible lyrics.
Most shocking is the tale of Kitty Blain of Wichita, Kansas, a self-described
'Celine Fiend' who was listening to "Seduces Me" on a late Saturday night in
June when she made the mistake of paying attention to the lyrics.
Trembling slightly and holding her husband's hand, Blain sang the lyrics that
effected her so deeply that night:
"And if I should die tomorrow
I'd go down with a smile on my face
I thank God I've ever known you
I fall down on my knees
For all the love we've made"
"After listening to that," said Blain, "it occurred to me that
she just sings the same three or four songs over and over. And in each one
she's either blissfully happy or ends up with her heart crying out in a storm
while wet leaves are blown against her wet tears while she dreams about being
in someone's arms amidst flashes of light..."
"She's just awful" said Blain, her eyes filling with tears.
But some of the superstar's fans have been quick to rush to her defense.
In Dion's hometown of Charlemagne, Rene Angelil defended the superstar saying
that, "Celine sets a positive, inspiring example for our kids. She's positive
and she sings about love and happiness and she's really positive and
inspiring. And her teeth are really bright. She's great."
"Or as my cousin put it," said Angelil, "she's the best thing to come out of
Canada since Rush."
Miss Dion was unavailable for comment.
