Mule HQ Olympic Stories Archive
Several Nasty Nudity Incidents As Torch Tours Sydney
Thousands Come Out To See Torch, Some Pull Down Pants For Unknown Reasons
Photo: One Of The Offending Asses, As Photographed By Police
SYDNEY, FRIDAY SEPT. 15TH-- The Olympic Torch arrived in Sydney last Monday, and throughout the week millions have turned out at locations across the city to greet the relay. Now on the final day of the relay, as the torch nears Stadium Australia to light the cauldron, a shocking statistic has been revealed: that incidents of public nudity and bare asses have increased exponentially with the torch's arrival.
On the eve of the Games, New South Wales Police Commissioner Peter Ryan has released arrest reports which tell of excessive nudity greeting the torch at many points along its ever-winding path.
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Torch Says "Enough Already" About Shady Nazi Past
Left: The Torch, As Carried By An Unidentified Woman, Possibly With Connections To Violent Anti-social Neo-Nazi Separatists
SYDNEY, WEDNESDAY SEPT. 14TH-- In a revealing tell-all auto-biography, released just days before it is due to appear at Stadium Australia to light the sacred cauldron and usher in a new Olympiad, the Olympic Torch has broken its silence on its shady Nazi origin, a subject which has caused the Torch much emotional harm over the years.
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Mule HQ Webmaster Gets Special 'Olympic' Haircut
Left: A photo of the Webmaster taken in 1998, just two years after his failed Atlanta Olympic Haircut
SYDNEY, THURSDAY SEPT. 7TH-- Nick Marland, the webmaster of the widely-scorned website Mule HQ has entered his final series of preparations for the Sydney Olympics - beginning in just over a week - by getting a sleek new 'Olympic Edition' Haircut.
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Chinese Athletes Sent Home In Doping Scandal
Rest Of World Says A Collective "Really? Doping?! No Shit?!!"
Chairman Mao Zedong Consoles, Executes Disgraced Athletes In Moving Ceremony.
SYDNEY, WEDNESDAY 6TH-- Up to 27 members of the People's Republic of China's Olympic Squad were today sent home after returning positive blood samples to the performance-enhancing substance EPO. In response, across the world people of all nationalties were left stunned with disbelief.
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Consumer Watchdog Warns: 'They Actually Expect You To Pay For This Crap!'
Inquiry To Be Launched After Hideous Merchandise Revealed Not To Be Free
SYDNEY, SUNDAY-- The Sydney Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (SOCOG) has been rocked less than two weeks before the Games are to commence with news that the Australian Competition & Consumer Commission (ACCC) has returned a negative finding on Official Olympic merchandise, labelling it "crappy" and "not worth your time".
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Sydney Family's Shameful Confession - Actually 'Looking Forward' To The Olympics
SYDNEY, THURSDAY-- After much gruelling self-analysis, denial and argument, a Sydney family has finally admitted the painful, shocking truth: They are looking forward to the Olympics.
"Look, I know it's certainly not right," said David Kerr, father to the Kerr Family, "but we've decided to quit fooling ourselves. There are 15 Days to go, and we're eagerly counting them off."
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Leak Reveals Identity Of Secret Cauldron-Lighter
Perpetual Symbol Of Peace, Mystical Influence On Games To Be Lit By Deceased Former Australian Prime Minister
SYDNEY, WEDNESDAY-- Mule HQ has discovered the until-now secret identity of the person who will run the final stadium leg of the torch relay and then light the symbolic cauldron: Deceased Former Australian Prime Minister Frank Forde.
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News In Brief
Olympic Torch Travels Through Country Towns, Brings With It Grim Spectre Of Hardship
The Olympic Torch continued to wind its way through country New South Wales today, but sadly for many rural dwellers the occassion proved a depressing one, with the Torch announcing further bank closures, job loss and general hardship for small country towns.
"People of Singleton, it is my sad duty to announce to you all that I have no choice but to shut down your bank branch, a financial hub of your community" said the Torch, a symbol of hope to millions. "This is a regrettable flow-on affect of deregulation in the agricultural and financial sectors, coupled with a need to maintain this year's record profits into the next financial year."
The Torch also said that the last family-owned farm in the region - previously with the same family for 154 years - was to be seized and transferred to an unnamed overseas interest specialising in genetically-modified foods.
"Now, who's up for a big party?!" the Torch added.
Reactor Plot Foiled; Citizens Still At Risk, but "Pampered Freakish Athletes Will Be Fine"
This weekend a New Zealand newspaper revealed an apparent terrorist plot to blow up Sydney's Lucas Heights Nuclear Reactor had been foiled. In response, Games Minister Micheal Knight claimed that, whilst Sydney's citizens would have plunged into chaos from the resulting nuclear explosion, both the tight security around the athletes and their "invunerability as a result of years of steroid abuse" would have ensured their safety.
Olympic Rings Installed On Bridge, IOC "Not Happy"
SYDNEY, TUESDAY -- Early this morning the finishing touches were applied to a set of stunning golden Olympic Rings on the side of the world-famous Sydney Harbour Bridge, but the impressive achievement was soured by news that the International Olympic Committee did not give permission for the trademarked rings to be used. A spokesperson for President Juan Antonio Samaranch released a statement saying that the IOC "jealously guarded the international symbol of peace and sporting excellence for a reason" and that "just because Sydney has the Games, it gives them no excuse to start plastering the logo everywhere in a 'willy-nilly' fashion". When later asked for a clarification for the phrase 'willy-nilly', the spokesperson slapped a temporary media ban on reporters who "asked too many questions".
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