AL #1 - Taco Bell Mishap:
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That's all the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting irritated at me for breaking a $50.
ME: Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.
Employee: Is that it?
ME: Yep.
Employee: That'll be $1.04. Is that for here?
ME: No, it's *to* *go*. (I hate effort duplication.)
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says:
Employee: Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
Employee: Hey, you ever seen a $2 bill?
MGR: No. A what?
Employee: A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.
MGR: Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.
Employee: Yeah, I thought so.
He comes back to me and says:
Employee: We don't take these. Do you have anything else?
ME: Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
Employee: I don't know.
ME: See here where it says legal tender?
Employee: Yeah.
ME: So, shouldn't you take it?
Employee: Well, hang on a sec.
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and says:
Employee: He says I have to take it.
MGR: Doesn't he have anything else?
Employee: Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
MGR: I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE. (my emphasis)
Employee: What should I do?
MGR: Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.
Employee: I can't tell him that, you tell him.
MGR: Just tell him.
Employee: No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says:
MGR: I'm sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.
(It was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well-lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores)
ME: Well, here's a two.
MGR: We don't take *those* either.
ME: Why the heck not?
MGR: I think you *know* why.
ME: (Knowing full well he's an idiot) No really, tell me, why?
MGR: Please leave before I call mall security.
ME: Excuse me?
MGR: Please leave before I call mall security.
ME: What for?
MGR: Please, sir.
ME: Uh, go ahead, call them.
MGR: Would you please just leave?
ME: No.
MGR: Fine, have it your way then.
ME: No, that's Burger King, isn't it?
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says (at the other end of counter, in a whisper)
SG: Yeah, Mike, what's up?
MGR: This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.
SG: Really? What?
MGR: Get this, a *two* dollar bill.
SG: Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?
MGR: I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.
SG: So, is the fifty a fake?
MGR: No, the $2 is.
SG: Why would he fake a $2 bill?
MGR: I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?
SG: Yeah...
Security guard walks over to me and says:
SG: Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.
ME: Uh, no.
SG: Lemme see 'em.
ME: Why?
SG: Do you want me to get the cops in here?
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE" but I really just wanted to eat, so I said:
ME: I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:
SG: Mike, what's wrong with this bill?
MGR: It's fake.
SG: It doesn't look fake to me.
MGR: But it's a **$2** bill.
SG: Yeah?
MGR: Well, there's no such thing, is there?
The security guard and I both looked at him like the moron he is, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #2 - The Pearly Gates:
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on his throne.
God asks Al: "What do you believe?"
Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."
God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"
Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #3 - Top Ten Disturbing Lines in the Upcoming "Barney" Movie:
10. Who you callin' Muppet, b*tch! I ain't no stinkin' Muppet!
9. I'm gonna get prehistoric on your *ss.
8. Hey boys! Get a ruler and we can measure our tails!
7. No Tommy, your parents weren't wrestling last night...
6. Once you've had purple, you can never go back.
5. Hasta la vista, Baby Bop.
4. Billy, what ever made you think I was a herbivore?
3. Molly, I'd like you to meet my special friend, Lickalotapuss.
2. Big Bird's a p*ssy!
And the Number 1 Most Disturbing Line in the Upcoming "Barney" Movie...
1. I loved her, she loved me... I really thought she was eighteen.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #4 - Deductive Reasoning:
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
"New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool!"
Later that same day.......
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No..."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #5 - In the Restroom:
Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a spledidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At USC I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The second gentlemen zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks and crubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he also announced to no one in particular, "At CAL I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At UCLA I learned NOT to piss all over my hands."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #6 - The Blonde and the Two Horses:
A blond man bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed
wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height.
When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse
was 2 inches taller than the black.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #7 - Desert Isle:
There is a ship that goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely, sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement: each man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man each week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!! The first week is pretty bad, the second week is is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad,soooooo...on the sixth week.....
They bury her.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #8 - The Painter's Eyesight:
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God, I'm not a gynecologist.'"
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #9 - Hospital Tour:
A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in sexual disorders and goes to visit a facility which has just accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians takes him on a tour of the hospital.
They pass a booth with a young man in it masturbating furiously. The intern turns to his superior and asks what the man's problem is. He responds, "Oh, this man has an enormously over-active sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he becomes seriously ill."
They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and a beautiful blonde nurse on her knees in front of him, lustily servicing him. When he asks the resident what's this man's problem? The response was, "Same problem, better health
plan."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #10 - The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans:
16> We're working on that smell thing, too.
15> Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14> As seen on "COPS"
13> If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets!
12> Not just for nooners anymore.
11> We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10> You rented the room, now buy the video.
9> Sure, you could stay someplace nicer ....... but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8> We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7> Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6> We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
5> It's Hookerriffic!
4> Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3> Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2> Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1> We put the "Ho" in "Motel"!
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #11 - Interview with the Easter Bunny:
With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. America Online spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.
America Online: Thanks for talking to us.
Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? (takes out a packet of small green pellets) I've been in a rush recently.
AOL: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind.
EB: Ready when you are.
AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: "We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?"
EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's located in San Bernardino, California.
AOL: San Bernardino?
EB: That's right.
AOL: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island.
EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need.
AOL: Elves?
EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.
AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.
EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.
AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: "Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter Kitty, or the Easter Puppy?"
EB: That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole "bunny" thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.
AOL: What happened?
EB: It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone.
AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?"
EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents--
AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?
EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description, not a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier," except our employees very rarely become disgruntled.
AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?
EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.
AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?
EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass. We can't afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.
AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?
EB: I don't want to name names. But one bunny who's making a living in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child would try to get an Easter basket from him, he'd back away and start snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.
AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.
EB: Prozac helps.
AOL: Albert from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, wants to know what are the occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny.
EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course: one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a Rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and private security guards. We don't even bother trying to deliver to the children of militia members anymore; first they'll plug you for being on their land, then they'll make you into jerky and a pair of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?
AOL: What?
EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just forget they're there. Man, that's embarrassing.
AOL: Here's an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She writes: "How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It seems like Santa gets all the attention." And I have to say, I did notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.
EB (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don't want to say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I do. Professionally, we get along fine.AOL: But privately?
EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?
AOL: Uh.....sure.
EB: He's a big ol' pain in this bunny's bottom. For one thing, he's a prima donna: always me, me, me, where's my highball, where's my corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing room. I'd rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For another, he's totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks that Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving his pistol and bellowing "Rosebud!" from the top of his lungs.
AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.
EB: You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the same job. Mine's actually tougher, since I'm moving perishable stuff. You can't have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know. Folks wouldn't stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the Space Shuttle with fruitcake.
AOL: We're sure you have your own fans.
EB: It's like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the walrus, if you know what I mean.
AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; "Does the Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?"
EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it's not impossible.
AOL: That still leaves the male part.
EB: We're quibbling on details, here.
AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.
EB: Sorry. We tried that in '78.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #12 - Potential vs. Reality:
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between *potential* and *reality*?" His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means.
He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your dad, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #13 - Nothing like some good ol' Knock Knock Jokes!:
knock knock (KK) who's there? (WT)
aardvark aardvark who?
aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles....
KK WT sam and janet... sam and janet who?
sam and janet evening, you will see a stranger...
KK WT gorilla ...gorilla who?
gorilla my dreams, I love you
KK WT annie ...annie who?
annie thing you can do, I can do better...
KK WT akron ...akron who?
akron give you anything but love, baby...
KK WT donna ...donna who?
donna sit under the apple tree...
KK WT mary lee ... mary lee who?
mary lee we roll along...
KK WT anna maria alberghetti ...anna maria alberghetti who?
anna maria alberghetti in a taxi honey, better be there about half past eight...
KK WT dexter ...dexter who?
dexter halls with boughs of holly...
KK WT ammonia ... ammonia who?
ammonia a bird in a gilded cage...
KK WT one shoe ...one shoe who?
one shoe come home, bill bailey? one shoe come home...
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #14 - The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items:
16> PVC crack pipes
15> Howard Sterno
14> AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun
13> Stud-Muffin Finder
12> DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders.
11> Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy
10> Pee Wee Herman light switch plates
9> VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic
8> Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video
7> Lewinsky Leaf Blowers
6> The TurboBidet 2000
5> Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books
4> Caulk Rings
3> The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter would-be toupee thieves)
2> Goose Tape
and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...
1> "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #15/16 - Beer/The Hobo:
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
----------
A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porche you got there. It's a BMW."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #17 - Internet Smileys:
OK, Most if you have seen :) or :-) which in a traditional smiley face used for e-mail and other text based systems, but have you ever seen #:-),Smile with a fur hat, (for our Siberian joke members) or :-o zz z z Z Z (which means you are bored (Try this on your boss)
If you haven't figured it out :) is just a smiley face turned on its side, since most e-mail reader (at least noy yet) can't rotate characters.
So here are some smileys you can use on your family, friends, colleagues, bosses, and people who you just want to have fun with. This is not an exhaustive list.
----------------
Smiling/Laughing
----------------
Sideways smily face ...... =-)
Just won the lottery...... $-)
Laughing ...... :-D
Simple smilie ...... :-)
Winking smilie ...... ;-)
Alternate happy face ...... :->
-------------
Anger/Sadness
-------------
Frown ...... :-(
Yelling ...... :-(O)
Crying ...... :'-(
Real unhappy ...... :-c
Forlorn ...... :-<
--------------
Other Emotions
--------------
Sticking out tongue ...... :-P
Dead face ...... :-|
Poker face ...... :-I
Amazed ...... :-<>
Shocked ...... :-( )
Perplexed ...... :-&
Bored ...... :-o zz z z Z Z
Thinking ...... :-\
Unbelieving (jaw dropped) ...... :-C
"Oh, nooooooo!" ...... :-o
------------
Turned Faces
------------
Turned face ...... :^U
Turned poker face ...... :^Y
Bleahhh (sticking tongue out) ...... :^r
Turned smiling face ...... :^y
Turned face with tongue out ...... :^W
Pursing lips ...... :^"
---------------
Different noses
---------------
Smilie without a nose ...... :)
Smilie with a piggy nose ...... :@)
Smilie with a bent nose ...... :^)
Smilie with a nose of a clown ...... :*)
--------------
Different lips
--------------
Kiss ...... :-*
Lips are sealed ...... :-X
Robot face ...... :-[]
Smilie with a curly smile ...... :-}
Smilie with straight smile Ver. 1 ...... :->
Smilie with straight smile Ver. 2 ...... :-]
Count Dracula ...... :-[
Censored ...... :-#
Smoking ...... :-i
Smoking and smiling ...... :-j
Tongue-in-cheek comments ...... :-J
Smilie with braces ...... :-[#]
Sick smilie ...... :-S
--------------
Different Eyes
--------------
Bug-eyed smilie ...... 8-)
Pirate ...... P-)
Black-eyed face ...... !-(
Smilie with glasses ...... B-)
Cyclops smilie ...... 0-)
Artistic face ...... %)
Late night messages ...... |-(
-------------
"Accessories"
-------------
Smilie with a mustache ...... :-{)
Smilie with hair ...... {:-)
Wearing a walkman ...... [:-)
Smilie with a graduation hat ...... K:-)
Smilie with a cap ...... d:-)
Smilie with a bowler hat ...... C|:-)
Smilie with a nurse hat ...... ]:-)
Smilie with a skull-cap ...... (:-)(or a bicycle helmet)
Smilie with a fur hat ...... #:-)
Smilie with hat and pom-pom ...... *<:-)(cold weather smilie)
Smilie with beard ...... :-)=
Uncle Sam ...... =|:-)=
Smilie with curly hair ...... &:-)
Smilie with wavy hair ...... @:-)
Monk / Nun ...... +<:-|
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #18 - Having a bad day?:
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day...
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #19 - The Top 16 Changes in the New "Love Boat":
16> Safe sex activists insist on mandatory condom-purchasing scene before each couple pairs off on "The No Glove, No Love Boat."
15> Newly-divorced Kathie Lee beds a different man every week while humming, "If He Could See Me Now."
14> Captain Kennedy is too drunk to notice the ship's course is from Boston to New York City and back 6 times a day.
13> For some reason, every episode is 3 hours long and involves an iceberg.
12> New crew member Weasel, the ship's Sexual Harassment Officer, kind of kills the mood.
11> "Day 47: Had to eat another passenger, but now we'll have an even number for the shuffleboard tournament tomorrow."
10> Captain Clinton French kisses each woman passenger as they board.
9> Hopes for a second season dashed when James Cameron signs on to direct 13th episode.
8> Only Hanson could turn a merely annoying TV theme song into a teeth-grinding, hair-pulling, ear-bleeding experience.
7> Wacky hijinks ensue when Purser George Michael forced to fill in for bathroom attendant.
6> Ship's Dr. Kevorkian drowns Pia Zadora in the pool, and throws Andy Griffith overboard.
5> Isaac, the Bartender replaced by Phil, the Starbucks Guy.
4> Goodbye, Dramamine. Hello, Viagra!
3> At the end of every episode: "They killed Leonardo! You bastards!!"
2> During a relapse, Julie forces Captain Stuebing to take the boat into Colombian waters.
and the Number 1 Change in the New "Love Boat"...
1> Cost-cutting results in combined character, Captain Bartender Hazelwood.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #20 - How to Clean your Mouse!:
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #21 - The Top 16 Surprises in the Final Episode of "Seinfeld":
16> 105-year-old Elaine recounts how Jerry's apartment hit an iceberg.
15> Jerry reveals to all that he, Paul Rieser and Richard Lewis are actually the same person.
14> Mulder and Scully bust in to kill Kramer, who was sent here as part of a diabolical alien plot, but he's already escaped to join the cast of "3rd Rock from the Sun."
13> Jerry wakes up next to Bob Newhart and realizes it was all just a dream.
12> *George* awakens from a long nightmare to find Bobby Ewing in his shower.
11> Bikini waxing accident leaves Elaine follically impaired (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
10> George Michael guest stars as "Master Of His Domain."
9> Jerry finally accomplishes his goal of dating every single woman in NYC. His number is then retired into the rafters with Wilt Chamberlain's.
8> Everyone watches helplessly as the Soup Nazi invades Poland.
7> George gets crushed by a falling beam at Yankee Stadium.
6> Jerry, Kramer, George and Newman compare their nude sketches of Elaine.
5> Newman goes postal -- 8 dead, 14 wounded.
4> A wacky new spin-off, "Minefield", is born when Elaine introduces the gang to her pregnant "roommate", played by the irrepressible Jodie Foster.
3> Jerry's hot new girlfriend tricks him into appearing with her on the "I'm dating a prissy, neurotic mama's boy!" episode of Jenny Jones.
2> Kramer shoots himself in the head mere moments after Jerry finally locks his front door.
and the Number 1 Surprise in the Final Episode of "Seinfeld"...
1> Special surprise appearance by Shoshanna Lowenstein's obstetrician.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #22 - A Classic Letterman Top Ten: Changes in new Star Wars:
10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner.
9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian.
8. Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas.
7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy.
6. Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin.
5. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!"
4. Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great grandfather.
3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies.
2. New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons.
1. R2D2? Gay.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #23 - Weird Laws:
Minnesota:
--It is illegal to tease skunks.
--Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
Michigan:
--A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.
--Under state law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."
--In Clawson, it is legal for a man to "sleep with his pigs, cows,
horses, goats, and chickens."
New York:
--In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
Oklahoma:
--Whale hunting is strictly forbidden.
--People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Ohio:
--In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
--In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man's picture.
--In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
Oregon:
--The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
Montana:
--In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
--It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
Nebraska:
--If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
--It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
Florida:
--Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday's will be jailed.
Georgia:
--In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
--In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.
Pennsylvania:
--"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
Rhode Island:
--Its illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Tennessee:
--It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
--In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
--In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Texas:
--The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
--It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Utah:
--A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in his presence.
Virginia:
--In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
--In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Vermont:
--It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
--It is illegal to whistle underwater.
--Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Arkansas:
--A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
California:
--In L.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
--It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Massachusetts:
--It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
--North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
--In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
Indiana:
--Monkey's are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
Illinois:
--In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.
--According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
--In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.
Now that you've read all the funny stuff here....go to the second joke page, or go home!
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Last updated 7.1.98
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