While hunting has become a popular sport in many countries, laws have to be developed to both keep the populations in balance as well as to allow for a fair fight. New Rules and Regulations also have to be legislated whenever new species become the object of the hunt. With this is mind comes new regulations.
********************************
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS
US Government Department of Fish and "WildLife"; Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder -- 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor -- 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator -- 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster -- 3 (Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut -- 2
6. Honest Attorney -- On the Endangered Species List --
(Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat -- 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner -- 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser -- 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender -- $100 BOUNTY
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #25 - Amish and an Elevator:
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #26 - Starting First Grade:
The kindergarteners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked little Johnny what he did during the summer. Little Johnny proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. Little Johnny puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Sh*t."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #27 - The Rifle's Scope:
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #28 - The Business Trip:
There were three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room.
They went up to the desk and asked for their rooms. The clerk there said that was only one room left but it had a king size bed.
The three men agreed to take it. In the middle of the night, all three woke up.
The man on the left said "I had a dream that some one was holding my dick!"
"Same here!" said the man on the right.
"Strange," said the man in the middle, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #29 - The Nudist Colony:
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look long."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #30 - Gray Hair:
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #31 - Singing Fish:
Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a *parrot* fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot *bird* to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot *fish*.
Chris: That's what *you* think! He can sing all right. The thing
is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #32 - Sunbathing:
Joan, the well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. " The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. " No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #33 - The Meaning of Girls' Names:
Alice's are sweet and innocent
Amanda's are shy
Amy's are ugly and annoying
Alicia's are ditzy
Angel's are sent from above
Ashley's are shady (sneaky)
Bernadette's are dorky
Barbara's have big boobs
Beth's are fat
Betty's are rip off's
Bertha's have big butts
Becky's are snobs
Brittany's are dull and boring
Bridget's are conceited and snobby
Billy's are big boned
Bobby's are sensual
Colleen's are shy and have fat thighs
Crystal's are annoying b**ches
Christy's are really sexy and make good girlfriends
Courtney's are tough
Christine's are whiners
Cara's are nerds
Cathy's are loud
Carey's are funny
Dorothy's are dirty
Dana's are tomboys
Dianne's are cheap
Edna's are calm, cool, and collective
Emily's are shy
Freda's are not American
Franny's (Francis's) tend to chill wit nerds
Gina's ain't playa's, they just f*ck a lot
Georgia's are southern
Gabbie's like to crawl
Holly's are w*ores w/no lives
Helene's are sl*ts who steal boyfriends
Helena's have fun
Jackie's f*ck your man when you're not looking
Janine's are cool to chill wit
Janice's like to make babies
Jamie's like long relationships
Janelle's think they're all that
Jane's never give you what you want
Jessica's know how to roll
Kelsy's are little bitches
Kimmy's are valley girls
Kalyn's are boy-crazy
Kara's are sexy and lovable
Kathy's are sneaky
Kristen's are beautiful and irrestible
Katie's are cute, but weird
Kristy's are freaks
Kelly's have big noses
Kerri's are quiet
Lauren's have big toes
Leah's are nice
Lisa's are sweet and innocent (thats what everyone thinks)
Laina's are 5'5 and built
Liza'a are ugly and think their great
Melissa's are slimy
Megan's try to act cool w/ everyone
Meghan's are liked but don't know how to walk out her front door
Mandy's are sweet and innocent
Mary's don't know who their friends are
Margaret's never shut up
Patty's like attention
Paula's love money
Rachel's are nerdy
Rose's need to get their *sses beat
Rosemary's like to drink
Stacey's are sl*ts
Selena's are 2 faced
Sarah's will f*ck anybody
Shannon's are unique
Traci's love to laugh
Tammy's are trouble makers
Vanessa's are shy
Wilma's are as big as whales
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #34 - Top 16 Signs Your Kids Have Been Watching Too Much "Jerry Springer" 4.22.98:
16> During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor and say, "Talk to the hand!"
15> Every night at the dinner table, it's the same routine: "Eat your vegetables," and the chairs go flying.
14> You've had to replace the babysitter with three burly stagehands.
13> Dinner topic: "Teenage boys who hide Playboys under their mattresses."
12> Junior's new mastery of the headlock has made him the star of his high school debate team.
11> Have evolved from playing "Doctor" to "Plastic Surgeon specializing in Male Enlargement."
10> They want to know why they only live in a house instead of a double-wide trailer.
9> At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest: your secretary/mistress.
8> Your Elvis shrine ain't been Endusted in two weeks.
7> Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one Chuck E. Cheese.
6> Your youngest has stopped calling you "Mommy" in favor of "Crack-ho."
5> Math: C-; History: D+; English: F; Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+
4> Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair over your head.
3> Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for Cabbage Patch Kids.
2> During that "little talk" with Junior, you're forced to admit that you don't know if hermaphrodites are "birds" or "bees."
...and the Number 1 Sign Your Kids Have Been Watching Too Much Jerry Springer...
1> Poor Ken just found out he hasn't been dating Barbie, but GI Joe in drag.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #35 - Microsoft vs. GM:
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #36 - Top 14 Tips to Surviving College:
14> Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13> Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
12> Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads.
11> Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
10> Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
9> If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
8> Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7> College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
6> "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
5> Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
4> Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
3> Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
2> Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology."
and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College...
1> In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your
breakfast cereal.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #37 - Top 14 Rejected Messages in "Secretaries Day" Cards:
14> Yes, I'm a scumbag, that's easy to see; So just for today, I'll let YOU harass ME!
13> Lusty whispers on the phone, a quick tryst in the car; I love the time we spend alone, but please don't tell HR.
12> Roses are red, violets are blue, If Bill gets a free pants drop, then I want one, too.
11> F yu cn rd ths, yu knw hw I fl whn I rd yr tpng; Pck up yr thngs -- Y'r frd!
10> Since you've been here, I've been inspired; Now it's time you get nekkid, before you get fired.
9> I'm sorry your job leaves you bored and unhappy; I'd pay you more money if your work weren't so crappy.
8> It should be unlawful -- Your coffee's just awful! It looks like crude oil, it's so thick. It tastes like a booger, and no cream or sugar Can keep it from making me sick.
7> No pad and no pencil, forget all that crap! It's time for "dictation" -- Come sit on my lap. 6> Here's a dollar. Go buy some decent cologne, willya?
5> Without a bra and unrestrained, You bend to make a copy; But all eyes turn the other way -- Your disk ain't all that's floppy.
4> You put the "Ass" in Administrative Assistant!
3> Here are some flowers from FTD. And a brand new Buick LTD. You're getting all these things from me, 'Cause I'm really sorry 'bout that STD.
v 2> As my male secretary, you're a fine young chap; But I'd prefer if you didn't sit in my lap.
and the Number 1 Rejected Message in a "Secretaries Day" Card...
1> No prior experience, no quizzes, no tests; The truth is I hired you just for your... smile.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #38 - 90's "Peanuts" Specials:
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the "Peanuts" gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special titled, "Why, Charlie Brown, Why?" Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the "peanuts" gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some "Peanuts" specials for the kids of the '90s?
* We could learn about v.d. in, "It burns when I urinate, Charlie Brown."
* Chuck and the little red-headed girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, "Damn straight it's your baby, Charlie Brown!"
* Is Linus gay? Find out in, "It's a different kind of love, Charlie Brown."
* See how the "Peanuts" gang deals with date rape in, "No means no, Lucy!"
* Discover a father's forbidden love in, "It's our little secret, Charlie Brown."
* Franklin speaks! The "Peanuts" gang gets a lesson in ebonics in, "Imo busta cap inyo ass, Charlie Brown!"
* What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, "Mr. Clean" in, "God called the trailer park and told me to do it, Charlie Brown."
* Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and boosting automobiles in "Blame it on the man, Charlie Brown!"
*Snoopy deals with his shortcomings after being neutered in "Why did you cut my balls off, Charlie Brown?"
*Marcy and Peppermint Patty explore their special feelings for each other in "You mow the grass, and so do we, Charlie Brown."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #39 - Funny Useless Information:
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #40 - Odd Jobs:
A wife had some odd jobs that needed doing around the house, so she asked her husband to please do them. "Harry, can you please fix the faucet..." "Harry, can you please replace the lightbulb..." etc., you get the point. And every time she asked, the husband would grumble back at her, "What, do I have 'plumber' written on my forehead?" or "What, do I have 'electrician' written on my forehead?" And so the jobs didn't get done.
But, one day, the husband came home to find that all the nagging chores had been done. "Oh, the neighbor did them," his wife explained.
"Just for free?" the husband asked.
"Oh, of course not," the wife said. "He said he'd do them, but i had to either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
"Well?" asked the husband, somewhat alarmed. "Which one did you do?"
"What, do I have 'Betty Crocker' written on my forehead?"
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #41 - The Top 16 Signs Your Windows 98 System is About to Crash:
16> The monitor is spinning, the floppy drive is spewing pea soup and the speakers are growling, "Your Mother codes blocks that fail!"
15> "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do..."
14> You learn Bill Gates' monthly check to Beelzebub was returned for insufficient postage.
13> The White House just phoned to say Al Gore is coming over to survey the damage.
12> Your Palm Pilot starts shouting "Mayday! Mayday!"
11> As the screen flickers, a Scottish voice screams, "Cap'n! She needs more RAM! She's breakin' up, Sir!"
10> Tiny hoodlum appears on the screen and offers to sell you "MS Protection" for a modest fee.
9> First time you've ever seen that "Happy Mac With A Chainsaw" icon.
8> Bill Gates climbs out of a black helicopter in your back yard and offers you a cool million to keep your big mouth shut.
7> Rumors circulate about a new virus cunningly disguised as an e-mail entitled, "AL #41 - The Top 16 Signs Your Windows 98 System is About to Crash 4.27.98"
6> That flying window screensaver just morphed into a flaming Hindenburg.
5> Knowing the procedure for vermin aboard a sinking ship, your mouse just high-tailed it into the other room.
4> That tiny iceberg icon is getting larger by the minute.
3> Your screensaver shows a little man committing suicide by sticking a screwdriver in a flying toaster.
2> Before you can install more of the Professor's coconut shell RAM, Gilligan decides to play minesweeper.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Windows 98 System is About to Crash...
1> An air bag deploys from your monitor and smacks you in the face.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #42 - Virtual Hilarity:
I work in abusy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?" said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Bumper sticker: Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat
rooms,I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do
schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to
check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered
his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list
of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson
in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your
mother,and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a
reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I
could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's
been grounded."
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #43 - Irish vs. American:
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know". You put down "Neither do I ".
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #44 - A Floral Mix-Up:
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mix-up, but rather than getting angry you should think about this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #45/46 - Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners: Parts I and II:
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #47 - Top Ten Signs the Jerry Springer Show is Staged:
10. Quirk in teleprompter has audience cheering, "Jenny, Jenny, Jenny!"
9. "APPLAUSE" sign replaced with "ATTACK" sign.
8. Each guest provided with own stunt double.
7. Instead of actually cursing, guests really "bleep" each other.
6. White trash guest coherently uses the word "nefarious."
5. Inbred throwbacks have strangely perfect teeth.
4. Irate Klansman shouts, "What's my line?" every five seconds.
3. Today's homosexual nazi bears a striking resemblance to yesterday's Jewish hooker.
2. Thrown stage furniture actually bounces off guests.
Jerry cares...He cares about ratings, anyway. We were shocked, shocked, to discover that episodes of the Jerry Springer Show may have been staged. But the Number One Sign is....
1. In the middle of sob story a guest says, "Can you please slow down the teleprompter?"
~~~~~~~~~~
AL #48 - Top Ten REAL Reasons "Ellen" was Cancelled:
10. ABC eager to fill time slot with another Tony Danza show.
9. Wouldn't accept name change to "Dharma and Ellen."
8. Lesbians are just so 1997.
7. This year, the only thing audiences want to watch people go down on is the Titanic.
6. People tuning in because of "adult content" warning were disappointed when there wasn't any.
5. She refused to "walk nasty for the Love Master."
4. Latest network strategy is to woo the lucrative religious extremist/Southern Baptist demographic.
3. Sudden realization that unattractive, unfunny lesbians are about as fun to watch as unattractive, unfunny straight people.
2. "Seinfeld" no longer around to steal show ideas from.
The plot lines were so much funnier back when they were done on "The Lucy Show," but alas Ellen is no Lucy, and Gale Gordon wasn't available as a second banana. But our Number one reason points out the most legitimate reason for the canning of "Ellen"...
1. Only place she was getting licked was in the ratings.
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Last updated 5.24.98
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