My Old Journals

NOW | 2000 | 1999 | 1998 | 1997 | 1996 | 1995 | 1994 | 1993 | 1992 | 1991 | 1990

There are also some entries from 2000 in my livejournal site.

"BACK AND STILYN"
Santiago, Chile
17/06/2000
20 years old

Well hey there!

Long time no write...yeah. I was doing a lot of things. You know, getting drunk, taking too many pills, going all mental and depressive on my family. That's all done now and I'm much better. I did miss out on a whole month. I could easily say it was about 2 months. Anyhow. Little by little I'll fill you guys in as to what's been going on.

It is 6am right now and i still haven't gone to bed. I have to go sleep...i haveee...tooo. DAMN IT!!!

Tomorrow (I will have you know) will be a very lucrative and workful day. Here's my plan, read it then giggle....why? Because if you know me then you'll know I'll never do it, i'll try but it wont get very far. Anyhow here's what i'M gonna do tomorrow:

I am going to study german for 2 hours.
I am going to draw and ink 6 comic strips. If I don't Count Kobal will murder me. I am the only one that's late and I have to have at least 6 by tomorrow so I can send them to him so he doesn't freak out. Apparently the site hasn't started because of how late i've been handing in work. Uhhhh.....i should feel guilty. Instead I'll just feel guilty, get sad and end up not drawing them...then later feeling sadder and guiltier that I'll end up eating 2 bowls of cereal.
My room!!! CLEAN IT YOU FREAK!!!!
The damned ring. I have to start getting people into the ring immediately. This girl Jamers will hopefully be helping me with that, I went to her site and I really really liked it. Let's hope things go ok.
Ask my dad to give me my fucking money, the money the darned fool owes me. yeeeeahhh....now thas how you treet yo Poppa.

That is all all from me now. I am tired and I need sleep....ssssnore. Bye

Countess Olivia

"COUNT KORN SEZ"
Vancouver, Canada
15/04/2000
25 years old

You know what pisses me off? People that are not courteous. It almost sickens me. People are too busy to open a door for someone as they are exiting a grocery store, barely able to carry their bags of groceries. Open the fucking door! Hold it open. Is it going to kill you!? When you are in a wheel chair, and find it impossible to get around, due to non-wheel chair accessible stores and buildings, I am going to walk right up to you and laugh in your face, because what comes around goes around. This does not go out to everybody. The people that it goes out to know who they are. This is one of a multitude of things that piss me off. Stay tuned for the next episode.

I have been Countess Olivia's friend for a long time, and she is the coolest, best friend of all time. Don't tell Countess Olivia this, but I have had fantasies about her before.
You knnow the kind of fantasies that I am talking about. It 's the same one everytime.
I'm sitting on the edge of the bed...
...Countess Olivia comes in, and we...
grab the house hold cleaners and do some major spring cleaning.

There, I let it all out. Just don't tell Countess Olivia. I don't know what she would think of me.

Count Korn

"Academy Awards"
Santiago, Chile
26/03/2000
19 years old

Yes, yes I am a sucker for the Academy Awards. It's tacky but exciting. It's 2:30pm and we're already tuned to E entertainment. We as in my whole family. I should also confess that I usually try and imagine I am on that red carpet being screamed at by the paparazi to pose for a pic seeing as though I am such a hot actress, hot as in good...not hot as in sexy..but that's a bonus too.

Some really skinny blonde chick and some guy are going through old Oscar highlights. By God, how could these people dress so terribly in 1991?? Actually, at the time I might have thought those dresses were pretty cool...ehemmm..yeah, so anyway.

Ok, in bold are the actors I want to win and in italics are the others I hope win in case my fave doesn't.

And the NOMINEES are:

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER
CARAVAN
EAST-WEST
SOLOMON AND GAENOR
UNDER THE SUN

DIRECTING
AMERICAN BEAUTY
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
THE INSIDER
THE SIXTH SENSE

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Toni Collette
Angelina Jolie
Catherine Keener
Samantha Morton
Chloë Sevigny

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Michael Caine
Tom Cruise
Michael Clarke Duncan
Jude Law
Haley Joel Osment

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Annette Bening
Janet McTeer
Julianne Moore
Meryl Streep
Hilary Swank

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Russell Crowe
Richard Farnsworth
Sean Penn
Kevin Spacey
Denzel Washington

BEST PICTURE
AMERICAN BEAUTY
THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
THE GREEN MILE
THE INSIDER
THE SIXTH SENSE

I have seen most of these films and to tell you the truth my chosen ones were merely chosen due to the impact they caused in me. Hopefully, the nomination will be enough for them...winning of course is a bonus to their career.

Let's hope I was right about some of them. Byee.
Countess Olivia

"I'm Angry"
Santiago, Chile
22/03/2000
19 years old

*Grunt*

Sorry ppl, I didn't write for a while due to unexplained circumstances. Well, depression had a bit to do with it, the rest is unexplainable merely because it bores me to write about it.

Life? Well, I haven't gone to University because of Orientation week. Well, normal people would call it Orientation week, us here, we's call 'em MECHON. It's a small word meaning we beat the crap out of you, take all your money, your shoes, rip your clothes, make you crawl on mud, throw water at you, throw feathers, flour and ketchup. Yeah man, really fun. What is with that?? Tradition? You have to keep up the tradition?? I think this so called tradition still exists merely because those freshmens that had to put up with it want the new freshmens to see what it was like. What is it with people and revenge, I am against those who practice MECHONEAR, it's a silly disgusting way to make freshmens feel welcome. Ok, so you guessed it, I'm a freshmen. I should be a sophmore now, to make a long story short...I have to start all over again.

Last saturday all of the, well not all but some, hosts and owners of our chatroom united at Count Defensa's house. We all saw each other for the first time. Well, I already knew Count Defensa..we had met many times in person before, but I did not know the rest of the crew. Know as in physically know. We have known each other for like 2 years now yet we had never seen each other before. It was scary and weird for me. Most, were quiet and shy. I am not a shy person, I never have been...I'm usually the annoying girl that talks too much. Yet, at this party I was so so quiet, it even annoyed me. I didn't want to talk to any of them...I was annoyed, uncomfortable and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I slept for an hour in Count Defensa's bed then went out to see what was going on, some people chatted, most sat in silence. Later we decided to go to a well known pub called HBH. My luck proceeded to strike at me as I almost gagged myself to death by the cigarette smoke. We were in a cramped area where i could not breathe. All I wanted was to go home. I got home at around 4am, I vow never to do that again.

You hate my spelling? I don't care. I am in a foul mood right now. I want to kill someone. I finally have the cool friends I've been waiting 2 years for, I want to kill them also. I want to kill my dog, my parents and my professors. Grrrrr!!!! I'm psycho.

Countess Olivia

"A Laugh"
Santiago, Chile
15/03/2000
19 years old

Hey, Whatta great day! Well, not that great but ok nonetheless. I had Composition class all morning then Aesthetics in the afternoon. I'm getting to know most of my classmates pretty well, especially Countess Tati, Count Jojo and Count Lilac. They just get my jokes, we can laugh together, we can chat... everything. Unlike Countess Baryn and Countess Golden, the chemistry is just not there. Problem is Countess Golden has a car and if she keeps on giving me lifts till Los Leones I save money on the bus (I have to take two), but, if we really start not liking each other bye bye lift. HEY!! Don't look at me like that! It's not as if you haven't used someone in all your life! We use people all the time, we just deny it most of the time. Anyhow, if you met her you'd know what I meant by "no chemistry", I noticed this goes on with everyone else who's met her...maybe it isn't chemistry, maybe she's just weird.

Our Aesthetics professor is so so old, he's about 80 and he can hardly see. Today, after watching slides, he proceeded to write on the white thinguie one uses to watch slides, you know the ones..the white ones. It's ruined now, poor guy..he's so sweet but so lost. He is a very modern 80 year old, he's already expressed his acceptance to homosexuals and he doesn't mind talking about sex. Today, for example, he made a comment on how everyday life was being explored by the anti-plato surge with philosophers, he mentioned something about a bed and how we use it to sleep and do other more interesting fun things, he then giggled. It was so cute, the guy rules.

I don't wanna go to class tomorrow. Knowing me this will depress me. But I have to sleep, the only time I can sleep is in the morning, I'm weird that way. And in the past week I've only slept around 8 hours altogether. I'm starting to halucinate out of exhaustion. Plus, tomorrow we have Color and Drawing...easy to catch up to. If it was a theory class, I would go.

Today in Aesthetics, apart from having a good laugh with the professor, Countess Tati started giggling uncontrolably. You know the ones, the school giggles, where there is total silence as the teacher speaks and you just can't help but laugh, you have to hide it so you don't get into trouble but the more you try to hide it the funnier it gets. Countess Tati had that happen to her today. She giggled for 1 hour straight, I'm not exagerating. Class was about to finish when I drew a lady with huge shoes and a tiny body on her book. She then couldn't contain herself anymore and proceeded to exploded into laughter, I had to laugh also. But, of course, no one else thought it was funny and we were shooshed by 40 people at once.

Countess Olivia

"Countess Milly is gone"
Santiago, Chile
13/03/2000
19 years old

I am very tired right now. I had a full day of drawing and art history.

Our whole class was present today for the first time. A lot of old frustrated graphic designers, some quiet types and one guy that looks like a viking. He's hot. Anyhow, we basically finished the designs for Count Rayen's web page yesterday, he was really really happy with the design...coming from him this is an honor. I look up to him a lot. I met his friend Count Kobal online, he seemed a really fun easy going fellow...fellow? Who the hell uses fellow now a days?

I saw my old drawing teacher at Uni today. He seemed pleased to see me there, he knew I hated uniacc so he was happy that I got accepted at the University of Chile. We chatted a bit when he suddenly mentions "Too bad about Countess Milly". What? What happened to Countess Milly? He looked at me seriously and told me that she died a month ago. WHAT??? Countess Milly was an old friend, we talked a lot and I always saw her work and she was really dedicated to her art. How could this strong woman possibly be dead? I couldn't believe it, not her! Apparently she got the flu, due to earlier plans she couldn't cancel her trip to Florence, she got there, contracted a seriously dangerous virus that was going around and died. She died in Florence!! I'm still in shock and I can't believe she is gone. She was so young to die.

I was invited to a party on Saturday. All of the chat hosts are gonna be there. Out of the 20 hosts and owners I only know one, Countes Defensa. Luckily it's at his house, I've been there before so it won't be so uncomfortable and/or dangerous. Lotsa licour and lotsa men...I like it. Still, I don't know whether I should go or not...we'll see.

It's really hard to be constant with a diary, especially when one is so busy. I came home, ate a light dinner..thought I would lie down a bit..next thing I know I wake up and it's dark dark outside. Today was pretty exhausting...9am till 6:30pm..ARGHHH!!! Plus, I have to study and I have some collage work to do. I should go and finish that up right now.

Ohh, I got offered a job with cyber cafe downtown. Meaning they want me to design their web page. Pretty cool, I'll get paid...just not very much. It's the experience that counts. Later on I'll be posting my Dedalos Publishing site url here so look out for that one.

Busy Busy
Sex ya later
Countess Olivia

"Crying and Fighting"
Santiago, Chile
09/03/2000
19 years old

I am worried. I am worried about everything, I am a nervous wreck. Everything makes me sick to the stomach, I cry when I watch infomercials and I can't sleep at night. Ohh c'mon! You can't tell me you've never cried watching an infomercial? You know the ones, "You can do it!" a set of self help tapes to improve the inner you. It made me sad, I also cried while watching MTV. Maybe I'm just crying because I am just dissapointed with tv in general. Who knows, all I know is that I've been ultra sensitive lately, and NO, it's not that time of the month! Grrr...

I had a class at 9am this morning, seeing as though we are in the first week and that was our first "Color" class we only had it for about 10 minutes (it's supposed to last 4 hours), Countess Bjork gave us a list of materials to bring next week and a nice cute homework to do over the weekend. The class finished at 9:23am. CRAP! Our next class was drawing and that class started at 2:30pm...and I didn't wanna go home. I did anyway and I ended up staying here...I feel awful, I can't believe I'm already skipping classes in my very first week! So, I tell myself it was just today, it won't happen again blah blah blah. It still scares me that I start skipping again like last year, no!!! I can't, end of story.

I don't wanna go to history tomorrow either, it's at 6pm and it's our first history class. Yeah, I'm not gonna go. I can think of many excuses to convince myself into not going, first day...professor won't say much, save bus money....currently too expensive, sleep sleep and sleep.

Today I had a major discussion in the chat room with a guy that goes by the name Raskolnikov. First of all the guy isn't a guy he's a 15 year old kid. Second of all I don't understand why he makes me so mad, I mean, I know why but I just don't understand why I bother with him at all. First of all, politically, I am a humanist...a lefty. I am not, however, the extreme radical type. I know raskol for a year now and I have had many discussions with him in the past, mostly to do with Pinochet. I, obviously, am against the son of a bitch, he is 100% for Pinochet. Some discussions have ended pretty badly, by this I mean we end up insulting each other and those around us who attempt to stop the discussion. This little boy has a mentality that is scary and so jaded that I wonder sometimes whether he's been through some pretty traumatic experiences in his life.

Today he started bad mouthing gays, I made a comment and he started his idiotic chauvinistic views on women. To put a long story short he basically said that women who wear mini skirts are asking to get raped, women are stupid, women are superficial. Arghhh!!! I wanted to find his adress somehow, go to his house and shoot him. What made it worse was that 3 other guys in the chatroom were agreeing with him! Is chilean culture so repressed and conservative that it allows men to think this way about women? I know this sort of mentality still exists all over the world but it hurts to be reminded of it. Maybe we need to be reminded. Who knows, all I know is that right now I am giving up on chatrooms.

Last night I was in bed, very tired, very sleepy, when dumb ol' me decides to turn on the tv. Guess what was on? OZ, I love Oz, not only do I think that the actors and the direction is amazing but the stories are so strong that after every episode I get moths in my stomach...not butterflies...moths. I watched a really really controversial episode last night and when the show finished, I turned the tv and lights off my eyes were wide open and I knew then that I would not be able to sleep. Oz is the only tv series that does this to me. Yeah I've been pretty sensitive lately, but Oz is just too amazing for me not to be impacted by it.

I'm hungry. I think I just heard the fridge calling my name...maybe he had gas again. Damn it, Mr. Fridge is full of air again. Sniff sniff...an apple will do.

Countess Olivia

"Uni"
Santiago, Chile
07/03/2000
19 years old

I slept over at Countess Nanny's house on Thursday night. Countess Britpop called me and told me to go over there so we could chat, etc. I agreed, looked at the clock and it was 9:30pm. I met up with them at the supermarket and we walked home together.

Countess Nanny was my boss when I worked at the Book Fair. I worked in the comics stand, she owns the biggest comic bookstores in all Chile and just by chance I got the job with her. I was offered to work again, this time at a new store she'll be opening in downtown santiago. I immediately said yes, now I'm not so sure.

I started University this week. The campus is amazing, full of trees. My faculty is an old primary school, old but perfect. I already love it there, all I have to do now is meet some people and be totally popular..like yeah for sure!! *giggle*. Ehhemm..anyhow.

Tomorrow I have my first serious class "Composition", it's a four hour class. Hopefully seeing as though none of us will have any materials it won't last for very long.

Recently I've been quite busy with my web pages (not this one obviously, it's gross I know). I fixed up my Spike Jonze site (orange motif) (doesn't exist anymore), my Dedalos and crazy comics site. Took a lot out of me. I just talked to Count Rayen, we're gonna work on his site from Friday till Sunday non stop. Apparently the address is going to be published in his latest issue of Rayen (his comic) and the site has to be finished before that...pressure pressure.

Do you have a journal? Wanna join my ever so small ring? Go to Chocolate Wit.

There ya go, some mindless advertising. Well I'm gonna go now, I have a class at 9am tomorrow, plus I'm gonna work-out in the morning..damn it, that means I have to get up at 6!!!! ARGHHHH!!!! AM I NUTS?? Yes...

Buh Bye
Countess Olivia

"BACK"
Santiago, Chile
28/02/2000
19 years old

I’m back! Yeahhyy!! I am as tired as all hell, we got home last night at 10:30pm, I wanted to take a shower but I was so tired I wasn’t even able to put my pyjamas on for the night, decided to take the shower this morning...still tired...*yawn*. Ok, enough about my hygene, here’s the drill.

The trip was succesful because we did arrive home safe and in time, there were, however, a couple of incidents that I wouldn’t call pleasant. Some were funny but mostly they were unpleasant.

In Johannesburg we had to leave the hotel at 8am. Dad decided to wake us up at 6am *grunt*. Because my brother and I were in a separate room from that of my parents we decided to sleep in a couple of more minutes, we were dead sleepy and didn’t feel the need to get up just yet. Suddenly the phone rings, Dad’s screaming “Where are you? Are you guys ready? Why aren’t you here with the bags yet? The taxi is here!!” WHOoops...I look at my watch, 7:51am. How can I explain this to you, let’s just say that I have never gotten dressed, brushed my teeth, cleaned up, brushed my hair, made the bags as fast as I did that morning. In that space of time Dad called about 3 times, again, screaming and asking why we weren’t out yet...ha ha ha, good ol’ Dad.

We ran out, the taxy guy was waiting. We said our goodbyes to Dad, his flight back to Mozambique was at 2 pm so he decided to stay in the hotel to kill some time, and we got on the taxi. Before the guy turned on the engine he made my mom sign some kind of form for the payment. The hotel management told us the taxi would cost 100 rands ($17) so that’s what my Mom gave him, the guy told her that the cost was in fact 150 not 100 rands. Dad was close by so we called him, he proceeded to fight with the taxi guy, then realising it was the hotel’s fault he went in to fight it out with the hotel people. In the end we were late so my Dad had to pay the 50 rands, we had no more money so if we had arrived at the airport and the guy would have told us it was 50 more...we wouldn’t have been able to pay him at all. When we left the hotel my dad was still upset, he’s certainly not going back to that hotel ever again.

We arrived at the airport on time, made check in, waited for boarding time, boarded, sat, waited. It’s a 9 hour flight so they were going to show 2 movies, both stupid. The Blue Streak or something and Runaway bride. How can they pay Julia Roberts so much money to make such dumb pathetic movies like Runaway bride and MY best friend’s wedding, those movies were an insult to anyone’s intelligence. I like Julia, I think she’s very beautiful and has potential to be a better actress if....SHE CHOSE BETTER MOVIES!!!!...Ehhmmm...yeah, so, they showed those two movies. I got bored, for a while, until the drunk guys started getting into trouble.

Would you be upset if I told you I’m too tired to continue? Yeah well, I am. Later on I may talk more about this awful trip...I hate airplanes and trips that include me being in airports for a long time waiting for an airplane that’ll take ¼ of the time we spent waiting in the fucking airport. Ok, I’m calm....grrrrr.

Countess Olivia

"MY FATHER THE CHILD"
Maputo, Mozambique
23/02/2000
19 years old

Yes, my father the child. He is giving me the silent treatment. Usually when he tries to do this he can't carry it on for longer than a day, it's been two days now. His reasons apparently are that I stay home too much, I don't go out with them, I am supposedly lazy, I am incompetent, etc. Shouldn't I be the angry one? What he's been saying isn't very nice. Sure, he must be right...after all, I am incompetent right? I am pretty useless to him now, you know, I think for myself now. Nahh, I love my Dad, but when he does these things he is impossible! I am not lazy or incompetent, he has no other way of judging me so he prefers to make me feel worse by him calling me useless, usually I'd get steamed up and scream and shout and get really pissed off. This time I surprised him by not caring, this made him angrier, so he proceeded to call me lazy. Forget it, this thing will pass.

We leave tomorrow morning so the next entry will be around the 28th or 29th of February. So tata...

I have to use the computer for a short time, or my Dad will explode if he sees me using it....I am being treated like a child here. Anyhow, sex you later.

Countess Olivia

"BBOYS"
Maputo, Mozambique
22/02/2000
19 years old

Last night I almost cried, I couldn't find my Check Your Head cd by the Beastie Boys. I always get BBoy crazy arond summer, I enjoy their music when I am in a relaxed state, not when I'm studying or stressing about other things. These guys are brilliant:

Throaty, sexy voice of a man: Our evening began in Peter Sachell's comfortable sudy in his New York town house, where the candlelight was just right, the hi-fi was in the background and the wine was delicious.
Music in the background, people laughing and chatting
Woman: What's the secret Peter?
Peter: Naturally, I'll say it's the wine.
Clink, Clink!
Woman: Hmm, it does go well with the chicken!
Man: Delicious again, Peter.

-- "Blue Nun" Beastie Boys

I love that bit. Ok, so there are exactly 2 days before I leave this place. Thursday morning we take an airplane to Johannesburg, South Africa. Dad will come with us, cool thing is we stay in JHB until Sunday so we can go out shopping and sight seeing for a while. On Sunday we leave at 10am, my Dad's flight (back to Mozambique) leaves at 2pm that same day. My brother, mother and I will be on that airplane for 10 hours (ARGHHH!!!). We arrive in Sao Paulo, Brazil and wait there for 4 hours (ARGHH!!!!), it's a 3 hour flight (GRRARGHHH!!!). We finally arrive in Santiago, Chile. I will be back in my own room, my own bed, my own computer, my own mess. I didn't think I'd miss anyone back home, I miss my friends July and George and, of course, my dog Poochie. I also miss hearing Chileans speak spanish, odd.

I have to go sweep the living room, I hate house chores. My mom is washing the clothes BY HAND!!! This is insane, what is she doing? We have no washing machine, the cleaning guy does it all, he's sick though so we have to do it now. Poor Mom, that notion is so ancient, I can't believe she's gonna wash our clothes by hand! Well, if she doesn't do it...who will? Not me, I can help her if she wants, but I am not scrubbing my brother's underwear..bleghh!

Last night Mom and Dad went out to a friend's dinner, I was invited to go but decided not to. I get bored in those places anyway so what's the point? My brother and I pigged out eating everything in the house that was sweet or semi-sweet. I stopped after I was full, but my brother kept going and going and going, GEEZ!! Where does he put it? He's not fat and he eats so much! CREEP!

Oh, they are showing Ed, Edd and Eddy. Byee...gotta go sleep.
Bye stooped.
Countess Olivia

"INSECURITY BITES"
Maputo, Mozambique
21/02/2000
19 years old

I have always considered myself a very impatient person. I have realized, now, that I can be the most patient individual for some things and extremely impatient with other things. With people I am impatient, with my drawings and paintings I am not. With my parents I am extremely impatient, with the internet I am patient. Ok, so I get all worked up when I reach a site that takes 10 minutes to load, I grumble then press the back button, I can't do it! But when it comes to searching funny on-line journals for the sake of my new web ring I can be there for hours. Last night I looked at over 50 journals, I have 1,750 to go. I doubt I'll read them all, I choose them by their titles. Ok, I'm impatient with my writing, change of subject.

There's something wrong with me. I've been reading too many journals and I got all insecure, NO!!! Damn it, this isn't the first time it happens to me. It always happens when I go to too many art galleries, instead of getting inspired by some of these so called masterpieces I end up feeling insecure and worthless, teen angst sucks, I suck too. I can't even write well, look at that, my vocabulary is non-existant. I knew this would happen if I moved into a non-english speaking country. I speak spanish all day, I write in spanish and I have to read in spanish in order to write well in spanish...spanish..SPANISH!!!

Grrrr!!! I'm still on my summer vacations so I've had the time to read my novels in english, but I can't!!! The air conditioner is in the living room, so is the tv and so is my brother. I love cartoons, I plan on making them my living some day, but I also enjoy silence now and then. With my brother around it's impossible, he doesn't understand what lower the volume means, still he watches (cartoon I hate) Courage the cowardly dog, all the dog does is scream and scream. I can't read in the living room, our supposed bedroom has nothing in it, not even beds...2 matreses (spelling damn you!). The heat here in Mozambique is unbearable, the only cool place to be in is the living room. Therefore, bedroom is out and so is everywhere else apart from the living room, brother in living room, big no no.

Noooo!!!! Countess stop it! YEs folks, finally, I now know I am mental. Enough of that, I have to get out more. When I get back to Chile there are a couple of things I am going to do religiously. First, go swimming at least three times a week, I miss it and I have to get into shape. Two, try and go to my favourite club in Santiago, "Blondie", or other places to dance and/or hang out with my friends, this, at least 2 to 3 times a month. Three, take driving lessons, I am 19 and I do not know how to drive, this is embarrasing, must take lessons, get a license and steal my Mom's car. Four, study at least 2 hours a day, 2 hours of study a day keeps the F's away, I did this last year and I got solid A's for the first time in my college attending history. Five, keep my journals and webring going. And SIX, bathe more than once a month, I smell bad, ok, that was a joke...har har har.

This girl recomended a game called dopewars on her journal, says it's addictive, wanna get it, I want it now.

I'm sick of journals. There goes my so called patience, bye bye patience.
Bye Bye
Countess Olivia

"WEBRINGS"
Maputo, Mozambique
20/02/2000
19 years old

7:08pm
I am officially a webring freak.

I have a new webring, it's called ChoColate Wit.

I have to stop using this computer in an obsessive manner.

I wanna go home.

I'm hungry.

Gonna go eat.

Be back soon.

9:53pm
My GOD! I just read the most depressing journals in my entire life, this kid is seriously sick, there is something wrong with him. Here's a bit of what he wrote:

Then one night I had enough and tried to overdose on pills again this time tripling my dose (taking 300 pills), and there they all lay upon my desk. Four piles of pills and four glasses of water perfectly within my reach.

I awoke in my room but everything was in different shades of red and I thought I was dead (I felt like I sat up out of my body, I was very light headed), this lasted only around a minute before I felt my stomach start to burn. I leaned over my bed and puked and puked for three hours into my trash can, I felt so bad...

I took almost a new look on life, I felt that I had been reborn given a second chance to follow my path by the gods who watched over me and so I shaved my head (to symbolize being reborn) which was a shock to everyone I knew as I had long brown hair to my gut for most of my life, and that I had never shaved my head before.

Though still there is the darkness inside, that can never leave...nor do I want it to, hate made me survive, evil hid me within it's embrace, pain made me see the hurt that people suffer through because their voice is not strong enough...

This kid is 18. I'm sorry, does anyone find this behaviour healthy at all? I respect that he has different views on religion, but to be practicing self-mutilation like this. What I put up is nothing compared to what this kid had written. Ok, Countess, get over it...it's just that the stuff he wrote is so full of hatred it makes you wonder what happened to this guy to make him do such things. Could he be lying? I certainly hope so, this kid scared me.

Countess Olivia

"BARBIE"
Maputo, Mozambique
19/02/2000
19 years old

What is it about February that gets the whole world of on line journalers Uninspired? I have so far gone through 25 online journals, all the latest entries are dull and somewhat annoying. It's not them, I read earlier entries that I found to be entertaining and fun, I think it's February. There is something about reading online journals that stresses me out, I don't know what. The ones I really hate are the ones where the journaler is perhaps married with children. I see myself so so far away from that concept, possibly frightened by it, that it stresses me to see people having a "wonderful"life like that. Ok, so it's not always wonderful, marriages fail, children wail, relationships go stale...I'm a poet and I know it, bleghh. But still, I usually enjoy reading diary entries that have a lot of complaining with a lot of humor and wit. Usually that of a younger generation, I can relate a lot more to those. Duhhh... could it be cuz uhmmm, I'm still quite young? *drool*.

Last nights dinner was fun. My Dad's friend Count Van Gogh did show up but without his fiance, Countess Braids. Guess what, she got malaria. Geez, that's scary stuff, she's home sick and with a fever. We asked him if he was worried, he said no, hmm caring relationship there. We had a couple of drinks before going to the restaurant, Mom had Dubounais, I had a Gin n Tonic, Dad had 2 Gin n Tonics and Count Van Gogh just had a beer. It was raining outside so we had to run to the restaurant, the restaurant is 3 blocks away so it is so not worth it to take a car, we don't have a car right now, it's in Swaziland. We left it there 2 weeks ago after our trip and had to come back via charter airplane, the floods had stuffed up all the major highways so we had no other way of getting out, I'll leave that story for another time. Anyhow, we arrived at the restaurant, ate like pigs, talked a lot, came back home and fell asleep. Seems to me that in this whole paragraph the only interesting thing I wrote was about the car, damn I bore myself.

Last night I talked with my friend Count Korn via ICQ, I told him about my online journal. He told me to be careful, we discussed it a bit. He scared me, gave this odd scenario of a guy studying all my journals, studying my life completely and taking advantage of this and using me as his plaything. Uhhmm ok, first of all I've never been the trusting type on the internet, second...doubt I'll get that much traffic to my site, enough to get a wacko in here? Forget it, if a wacko does appear, tough cookies, I'm not gonna stop because of him. I was in bed thinking about it last night, what scared me wasn't the thought of a wacko harrasing me, what scared me was the realisation that I was exposing myself fully here, still am actually. But I want to, it's like a sick need I have.

Enough about me, let's talk about my barbies. My headless barbie told me to watch out for stinky hair barbie, apparently she's been spreading rumours about legless barbie. Let's just say the rumours involve Cowboy Ken, and a can of whipped cream. Tsk tsk tsk, when will they ever learn?

Gotta go man.
Countess Olivia

"VAN GOGH"
Maputo, Mozambique
18/02/2000
19 years old

Today I decided to leave my page be and wonder around reading other online journals. It's been hard, I don't really like doing it, I like putting my entries online just not reading others. No, actually I do like to read them, when they are good. I found a couple I enjoyed and a whole bunch I found boring (what I find boring may not be boring for others, don't get all sniffy with me). I did find one that I took interest in, a guy, teen years who lives in New York was just recently told to take his online journal off because it contained depressive suicidal thoughts. The guy seemed pretty upset, he's been made to go see a shrink. Seems extremely unfair to me, plus, if he is infact depressed he's not gonna get better unless he figures it out himself. Being made to go to a shrink is wrong, it should be ones' choice. The shrink doesn't cure you, he helps you cure yourself. How the hell are you gonna cure yourself if you are being told to go there like it was some sort of detention. Arghhh, people piss me off. Wait, what if the guy is indeed suicidal, a danger to himself but still has trouble accepting he's clinically depressed? Hmm...that's a hard one. Well, I am talking about this one guy, to me he sounded a bit depressed and emotional but he wasn't really a danger to himslef, I don't think. I'm babbling, shut up

I could not sleep last night. I worked all night on my old journals, fixing them so they'd be internet friendly, and I was so overwhelmed with memories that I spent at least 2 hours in bed, lights off, thinking and remembering old times. CAST!! I have to make a cast page! Some old entries are full of names, most I can't even remember who they were. It's amazing how awful I expressed myself when I was 15 and 16, I had so many thoughts in my head that I'd try and put them all down at once, I still do it sometimes. I never recheck what I write, I'm lazy that way, so when I write I write like I think....billion things at once, sorry if it confuses you.

We're going out tonight for dinner. My dad's friend, Count Van Gogh, invited us. He's french-canadian and really nice. Dad says he looks like Van Gogh, he does...in fact he looks just like him, even the crazy looking stare is there, he's cool none the less. His fiance, Countess Braids, is coming also. She is from Zaire and she has got the funniest accent I have ever heard. Because they speak french in Zaire and obviously Count Van Gogh also speaks french both their accents shine through when they speak portuguese. Oh, forgot to tell you, here in Mozambique the offcial language is portuguese, there are other native languages but in the city only portuguese is spoken. Because we lived in Brazil for 4 years we all speak it fluently (not my brother though). We are going to THE GRECO for dinner, they have the best lasagna there...when I say best, I mean AWESOME DELICIOUS PERFECT YUMMY!!!

Crap, dad wants to use the computer.
Bye
Countess Olivia

I spent all day fixing up my old diary entries. I got extremely depressed. I have no idea why, perhaps remembering my old depressive episodes, or missing my friends. I don't know.

As always I didn't do much, used the computer all day.
One week left till we leave.
Countess Olivia

Hi! I'm an idiot! Actually, no I'm not. I'm pretty damn smart...am I? Ok, this is a perfect example of my boredom. I think I'm just really frustrated, it's not everyday that I get the urge to work on my sites, and everytime I do I don't have the tools to do it. Grrr...

Well, Dad came home yesterday all full of life. He turned to me and glared at me. He said "Well Countess Olivia, you leave for Chile this Friday." I looked at him and frowned "But dad, when I'm in Chile I won't be happy anyways...I'll just feel guilty!" He smiled and said "Are you kidding? There's only a week left till you guys leave! It would be silly to have my little girl leave now". Hmmm...ok. It was a joke! Ha..ha..ha. Ok, I'm not being fair here, he was being lovable and all, but I was dissapointed. I wanna go home NOW!!! NOTE: This is where Countess Olivia attempts to complain about something and ends up looking foolish and childish. By the way, I just realised I have been explaining all this stuff about my wanting to go home yet I haven't explained the circumstances of why I want to go home or where is home or where do I want to run away from. Here it is:

I live in Santiago, Chile. I live there with my Mom, brother and dog Poochie (don't ask). My dad works for the United nations and he is currently located in Maputo, Mozambique. My parents are not divorced or separated, they love each other very much. The reality of the situation is, my father's contract finishes in April and he'll come home then, home being Chile. Before living in Chile we used to live (all four of us) in Canberra Australia. We lived there from June 1994 till December 1997. We moved to Chile after that because Chile is where my Mother and Father were born and they were in need to get back to their roots, I however, was pretty reluctant. As we arrived in Chile my father was offered a job in Mozambique. Seeing as though we needed money to get settled in Chile my father accepted and left right away.

It's been 2 years since he's been working in Maputo, Mozambique. No drama, he's been to Chile every 4 to 6 months to come see us and we've been to Africa on our summer and winter vacations. Why do I not like it here? It has nothing to do with Africa, it's people or it's surroundings...if anything, things here are amazing and beautiful but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of traveling, I'm sick feeling unstable. It took me 2 years to finally accept living in Chile, that's a long time and I still need more time to like Chile even more. I was taken from Australia where all my friends were and dumped in a country I did not want to be in! I WANTED TO BE WITH MY FRIENDS. It's normal, I think, to have felt that. I had finally made best friends and I was taken away from them. All my life I have longed for stability and when I finallly find it in canberra I am told we have to leave. I couldn't stay on my own, I'm not Australian and it's hell to get a VISA. I think anyone with my background would look at travelling as something negative instead of what it really is, a beautiful experience.

So here I am, complaining like a little spoilt child. No, I can't take advantage of my being in Africa. I don't know how and I don't want to. This subject is much too dificult for me to deal with and to discard. I need some sort of healing time for this, and right now, tarvelling is at the bottom in my list of future plans. I do plan on doing my masters somewhere else, but there's a long time for that.

Ok, now back to my leaving Africa ordeal. I don't care anymore, a week wont hurt. Dad's planning to travel to Johannesburg, South Africa with us to spend 2 days there together. Then we take our flight to Sao Paulo, Brazil (My mom, brother and I) and Dad goes back to Maputo. This is the flight, we fly from Maputo, Mozambique to Johannesburg. We stay in JHB for a day then take the 11 hour flight to Brazil, in Brazil we wait 4 hours then take the airplane to Santiago, Chile. Dad wants to travel with us to Johannesburg.

Well, that is truly all from me.
Bye
Countess Olivia

"TRAVEL PLANS"
Maputo, Mozambique
15/02/2000
19 years old

Hey there. I am so happy Spike got nominated for an academy award.That just gets him a bit more famous than he already is.

I haven't done anything today. I did have a major discussion with my Dad last night. Why I don't enjoy coming to Africa, why I'm so passive about decision making, stuff like that. I got all defensive and almost screamed at the poor guy, he was just trying to help. See? I'm psycho! He offered for me to go back home this saturday instead of the Saturday after, like we all had planned. I asked him if he was serious, he put on a sad face and said yes...I felt soo guilty but agreed none the less. I explained to him that I wanted to go not because of him but because I don't like Mozambique. After we talked a bit more about it he didn't feel so bad and he was actually laughing when I told jokes. That's my Dad. I have no idea whether he was serious about my leaving on saturday or whether he was just trying to make me feel guilty for saying I didn't like Mozambique. If it was a ploy of guilt it certainly backfired on him because I actually agrred. I don't know, sometimes I don't get my Dad.

I got more than 80 hits in my site from last night, 1am till today, 11am. Record for me considering my site sux. Just my luck, I am about to do major changes to my site and huge multitudes of people come daily to check it out...it's obvious the hits have to do with his Oscar nomination and people's curiosity for him but it bugs me!! You might be wondering why I haven't done these changes already? My Dad's computer has like 1 gygabite or something, he already has it full with his programs. That means, right now it only holds a really tiny amount of information, meaning I can't set up my photoshop in it. Hey, seeing as though I have so much time in my hands I would have changed it already if I could.

Anyhow
See ya
Countess Olivia

Yuka yuka. Yesterday I had a fun day...sorta. I didn't do much. I watched the Ed, Edd and Eddy marathon. Nine hours of those 3 shmucks. Still, God that's a funny show. I was annoyed with my brother though, he kept on comparing me to Ed's sister...the loud bad tempered little girl. Sheesh!

I started drawing again today. I need to draw draw draw, I have to be constant about this or I'll never make it, but I am so insecure about my drawings that I end up not drawing for months. I have at least 20 short strips written for my comic strip "Stew Pot". Today I practiced drawing some of the main characters. What bugs me is not being able to find my drawing style, I don't want to be compared...I want to be diferent. Listen to me, I sound like a hopelessly lost teenager.

I HATE GEOCITIES!! It's been down all morning...grrr. I wonder whether it has anything to do with the recent major hackings taking place. I heard the big companies affected were ebay and yahoo. Yahoo bought Geocities so I figure it's because of that.

Bye
Countess Olivia

"I WANNA GO HOME!"
Maputo, Mozambique
12/02/2000
19 years old

It wouldn't be fair to say that I hate it here. I don't, in fact I quite like Africa. There is something though that bothers me, like always the heat, being stared at for being white (something I'm sure most blacks are used to in all white societies) it doesn't mean that I have no right to feel uncomfortable, I do. I WANNA GO HOME. There are many reasons for my wanting to return home:

1) The comfort of sleepig in my own bed, on a bed and not on a matress on the living room floor like I do here. 2) My computer, yes yes I am a computer nerd. I prefer my computer, all my programs are there. My Dad's laptop is so old and it takes so long to do anything in it. IT'S ANNOYING!! 3) My dog Poochie, I miss him dearly. 4) Count Rayen and Countess Britpop, I miss them a lot more than I thought I would. Well, they are my best friends. Pity they just broke up, now I'll have to meet up with them individually...crap. 5) Truth is I've gotten accustomed to my life in Chile. I never thought I would, just thinking about me liking Chile 5 months ago was a repulsive thought. Now I miss it.

If you are reading this you most probably don't know me and don't know what I've gone through. I don't know what stability is like seeing as though I have never lived in a country for longer than 4 to 3 years. My home before Santiago, Chile was Canberra, Australia. I was forced to leave due to personal reasons, my parents wanted Chile so I trailed along like a well behaved puppy. It's not an obvious form of suffering, we weren't kicked out of our homes or tortured or anything like that. I am however, pretty hurt by some aspects of my life, it's really a waste of energy to think about the "what if's" and the "why's" but I think it's pretty pointless to try and forget what my life has been like. Plus, there are a whole bunch of bonuses to my life. Think about it, in my 20 years of life I have lived in almost 10 countries, discounting the ones we visited for vacation. Who can say that about themselves? That's pretty cool I think.

Anyhow, getting back to my pointless complaining here.

6) I can't wait to get back to college. Yes I am psycho, but I miss having a routine.

Ok, now to the positive things in my life:

a) I have three new paying designing jobs.

i) Design Count Rayen's web site for his publishing house. (It publishes comics, like Vertigo)
ii) Design Countess Nannie's web site for her comic book store, I'm gonna boast here but she has the biggest chain of comic bookstores in all of Chile and she asked me to design her new web site. She needs to sell more.
iii) It isn't a job as of yet, more a favour perhaps. A friend of mine, Count Korn, is finally starting his own web designing company. I offered to draw the logo and help out when things get too hectic. He offered to pay, I refused, he got pissed off saying that in order for him to run a serious business he needs to pay his employees, no problem I answered...I wasn't gonna argue with logic..hehehe.

b) I changed University (college) to the University of Chile. It has better reputation than UNIACC (my former college) and it's public (public university education here is the best because it takes a lot of effort to get in and other factors of course).

UNIACC was crap, God did I hate that place. Here in Chile there's a lot of classism, preferences over one class to the other, in this case people with money. Bearing that in mind, UNIACC is a private university offering no scholarships so most of the students that attend it are well to do Chileans raised to believe that poor or middle class folk are useless. I'm not poor, neither am I low middle class but I am somewhat smart and non-judgemnetal. I am not prejudiced against anything, maybe I am and I dodn't know it...but when it comes to people I am not and so I found no friends in this awful institution. I couldn't agree with any of their ideologies and found myself sitting alone most of the time at lunch. I like people and I'm a pretty sociable human being, I am a GEMINI, so that was just umbearable for me. So I left.

Geez, I write too much. Don't laugh at my grammar or my spelling. Remember, in Chile I have to read solely in spanish so I've lost a bit of my practice in writing in english...see, even that sentence didn't sound right. I think that is all for now.

Tata
Countess Olivia

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