Showcasing the humor of Llanview

When it comes right down to it, everyone in Llanview gets to make their fair share of funny comments. Here are some of the best lines I could come up with, and some that other people brought to my attention. Got a comment or suggestion for this page? E-mail me at!



Dorian: (to Byrd) Watch it. I've got a taxidermist on speed dial.

Dorian: (to Todd) Such a shame you couldn't stay dead. (Debbie)

Dorian: "Oh, you don't like my dress?"
Tina: "Well, to be honest, its tacky just like you. Do you want to be that obvious?"
Dorian: "I'm afraid this is a case of the pot calling the kettle 'obvious'." (TV)

Dorian: "I think we had better take two cars."
Tori: "No way! You're riding with me where I can keep an eye on you."
Dorian: "No way am I getting in a car with you! Not even if my life depended on it, and IT DOES!!!" (TV)

Todd: Come on. You can tell me. What did you know? When did you know it? Confession is good for the soul.
Dorian: And it's not bad for the Sun's circulation either, is it? (Debbie)

Todd: Dorian, bite me.
Dorian: I would, but I haven't had my tetanus shot.

Dorian: Mel, normal people don't live on boats.
Mel: Well, Guy Armitage lived on a boat.
Dorian: And look what happened to him.

Cassie: Then you had better stick to that story, because if I ever find out that you had anything to do with what happened tonight, you will never see me or your grandson again.
Dorian: Throw in Andrew and you've got a deal.

Dorian: Cord is going to look like the kind of executive who makes his personnel decisions based on impulses from somewhere south of his belt. (Debbie)

Dorian: (seeing Viki) Oh, this is worse than I thought...I'm already dead and I've gone straight to hell.

Dorian is playing chess while being held captive by Jean in the secret room.
Dorian: (clutching the queen and the pawn) This is me and this is viki. You know, they really should have named you after a different queen-- Marie Antionette, because you keep losing your head! (Crayola)

Dorian: Well, Viki. I get accused of murder and they're selling tickets to my execution. You confess to it and they make you prom queen.

Dorian: (to Jessica) Virginity is over-revered and definitely overrated.

Dorian (to Cassie): Do I need to remind you that, if it were not for me, you and Kevin would be stuffed and mounted on the Lord library wall by now? (Debbie)

Dorian: I will tell you what I was NOT doing. I was not letting an oil painting turn me into a homicidal maniac. I was not using my own child for target practice. How does that woman do it? I mean, Viki can shoot and smother and burn her way across this town and still come off as the patron saint of psychopaths. (Debbie)

Dorian: (to Viki) When you were in therapy integrating your many personalities, why didn't you tell the small-minded, suspicious one to take a hike?

Dorian: (to Todd) Any party you're at, I'm not going to be the most despised person there.

Dorian: There's no cure for what ails Todd until they come up with a personality transplant.

Drew: The housekeeper said you were out here.
Dorian: You mean this one actually answers the door?

Kelly: I'm just very mad at you.
Dorian: You know, eventually everybody is. (Debbie)


Family Connections

Postal Worker: You cannot send human remains through the mail without a permit.
Ian: Yes, but what if he really wasn't human?)

Max: Wait a minute, what is this? Is this an emotion I see?
Ian: No, no. I've got a piece of Guy in my eye.

Bo (about Drew): Both parents are just out of the picture. And he doesn't spend that much time with his cousins anymore. So now he has one--one long, tall, loud, overbearing influence.
Nora: Asa.
Bo: Asa. (Debbie)

Nora tells Bo about Rachel's date with Track:
What's he like?
: My first impression was he was very nice--and very tall, especially when seen from the floor. (Debbie)

Dorian: You've met my niece Blair?
Joey: Yeah, she was my grandma for like five minutes.

Rachel: Trouble in Buchananland?
Drew: Yeah. I've been banished by the King himself. (Debbie)

Reporters gather outside the courtroom awaiting the outcome of Patrick's hearing:
Kevin: Marty just went flying in there with some guy I never saw before.
Todd: What's that all about?
Kevin: Well, let's just say she didn't look unhappy.
Todd: Did she say anything?
Kevin: Maybe you should ask one of those third-rate hacks that you pay. (Debbie)

Asa barges into Hank's office waving a copy of the Banner:
Asa: Bo, do you know what this is?
Bo: An interruption? (Debbie)

Rachel explains that it's time she got her own place:
I agree with everything you say.
What? No questions from the defense for the witness?
Not at this time, Your Honor. However, I do reserve the right to recall the witness for Christmas and Passover and Mother's Day and Thanksgiving. (Debbie)

Alex: (to Joey and Kevin, who are moving a couch for her) You obviously take after your big strong Grandfather.
Joey: We're adopted.

Maggie: Come on, Andrew. You never thought that me being a nun was anything but a hopeless cause--right up there with the Edsel and Saddam Hussein's Christmas album. (Debbie)

Dorian: But is it expecting a little bit too much to get some loyalty from my own daughter?
Cassie: I am loyal, Mother. I'm just not brain-dead. (Debbie)

Luna: (Showing Andy and Dylan her newly born twins) We're going to call them Tarot and Moonglow.

Dorian: Oh, Viki.
Viki: (talking to Kevin) I guess two fat lips is too much to hope for, huh?
Kevin: Just say the word and I'll deck her. (TV)

Kevin: Oh, please tell me this is a joke. Mom, you're not still trying to sway old Todd Vader here from his dark side, are you?

Hank: I didn't know that Bo was going to show up last night, let alone arrest you.
R.J.: Yeah, right. And I'm Santa Claus with a suntan. (Debbie)

Kevin: Speaking about hectic, I have a storyline that is on deadline.
Viki: When's the deadline?
Kevin: Yesterday. Don't tell the boss! (TV)

Bo: I'm not going to be able to get that missing kid out of my head.
Hank: Well, think about Nora's cooking. Now there's a crime. (Debbie)


Love Lines

Nora: Hey, big guy. You want to buy a working girl a cup of coffee?
Bo: Are you soliciting me?
Nora: Define your terms.

Nora (to Bo): When you fight, you fight fair. And when you kiss, you kiss dirty.

Bo: (To Nora) Male bonding is a lot of bull. I'll tell you what I'm interested in, a little male-female bonding.

On the Sun's article about Patrick's terrorist past:
Bo: Is this story legit?
Nora: You are just so adorable when you're trying to violate lawyer-client privileges. (Debbie)

Renee: Asa, is that a gun in your pocket?
Asa: Maybe I'm just happy to see you. (Theresa)

Kevin: (after Cassie decided to stay at the Banner) Good, smart move. You've got a plum job here and they don't grow on trees. Jobs, I mean. Not plums. (Theresa)

Andy: Why don't we meet back at your apartment and I'll cook dinner.
Antonio: What? Is that a threat? (Debbie)

Alex: We're two of a kind, Asa.
Asa: No, thanks, lady. You rattle before you walk.
Alex: You hiss before you strike. A couple of rattlers, that's us, Asa. Imagine what we could accomplish, coiled together, intertwined, so to speak?

Asa tells the court that Alex shot Carlo:
Nora: And what did you do then?
Asa: To be honest, Nora, I wanted to cheer. But then I thought, if Alex is celebrating popping off husbands, I could be next. So I got the hell out of there. (Debbie)

Asa: Well, who was it who ate the apple? It was Eve! And she handed it down to every woman after her--Tina, Viki, Blair. Bo, you better check and see if Nora has any Granny Smiths in her purse.

Asa to Max: How's it going, Cave Boy? You been dragging that poor nun around by her hair yet? (Debbie)


Law and Order

Renee: (to Asa) We have a special today...leg of lamb for the man on the lam.

Asa: (To Andy, who is trying to arrest him) Let me explain. A lawyer spends my money, you're supposed to find it.

Asa: (to guard about Alex) Hey fella, stay close! This woman's already killed one husband!

Asa (to Andy): Officer Danielson.
Andy: That's Detective Harrison.
Asa: Yeah? It's going to be Meter Maid Harrison if I don't get some satisfaction. (Debbie)

Tea (to Nora after her stalling tactics in court): I said cough, not play the last scene from Terms of Endearment. (Tricia)

Alex: You probably don't believe this, but, Hank, it's because of you that I decided to take a respite from my political career. When we last matched wits in the courtroom, I could see how burned out you were. And quite frankly, I just never want to look like that. (Debbie)

Alex (to Téa): I've rarely encountered a more brilliant legal mind than yours. With the exception of mine, of course.(Debbie)

Jackie: So we're not going to be seeing you in Atlantic City?
R.J.: Only if I get a craving for saltwater taffy. (Debbie)

Tea: You're not with a gang anymore, are you?
Linda: I'm with the police department. Does that count? (Debbie)

Hank: Commissioner, on the basis of the evidence--not a hunch, not conjecture--who would you say killed Carlo Hesser: R.J. Gannon, me, defense counsel, Mickey Mouse? (Debbie)

Kevin (to Carlo): Leave now--because I don't need a shrink to put thoughts of murder in my head. (Debbie)

Bo: Thanks for that last tip, Antonio. You were right. Carlo took some time from his busy schedule to plan for a little vengeance against Viki.
Antonio: And was Durbin involved?
Bo: Right up to his shrunken head. (Debbie)R.J. (to Hank): If your boys in blue are so inept they can't even find a lightswitch yet, how can you blame me 'cause they can't find Carlo? (Debbie)

Kevin: So, what can you tell me about the Carlo Hesser murder investigation?
Hank: Now, Kevin, pay attention. The way this works is I ask YOU the questions. (Debbie)

Nora: All right, Alex, speaking from lawyer to disbarred lawyer, out of the 4 billion people on this planet you may be able to find 12 that could be conned into thinking you're innocent, but none of them live in Llantano County.
Alex: So we'll change the trial venue.
Nora: Oh, where would you suggest? Katmandu? Alex, for a not guilty verdict your case needs more than a change in venue. It needs a change of defendant.

Nora: I didn't believe you when you told me she [Alex] made bail.
Bo: Well, the judge figured that keeping her in prison violated the other prisoners' rights. (Debbie)

Kevin: They have these shreds of a tuxedo shirt tie-dyed with blood. They think it's Carlo Hesser's blood. And my source tells me that these strips of fabric have also been tied to Antonio Vega, which means that old El Leon has just sung his last chorus of "Born Free."Kevin: (Debbie)

Alex: It's a crime.
Tea: What?
Alex: Oh, I was wondering who's going to inherit that $6 billion if Guy doesn't survive. I mean, he was going to disinherit his son who's really not a son anyway, and his wife is dead. Oh, you don't think that money's goingto go to charity, do you? Not that I begrudge the needy or anything. ... I have the worst luck with men and boats.
Tea: On the other hand, if you were in line for his inheritance, you'd also be first in line as a suspect in that bombing.
Alex: True. And two murder charges at the same time--even dismissed murder charges--might be detrimental to my political career.
Tea: Yes. Voters have their limits.



Situation Comedy

Nora: Yesterday, I was reduced to tears over the death of a fish.
Larry: Was it a friend? (Debbie)

Jessica and Darcy discuss Lorna's two dates for the prom:
Jessica: Where did she find them, anyway?
Darcy: I think I've seen them around the gym.
Jessica: Are they football players?
Darcy: Tackling dummies. (Debbie)

After a rigorous workout, Nora crawls to the front door and finds Track:
You're not a priest.
No, ma'am.
Then, please, please keep my faith in God and tell me you're a chiropractor. (Debbie)

Nora: So, did you and Hank work through some of your problems?
Bo: Oh, yeah, honey, yeah, we sure did. We had some real deep serious conversations that went along the lines of 'Hey, I think I'll have another beer. Would you pass me another beer?' And then there was that other one: 'Do you think we ought to throw this little guy back, because I think he's under the limit.' And then we got real serious and talked about should we fish with flies, plastic lures, live bait or pork rinds.

Ian: (to Guy) What was it you were always trying to bang into my head, Father? "He who fails to anticipate a sucker punch deserves the sore lip." What a marvelous illustration you've given us here today. I think I have it now. (Debbie)

After being arrested for the spat with Guy
Mel: Are you going to be able to save us from the chair?
Nora: Oh, I don't know. Perhaps--if you two could just be model prisoners for the next 20 minutes or so.
Patrick: She drives a hard bargain. (Debbie)

David: Sometimes she's lying in bed waiting for me and I just hide in the bathroom and I can't come out afraid that I wouldn't be able--
Kelly:I don't believe it. Are you saying you can't--
David: Imagine Apollo 13 without the liftoff. I hate this! I wish I could just cut it off.
Kelly: David! don't say that!
David: The conversation, Kelly. (Crayola)

Nora lets Bo believe she prepared the Rosh Hashanah dinner:
Bo: Oh, honey, you did this?
Nora: Well, nothing is too good for my family. [whispers to Rachel] I'll atone for the sin of lying at Yom Kippur. (Debbie)

Rachel: Where's Drew? I mean, he's totally missing all the fun.
Bo: Probably paying off the pizza guy.
Nora: Bo Buchanan, you ordered a pizza?
Bo: Honey, I knew you were cooking. I figured that we needed a backup.

Alex Masters: (to Bo) The kid's funny.
Eddie: Thank you. I've done theater, you know. Shakespeare.

Rachel (seeing the pizza): Now Mom, you gotta tell me what the recipe is.
Nora: There are only two ingredients, cordless phone and handsome delivery boy (Tricia)

Nora: I've done everything that they've asked me to do, even including that stupid diet with the free-range green, leafy vegetable thingy-hookies and the corregated cardboard. And I've even done those fascist exercises that they wanted me to do. I've done it all. And I feel worse than I did before!
Bo: Well, then you know it's working. (Debbie)

Hank lists the circumstancial evidence found in Patrick's apartment:
Nora: The timer, the kitchen timer--like a bake-a-cake timer? I think I've seen one of those.
Bo: Not in the kitchen, you haven't. No, not you, honey. (Debbie)

Casey: All Right. Hold it right there. Take it nice and easy and nobody gets hurt.
Antonio: I guess not.
Casey: Who are you? And don't tell me you live there because I know you don't. I'm the super: i'm half watchdog, half pit bull, and half ninja!
Andy: I think you need to work on your math.
Casey: Don't get smart with me, lady. Remember--I've got the broom.

Kelly (about Blair): Janice? She's a natural. I wish I had a mother like that. My mom, you know, was put into an institution--not that there's anything wrong with that. (Debbie)

Alex (to Patrick): If I get too afraid, I can remember that quote that you gave me from Macbeth.
Kevin: Knock, knock, who's there? (Debbie)

Nigel/Little Buckaroo (to Asa): Oh, dear. We haven't dialed Australia again, have we? Good. And might I inquire as to exactly whom Grandpapa is speaking? (Debbie)

Kelly (to Patrick): You are the most popular professor on campus, as I'm sure you know. Every girl at L.U. is dying to get into your--classes (Debbie)

Patrick: What would you like me to do?
Kelly: Nothing. Really it's very simple. Just show up wearing your clothes.
Patrick: I can certainly promise you that. (Debbie)

Nora: So, did you and Hank work through some of your problems?
Bo: Oh, yeah, honey, yeah, we sure did. We had some real deep serious conversations that went along the lines of 'Hey, I think I'll have another beer. Would you pass me another beer?' And then there was that other one: 'Do you think we ought to throw this little guy back, because I think he's under the limit.' And then we got real serious and talked about should we fish with flies, plastic lures, live bait or pork rinds.

Alex: When are we going to discuss my campaign strategy?
Hank: How about never? Does never work for you?

Asa: I'm sick and tired of playing a degenerate idiot.
Max: Why stop now? It's worked for you your whole life. (Debbie)

Alex: (about Carlo) I am one grope away from him finding out that I'm not really pregnant. (Debbie)

Patrick tells Nora about the book of Irish airs:
Nora: Oh, please. No more musical codes, please. After the last one with the Palace Hotel almost blowing up, my God, I was afraid to hum "Camptown Races" for fear something else would blow up.(Debbie)

Maggie accidentally hits Max in the face with a pie:
Andrew: Max, don't be vindictive. Remember what the Good Book says now. Don't do this.
Max: A pie for a pie? (Debbie)

Andy runs into Cassie on the Orion:
Andy: Cassie, what are you doing here?
Cassie: Reporter stuff. What are you doing here?
Andy: Cop stuff. (Debbie)

Nora: She [Alex] took off and then Andy went after her.
Bo: How long ago was that?
Nora: Oh, gosh. It was after my coughing fit and before I went into Jewish folktales. (Debbie)


Conflicting Opinions

Mel: Oh, bliss. What you do at that stove is the stuff of pure fantasy.
Carlotta: In my fantasies, what I do is never in a kitchen. (Debbie)

Hank: You're not from Llanview.
Jacara: That's right.
Hank: Philadelphia.
Jacara: Yes.
Hank: Here on business?
Jacara: Yes.
Hank: And what's your business?
Jacara: None of yours.

(Kevin holds up a bright green shirt that says "Rio" and has fish skeletons on it. Cassie starts laughing hysterically.)
Kevin: What? I think it makes a statement!
Cassie: Yeah, it says, save me from myself, don't let me go shopping again! (Theresa)

Asa: Nice to see you Manning, I always thought you were too mean to kill.
Blair (mutters): Look who's talking. (Tricia)

Téa tells Rachel about Todd's marriage proposal:
Téa: He's in San Domenico right now--taking in the sights, getting a no-muss, no-fuss divorce from Blair Manning. He expects a response when he gets back.
Rachel: Gee, what will the answer be?
Téa: I'm open to suggestions.
Rachel: Run for your life. (Debbie)

Todd: Here's a list of things I didn't get to pick up.
Zeus: What, they don't have K-Marts in Bali? (Tricia)

Alex (about Guy): Just how rich is he?
Todd: You can have a credit card in each hand and spend every minute for the rest of your life and never spend all of his money.
Alex: I love a challenge. (Debbie)

Mel: Forget the Bloody Marys. After a ball game, it's time for a beer--yeast, hops, and complex carbohydrates--nature's perfect food.
Oh, I'd love to hear you sell that line to Nora. (Debbie)

Blair: You know Tina-- Sweetie, sweetie, you've really got to get a hold on that anger. In fact, I can recommend a good therapist.
Tina: I don't need therapy. Insanity doesn't run in my family like it runs in yours.
Blair: Oh, just deprevity, huh?
Tina: Whatever we are, we know how to deal with cheap little crooks.
Blair: Oh, that's right-- You marry them (Crayola)

Ian: So, we want the big money for power, revenge, and adolescent rebellion. Have I left anything out?
Max: Yeah. I'd like some money to buy a lot of really neat stuff.

Kevin learns Todd hired Tea to defend Alex:
Kevin: Todd Manning allowed me to be accused of raping Marty Saybrooke--which he did, by the way. And Alex--she hired a costumed gunman to blow Cassie and my's brains out down in Rio.
Tea: Yeah, but aside from that, is there a problem? (Debbie)

At Carlo's Memorial service
RJ: Carlo, we really miss you. But we know that you've gone on to a better place.
Nora: Certainly, a warmer place. (Debbie)

Guy: Didn't you recently shoot your husband in a fit of passion?
Well, it wasn't actually me that shot him.
Alex, zip it. (Debbie)

Blair: Max, I've got a bone to pick with you
Max: Choke on it. (Crayola)

Ian describes the garden in Maggie's dream:
Maggie: Look, I swear to you, I have never been to New Orleans. This has to be some kind of psychic thing or something.
Max: Hold it. Before you go getting all Dionne Warwick on me here, may I point out something? You just described your garden-variety garden. (Debbie)

Fortuneteller: I see death.
Max: Oh, that's enough. You put the chicken back in the box now. (Debbie)

Asa: What with rattlers, rockslides, Hesser and his henchmen--is there anything that can kill you?
Max: Wouldn't you like to know. (Debbie)

Alex: Nora, we've known each other a long time.
Nora: That does not work FOR you, Alex. (Debbie)

Maggie, filling in at the Palace Hotel, spills Max's coffee in his lap:
Maggie: One of Renee's waiters didn't show up. She's being so nice letting me stay here for nothing, I told her I'd help her out.
Max: What? By giving free third degree burns with every cup of coffee? (Debbie)

Alex: What if Bo ripped himself out of your life completely? Well, you would be a different person. Whatever was left of you would be a new Nora, wouldn't it?
Nora: Well, I flatter myself to think that the new Nora would be as unlikely to commit homicide as the old Nora was. (Debbie)

Todd: Marrying Blair is the best thing that ever happened to me
Max: How sad (Crayola)

Kevin: Kevin's idea for a headline for the Mannings' boat party: Heartless man provides mindless entertainment for gutless citizens. I don't know which is worse, Todd bribing all of Llanview to show up at this shingdig, or Llanview showing up. (Tricia)

Asa: (About Mel) If there's one thing I can't stand, it's when a man makes a fool of himself when he's drunk.
Renee: I couldn't agree more. I prefer my fools stone cold sober. (Debbie)

Tori: "Not the light in the eyes again!"
Ben Price: "Well, at least your feeling well enough to talk back to your doctors." (TV)

Asa: WVL is a goldmine.
Guy: Well, I'm always in the market for goldmines, just so long as I'm not the one who ends up with the shaft. (Debbie)

Asa: I'm willing to sell it to you so cheap, it's almost like highway robbery.
Guy: How much should I steal it for?
Asa: $15 million.
Guy: Well, who's the thief here?

Guy: Have you ever heard of Bethnel Green?...As tough and gritty a place as you're likely to see. I was raised there just after the Blitz in World War II.
Asa: You want rough, huh? Try living your boyhood in the hills of east Texas.
Guy: I don't believe that the Luftwaffe ever dropped loads of incendiaries on Lubbock. (Debbie)


One Liners (to Live)

Asa: A cel phone is just a fancy radio. Just ask Newt Gingrinch.

Max: I'm a man, not an idiot.

Tea (about Andy): Am I wrong or is that woman a disaster magnet? (Debbie)

Patrick: James Bond with a scratch pad, that's me.

Asa: (About Alex pretending to have Carlo's child) Where is she gonna find a kid that ugly?

Kevin:(to Cassie, when he has a bad connection with Bo) Would you go get me two cans and a big string?! (Theresa)

Maggie tells Ian and Max that she doesn't want any part of her father's inheritance:
Max: Maggie, wait, wait. Just take some time to think about this. Take a Thorazine and think about this. (Debbie)

Bo: Asa has a code of ethics that would scare the fins off a shark. (Debbie)

Kelly (organizing the fashion show): No, no it needs to scream au couteur, not funeral parlour! (Tricia)

Blair (to Todd): Why do you always automatically accept anything bad someone says about me? Especially Tina, the two brain cells she has don't function on the same day, you know. (Tricia)

Mel (to Drew): Now, you repeat after me--My lip is zipped, or my tail's in jail. (Debbie)

Jessica: I am not going to the stupid prom. ... Not that this has to be the most perfect night of my life--I mean, how can it be when I'm not even goingwith Cristian?-- but I can't walk in my heels, my hair looks something out of, like, "The Young and the Restless" or something, and I don't even know my date.

Mel:(to Dorian after taking away his Martini for a cup of coffee)"Get your own conscience. I've already got a mother." (TV)

Nora: (to Track) Well, I just want you to know that ordinarily I would be absolutely grilling you before you took my daughter out, but unfortunately, Hector has done the watusi on my spine, and so we'll do it another time. And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go upstairs and--die. (Debbie)

Rachel (to Track, on herover-achieving parents): Take my mom, for instance. She's on a fitness kick. But you'd think she'd start with something simple like walking to work or skipping dessert. No, she has to turn the house into a health club--or a boot camp. (Debbie)

Nora: (to Larry) Bo and I are always very careful to eat out of the four major food groups--salt, sugar, fat and caffeine.

Nora: (cross-examining RJ) Why a bank in Brazil? That's a long way to go for an ATM machine.

Mel: You spend enough time around politicians, you start to wonder if they're carcinogenic.

Kevin (to Viki): I guess this means you're ok? You're de-Hesserized? (Tricia)

Guy: I am not a silver-spoon baby. I did not come into a fortune by an easy slide down the birth canal. (Debbie)

Asa : That's a beautiful candelabra Nora, the only thing missing is Liberace....Oh I love Jewish holidays. They have the best spread and none of it is fat-free! (Tricia)

It suddenly dawns on Dorian who the father of Blair's baby is:
Blair: Should I break into "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling"? (Debbie)

Nora (about Todd): Was that the ghost of Christmas Never? (Debbie)

Maggie: I love taking a flying leap off a clears my head.

Asa (to Todd): You must want something real bad. You're almost acting human. (Debbie)

Max (to Asa): Who died and made you Deputy Dawg? (Debbie)

Asa (to Clint and Bo): Neither one of you showed any kind of family loyalty, even the size of a shotglass. (Debbie)

Mel (about Marty and Patrick): Who are beauty and the beast? (Debbie)

Asa: Carlo Hesser has finally become a Friend of Llanview. Why? Because he died. (Debbie)

Bo: Women! First we let them vote, then we teach them poker, where does it end? (Tricia)

Marty (to Todd): This is amazing. I continue to treat you like a human being, and you continue to act like yourself. (Debbie)

Carlotta: (To Dorian about Mel) You could do a lot worse, Dorian. You have done a lot worse.

After Todd compares his criminal record to OJ's:
Winslow: Viki, perhaps you can talk some sense to the Juice over there. (Debbie)

Carlo: (to Kevin) You should be working for Oliver Stone. You see conspiracy everywhere.

Max (to Asa): You're calling me "financially challenged"? (Debbie)

Mel: As God is my witness, I'll never touch liquor again. Present company excepted. (Debbie)

Kelly: My idea of strenuous activity is putting on on eyeliner.

Nora: (to Alex) There's not a judge this side of insanity that would grant you bail. You're a bigger flight risk than Amelia Earheardt.

Maggie (to Max): It's your fault we were stranded out in the middle of nowhere in the first place. If you hadn't gotten your car checked by Mr. Badwrench, we would have made it. (Debbie)

Maggie tells Asa about her plans for Dorian's warehouse:
Asa: A circus school? Isn't your life already a three-ring circus? (Debbie)

Judge Fitzwater: (to Hank and Nora) Much as I hate to interrupt this Tracy-Hepburn revival...


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last updated 7/22/97