"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new car he bought as soon as he gets here."

"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always just be a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is 'hello.'"

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now..."

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, cuz he's my son-in-law."

The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"

The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world and the redneck began putting down the light and reaching for the baby.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Georgia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

You Might Be A Redneck If...

...you have a full, complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

...the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

...your working television sits on top of your non-working television.

...you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

...you ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

...you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

...your neighbors think you're a detective 'cause a cop always brings you home.

...a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

...you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

...you ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

...you missed your 8th grade graduation ceremony because you had jury duty.

...you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

...somebody tells you that you have something in your teeth and you take 'em out to see what it is.

A hillbilly couple gets on an airplane for the first time. After takeoff, the woman is so nervous that her mouth and throat get really dry. She asks her husband to get her a cup of water. He goes to the bathroom and returns with a cup of water. Even after drinking the whole cup of water, her throat still feels dry so she asks for a refill.

He comes back from the bathroom a few minutes later and says, "Sorry, I couldn't get your water. Some idiot is sitting on the well."