Instead of studying for the last exam of their college careers, four seniors spent the night partying in the house they had rented off campus.

The next morning they waited until the test would be almost finished, and then made their way to class. Along the way they all put grease on their hands to support the story they were going to tell their professor.

The class was almost done with the exam, when all four seniors burst into the room. They report to the professor that they had a flat tire along the way and could they please retake the test? The professor said that he was a reasonable man, so he scheduled a test date for the following week. Their plan had worked! They studied diligently for the next week, making the most of their time.

The day of the make-up came, and they were ready for anything. Each senior was placed alone in a separate classroom for the test,

The first question, worth 5 points, was easy.

The second question was worth 95 points, and it simply read, "Which tire?"

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

An older gentleman often used to go golfing by himself and would team up with anyone who was available. One day he was teamed up with a lovely blond lady. They very much enjoyed their round together and met quite often afterward for a game. Finally the gentleman decided he had fallen in love with the young lady and asked her to marry him.

She said "but you don't know anything about me. You know, I am a hooker."

He said "that's ok - just straighten out your wrist and move your thumb a little"

There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend,

"I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress."

So his friend replies, "I'll go up and ask them."

When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend. "Small world".

A guy is painting the bathroom while is wife is off somewhere running errands. When he finishes painting, he still has some paint left and decides to paint the toilet seat to match the walls. The wife returns much sooner than expected, proceeds to the bathroom, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. After much yelling, she convinces him to detach the seat from the toilet and drive her (with the seat still attached) to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the toilet seat, and they drive to the doctor's. When they get there, the man lifts his wife's coat to show the doctor their problem.

"Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," comes the medical reply, "but never framed."

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

"Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said.

"Thanks," his friend said."But, I'm still gonna miss her."

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."

Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action docudrama about famous composers, with several top stars --- Stallone, Schwarzenneger and Van Damme. The three action stars were allowed to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well", started Stallone, "I have always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite", said Van Damme. "I'll play him."

The producer was pleased. "Sounds splendid! And who do you want to portray, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach," he replied......

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intellect.

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WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them and shouting at the house, just like they were, for the person inside to give himself up. ----------------------------------------------------------

WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. ----------------------------------------------------------

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. " He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. ---------------------------------------------------------

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that:
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed
dry cleaners depressed
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!
bed makers will be debunked,
baseball players will be debased,
landscapers will be deflowered,
bulldozer operators will be degraded,
organ donors will be delivered,
software engineers will be detested,
the BVD company will be debriefed,
and musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.