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A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink.
The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."
"Is this your first time flying?"
"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."
"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"
"H-he would never l-let me do that"
"Why not?" asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."
> My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.
When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.
"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"Congratulations!" he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
> Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted,flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up... I should have never taken that job at 7-Up ...I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."
Bad Cop !!!No Donut !!!!!!!
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
"Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."
"But you have to go to school," countered his mother. "You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader.
And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the principal."
Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."
The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuses. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor,you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need surgery. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have, and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN):
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
DEATH (YOUR OWN):
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
MISCELLANEOUS:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
No questions will be accepted.
Thank you.
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