An 80 year-old woman was walking down the main street in her hometown one evening when she heard a low voice say, "Hey lady."

She looked around to see who was talking but upon seeing nobody there she shrugged it all off and continued walking. Before she got another five feet, she heard the same voice, only a little louder, say, "Hey lady!"

She once again looked around and didn't see anybody, but when she went to walk again she saw a frog sitting at her feet looking at her.

The frog then opened his mouth and said, "Could you please help me?"

The elderly woman was shocked at first but picked up the little frog and asked him what he needed. The frog proceeded to tell the woman that he was actually a handsome young prince that had been turned into a frog. All the lady had to do was to kiss the frog on the lips and he would turn back into a handsome prince, and would then be eternally grateful to the woman.

Well, the woman thought for a moment and then quietly slipped the frog into her purse. As she was walking away she quietly muttered, "At my age I'll have more fun with a talking frog."

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start - everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

Two elephants were standing in a river, when one of them sees a turtle swimming by. He immediately begins stomping on the turtle and doesn't stop until it is an unrecognizable pulp.

Having watched all of this, the second elephant walks over to the first elephant:

Second elephant: "What was that all about? That turtle wasn't doing anything to you!"

First elephant: "True. However, I used to come to this same river as a child. One day, that same turtle bit me on the trunk and caused a horrible infection. I almost had to have my trunk amputated."

Second elephant: "And how do you know that the turtle you just pulverized was the responsible one?"

First elephant: "I have turtle recall."

A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into the ground. After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, but again crashes to the ground.

The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched on a nearby branch.

Finally, the female bird says to the male bird, "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy he is adopted."

The Creation Story as told by a dog.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially The horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

A hunter shot a duck and it fell into the lake. Quickly, he commanded his dog - a dog he'd never worked before- to retrieve. The bird dog ran to the edge of the water, sniffed, then walked out onto the waters of the lake. The hunter was amazed. He shot another duck. It, too, fell into the lake. Again the dog walked out on the water to retrieve the duck before it sank. At last, the hunter thought, I have something to show that friend of mine who never lets anything get to him.

The next day the hunter suggested to his friend that they do a little duck hunting. His friend shot a duck, and it fell into the lake. The dog walked across the water to retrieve it and dropped it at the shooter's feet.

The hunter asked his friend, "What do you think of my bird dog? Did you notice anything special about him?"

"I noticed one thing: He can't swim!"

A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"

The bartender said he did.

"I'd like one, please," the pig said.

After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers. This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had. Two more pigs came in. One ordered three root beers and the other four. They too used the rest room.

When a fifth pig came in, the bartender thought he'd get cute. "Let me guess, you want five root beers."

The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would."

When he was done, he started to walk out. The bartender was confused. "Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?"

"No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. Full of fear, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter. The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive..."