THE TOP TEN KEEBLER ELF EUPHEMISMS FOR DEATH

10. Bit the big morsel
9. Failed his freshness test
8. On the cooling rack
7. Bought the Pepperidge Farm
6. Gone to aisle three
5. Creamy casket filling
4. Owl bait
3. Super-fudge-a-riffically-dead
2. Overbaked
1. Somebody get the Mini-Vac!

BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF THE YEAR - 1999

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
25. Viagra Thief Gets Stiff Sentence

THE COLLEGE FOOD CHAIN

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks to GOD

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks to Angels

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks to himself

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY

Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is GOD

Subject: An't education wonerful These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth Taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

New Age Barbie Dolls

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing . because she has taken a vow of silence.
Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.
Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.
Ripped-Off-In The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).
Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials. .-.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat", and, of course, an appetite.

New AOL Messages

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.
2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?
5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!
6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?
7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?
8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord...
9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.
11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!
12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?
13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!
14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM............ See job application enclosed!

The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support

12) "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11) "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10) "So-what are you wearing?"
09) "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
08) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
07) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
06) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
05) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
04) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.
" 03) "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
02) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...
01) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

Reasons you log onto the computer ( as if you need one)

1. You want to know the time, so you log on, rather than look at your watch.
2. All your favourite TV programs are suddenly written by inept writers, so you log on.
3. You want to know the score for the Braves game, but you appear to have mislaid the TV remote, so you log on.
4. Just in case there should be a freak blizzard in June which will last for a month, it seems prudent to get in some extra groceries you don't need, just in case, so you log on.
5. Although you're not expecting any mail, you haven't checked your mail box for 15 mins, just in case something urgent's come through, you log on.
6. As your buddy and e-mail list grows, your list of live friends decreases, you need impartial advice to rectify the situation. Jeeves is the only solution. You log on.
7. Due to continued web surfing, your friends now regard you as the font of all knowledge. You are the only one at work who not only knows the capital of Iceland, but can spell it too! You are invited down the pub for a quiz night. You find the questions unchallenging and begin to have panic attacks about the unfamiliar surroundings. The chair is uncomfortable and when somebody is speaking total bollocks, you reach for a non existent mouse to click them off. You feign death, but manage to get home. You sink into your computer chair and find it is still warm and moulds immediately to the shape of your buttocks. There IS only one solution to your plight...........you log on.
8. People say you look pale. Could it be lack of sunlight? You remember the new National Health Service website which gives a diagnosis of your symptoms. You log on.
9. You want to check if the RSI in your wrist is really caused by excessive mouse and keyboard use. Just to be on the safe side, you decide to check the Doctors diagnosis. You log on.
10. There is a power cut in you area. Panic grips as the monitor turns a deathly shade of grey. You reach for your battery powered lap top.........You log on.