Chapter 40:Scout Trek
Captain Serena Tsukino (Kirk) Lieutenant Commander Amy "Smarty" Anderson (Scotty)
Commander Darrien (Spock) Yeoman Raye (Yeoman Rand)
Lieutenant Lita Nelson (Sulu) Dr. Oksua (Dr McCoy)
Lieutenant Mike "Checkitout" Leslie (Chekov) Redshirt Rick (Dead Security Guard)
Lieutenant Umina (Uhura) Redshirt Steve (Another Dead Security Guard)
Commander D'V' Patterson (Romulan) Sub Commander Greg (Romulan)
Space, it's way out there.
These are the voyages of the Starship Emperyeum.
It's mission...to explore different worlds.
And seek out odd looking aliens and their civilizations.
To boldly go where some guy went before, but forgot to write down what he
saw!
The Starship Emperyeum glided through space, it's grey hull covered with lights. On it's bridge, Captain Serena Tsukino sat in the command chair supervising the ship's operations. At the Helm was Lita Nelson. At Navigation, Mike "Checkitout" Leslie. The science officer, standing behind her, was Darrien. His last name was unpronouncable. The communications officer, Umina sat in her chair taking phone calls. The Chief Engineer, Amy Anderson all known as "Smarty" sat at one of her stations being careful not to break any of the laws of physics. And last, but not least, Yeoman Raye, with her black hair wrapped up in a buzz extending a good foot off her head, stood holding a pot of coffee next to Serena.
How did I ever get this job? She thought.
"Captain, we've got an incoming transmission from HQ," Umina said.
"What's it say?" Serena asked.
"We're to proceed to sector 33 to investigate the destruction of an outpost," Umina said.
"Oh...great, one of those," Serena muttered. "Do you know how many outposts we've lost this month. I hate investigating those, there's always a bunch of angry aliens and they do all this stuff with their minds, and I can't sleep and things just keep going wrong, Darrien..tell me we don't have to go," Serena said.
"Captain, we have no choice. It is only logical to follow orders," Darrien said.
"Jeez...ever since you started reading those philosophy books you haven't shut up about that logic," Serena said. "Where's my coffee?"
"Right here," Raye said.
"Good, I need coffee," Serena said and drank the whole pot.
"Oh..no..you know what happens when she does that?" Lita whispered to Mike. Mike nodded warily.
"Set.....course.......for....sect....or...33!" Serena shouted in a broken up sentence making numerous movements with her hands and bobbing up and down.
"That coffee really drives her nuts," Mina muttered.
"Course plotted," Mike said.
"En.....................gage!" Serena said sticking her finger out towards
the screen and then falling forward. The ship shot into light speed.
Hours later.
"We've arrived in sector 33 Captain," Lita reported.
"Sensors indicate there is nothing out of the ordinary," Darrien said.
"Is the outpost still there?" Serena asked, having recovered from her coffee.
"Yes...and I'm picking up numerous life signs," Darrien said.
"Life signs?" Raye said in fright.
"Yeoman, that probably means the outposts inhabitants are still alive," Darrien said condescendingly.
"Oh....sorry...just my nerves," Raye said. What is going on? She wondered.
"Okay....hail them," Serena said.
"No response," Umina said after trying.
"Hmm....then...I need more coffee," Serena said. Raye handed another pot to her.
"We......mussst...prepare tobeamdowntothe outpost," she said once again in her coffee phase.
"A logical idea," Darrien said.
"Darrien, comewithme....Smarty...you have the bridge..." Serena said.
"Aye Captain," Amy said.
"Umina...call......the doctor..and tell....him...to meetus...in..transport
room three," Serena said with plenty of arm movement and she and Darrien headed
for the turbolifter.
When they arrived in the transport room, they found two red shirted security guards with white bullseyes painted on their chests waiting. Doctor Oksua was in the corner complaining to the wall.
"Look at you....you lazy wall. You just stand there all day," Oksua muttered.
"Doctor," Serena said.
"Dangit, I'm a doctor, not a transport....taking...person," Oksua muttered.
"Then stay here," Serena said.
"Fine, I will," Oksua said and looked back at the wall. "And another thing..." he began.
"Fascinating," Darrien muttered as he and Serena got into the transport area.
"Oh..so, you're the two targets..ahem....guards for this mission?" Serena asked.
"You bet we are," Rick Fujimori and Steve Carlin replied.
Suckers. Serena thought.
"Okay...I think I've got this figured out," transport chief Melvin said
placing two jumper cables on the transport controls. The machine reved up and
flashed, and the four disapeared.
They appeared in the center of a room. Immediately, the all drew their laser pistols only to discover they had arrived at a dinner party of some kind.
"Who are you?" a woman's voice asked. Serena turned to see a girl in a dress uniform standing there amidst the rest of the outpost's personell.
"I'm Captain....Serena....Tsukino," Serena stammered, still feeling the effects of the coffee.
"Of...the...Starship Empereyeum."
"We lost contact with this outpost two days ago and came to investigate," Darrien said.
"Oh...that..our stupid antenna's on the fritz again. Glad you came by, we just need to have it fixed, by the way I'm Molly, I run the station," the girl said.
"What's going on here anyway?" Fujimori asked.
"Oh..this...we're just having a party. We have one every night because we know eventually some alien being will come along and probably blow us up. It's our own version of Carpe Diem," Molly said.
"Interesting logic," Darrien said.
"Then..I guess...we'll be going," Serena said and pulled out her hand
telephone. "Empereyeum. Everything's all clear. Four to beam up."
And the four soon arrived back on the ship.
"Yes! We survived a mission!" Rick shouted happily.
"We're the men!" Steve replied.
"They have to die sooner or later," Serena muttered to Darrien.
"A logical presumption," Darrien replied.
"Captain's log, stardate, 11.11.11. How about that? Anyway, with are mission completed, we are now on course for Burger Hut, for some food and shoreleave. My crew is looking forward to it and so am I.. I love cheeseburgers!" Serena said.
"So....I was thinking...right...if you could catch a fart inside a container...you might be able to use it as a powerful weapon later," Mike said.
"That's disgusting," Lita said.
"Besides, you can't break the laws of physics. Farts can't be contained," Amy said.
"No matter how much you try, yes..I know," Mike muttered.
"Fascinating discussion," Darrien said.
"You think so huh?" Yeoman Raye muttered.
"Burger Hut has come into sensor range," Mike reported.
"On screen," Serena said.
The outer space restaurant popped onto the screen.
"Ahh....paradise," Serena said.
"Captain, I'm picking an unidentified ship up on the sensors," Darrien said.
"Red Alert!" Serena said. "Coffee!"
Raye handed some to here. Serena drank it.
"We...must...find...out...what.....kindofshipthatis," Serena said.
"It appears to be Roman," Darrien said.
"Those stinkin romans," Mike muttered.
"They're hailing us sir," Umina said.
"On screen," Serena said. The evil looking face of Patterson, wearing a pair of fake elf ears, appeared. Beside him was Greg, similarly dressed.
"I am Subcommander D'V'Patterson of the Roman Star Empire," he said.
"They've got one planet, and a couple of trading posts in Canada," Mike muttered.
"I am...Captain....Serena..Tsukino of the Starship Empereyeum. Why have you entered our space?" Serena said.
"We're just here for some fast food," Greg said.
"Yes...that is exactly is," Patterson said. "Fast food. This message ends."
And he disapeared.
"I don't trust him," Amy said.
"Yeah...he's hiding something," Lita said.
"Isn't he always?" Raye asked.
"But we haven't met him before?" Lita asked.
"Well I meant...aren't they always..ahem.I don't know why I just said he," Raye said.
"That's why you're the yeoman," Serena muttered.
Leaving Melvin in charge of the ship, the entire senior staff, including the redshirts Steve, and Rick, went into Burger Hut. They noticed a group of Romans sitting in the corner eating as well. Patterson and Greg were among them.
"There are those romans," Lita said suspisciously.
"They seem to be innocent enough," Raye said.
"Appearances can be decieving," Darrien said.
"What's the deal are you guys going to shoot down everything I say?" Raye muttered.
"That's our job," Serena said.
It didn't take long for the crew to get their order and sit down and start eating.
"So..I said to the Goncling, I said...hey...it is a good day to dye your hair.....you're going a bit grey," Mike said.
"Then what happened?" Lita asked.
"Well..that scar on my chest didn't come from a boating accident," Mike replied.
"I didn't know you had a scar on your chest," Lita replied. "I mean...who here has actually seen your chest?"
"Oh..that's right...well..let me show you," Mike said. Rick and Steve drew their weapons.
"Don't do it," they said.
"Okay.....sure...no problem," Mike said and backed off.
"Isn't this romantic Darrien?" Serena asked.
"What?" Darrien asked.
"Woah..sorry...my mind drifted for a moment," Serena said. "I meant to say..what do you think those Romans are up too?"
"I don't know. So far they have done nothing, but eat their food and throw potato chips at each other, most illogical," Darrien said.
"Hey...wait a minute. One of them just pocketed a packet of ketchup," Raye said.
"There's another one," Amy noticed. "The beasties," She added in a scottish accent.
"What was that?" Serena asked.
"I'm practicing my accents," Amy said.
"That explains why you had that ridiculous austrailian voice last week, and kept going ey mate!"Mike muttered.
"Mike, that was you," Lita said.
"Oh...well....can you tell me where the naval base is?" he asked.
"No," the rest of the table shouted.
"We'd better go deal with those Romans."
The perfect crime. Patterson thought.
"Hold it!" Serena said as her crew walked up to them.
"We are doing nothing wrong," Patterson said.
"We saw you stealing those packets of ketchup," Serena said.
"You lie!" Patterson replied. "This is just an attempt by you to break the treaty our two sides have forged which has kept us at peace...give or take a decade or two, for twenty years," Patterson said.
"My bicorder is picking up ketchup in their pockets," Darrien said using one of his devices.
"By stealing those packets you've broken the treaty between us, now we will be forced to respond with gradtuitous violence," Serena said and for some reason, some fight music came through the speaker system. Suddenly the two sides just began to brawl. Hamburgers flew everywhere. The two sides punched and kicked each other. Then in a flash the Roman's disapeared.
"They must have gone back to their ship," Serena said.
"Hey! We survived again!" Steve shouted happily.
"Yes! We're the men!" Rick said. Then the two collapsed.
"They're dead....Serena," Dr. Oksua said examining them.
"How?" Serena asked.
"E.Coli apparently. Their burgers were undercooked," Oksua said.
"Oh..too bad," Serena said. "To the Empereyeum!"
They hurried back aboard the ship and took off in pursuit of the Romans, who were already racing away.
"Hey, they've got expired liscense plates too," Lita noticed looking at her scanner.
"And look at that tailpipe. That can't meet emissions standards," Mike said.
"Now..they're in real trouble," Serena said. "Open a channel."
"Channel open," Umina said.
"Roman vessel. Surrender now. You will face a fine of up to one thousand dollars and a maximum of 30 days in jail, but if you resist, that will go up," Serena said.
"Romans never take prisioners," Patterson replied.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Serena muttered.
"It's the only bad boy saying I know," Patterson replied. "If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you will get. Hey! There's another one."
"Good work sir," Greg said.
"Prepare for combat!" he said and the screen flickered off.
"The roman ship is turning," Lita said.
"Fire the weapons," Serena said.
"Here goes," Lita said. She fired the weapons, the tazers and proton torpedoes flew at the roman ship, which stood there and then suddenly disapeared.
"They've got a hiding device!" Mike shouted.
"We'll never find them now," Raye moaned.
"Not necessarily," Darrien said.
"Oh...not again," Raye muttered. "Stop contradicting me!" She said and kicked him in the head. He fell to the ground knocked out.
"Raye! Now he can't tell us what to do," Serena said.
"Aw...geez....he probably was just going to tell you to invert the phase inducers to emit an electromagnetic pulse which will make the ship visible for a brief time in which you can target it with the weapons," Raye said.
"And a minute ago you said we wouldn't find them," Serena muttered.
"I was just playing along. How stupid do you think I am?"
Serena rolled her eyes.
"We'd better move quickly," Lita said.
"Amy, can you do it?" Serena asked.
"Sure, I can....but...she can't take much more," Amy said.
"Much more of what?" Serena asked.
"Um....nothing," Amy muttered and began to make the modifications.
"Heh heh, now we'll just sneak in behind them," Patterson said.
"It's ready," Amy said.
"Emit the pulse!" Serena shouted.
A wave of energy flew out from the ship and around space. It happened to fly right through the Roman ship.
"We're visible," Greg shouted.
"What?" Patterson said.
"Fire!" Serena shouted. The empereyeum fired and hit the Roman ship hard. It slowed to a stop and it's lights began to flicker.
"Direct hit!" Lita shouted.
"We've been crippled. All the systems are down. What do we do?" Greg asked.
"Ehh....let's self destruct!" Patterson said.
"What?"
"Oh come. On...everybody's doing it."
"They are not," Greg said as the Roman ship exploded.
"Captain's log, 11, 12, 11. Well..we blew up another enemy ship, killed off a couple more redshirts and made the galaxy once again safe for fast food joints and their small packets of ketchup," Serena said.
"You know, it's at times like this that I wonder whether we're really doing the right thing," Dr. Oksua said.
"Why is that crossbones?" Serena asked.
"Don't know? In fact...that line doesn't fit at all into this, I'm going to bathroom," Dr. Oksua muttered and walked off.
"Well..we did learn some things...." Serena said.
"Like how it's important to cook your food properly," Lita said.
"And how if you were a red shirt that works for security.. Well...you're gonna go someday," Mike said.
"And I learned that Darrien has a glass jaw," Raye said with a smile, before crumpling to the ground.
"And I learned that when I pinch Raye's neck, she falls to the ground," Darrien said.
"But you knew that before. It's the Darrien Neck Pinch," Serena said.
"Then I learned that I would be low enough to attack a girl," Darrien said.
"And I learned that interphasic molecular theory, while promising, really can't replace the standard theories in the strucutral hierarchy of astrophysical science at this point, and that more research is necessary," Amy said.
"And I learned that telemarketers are the most annoying people ever!" Umina shouted. "All day they've been calling. No! I don't want a preapproved gold card!"
"Woah...we'd better get going," Serena said. "Set course..for wherever we're going and engage light speed."
And the Emperyeum shot off into space yet again.
CHAPTER 38.5:NEXUS CHAPTER 39:PROJECT RAYE-KO
CHAPTER 40:SCOUT TREK CHAPTER 41:THE S-FILES
CHAPTER 42:NEW EMPEREYEUM TANK COPS CHAPTER 43:SAILORTRON
CHAPTER 44:NEO GEO EVANGELIST CHAPTER 45:SHIELDS, DARRIEN SHIELDS
CHAPTER 46:SAILOR MOTOCROSS CHAPTER 47:RUROUNI MELVIN
CHAPTER 48:LABORPATS CHAPTER
49:SERENAFELD