Chapter 45:Darrien Shields 00
<If you know about James Bond, their names are pretty self explanatory. I'll clarify where it isn't.>
Darrien Shields 00 Serena (The James Bond girl)
Mollypenny (Darrien's Secretary) Stevez (Jawz)
N, <Raye> (The head agent.) Odd Rick (Odd Job)
Dee Vee Patterson (Blowfeldt) Green Thumb <Mike> (Goldfinger)
HQ, <Amy> (The spy techperson Lita Nelsonova (Russian Agent of Course)
Mina (Cia Agent)
"The name's Shields, Darrien Shields," Darrien said in his tuxedo as he sat down at the restaurant table.
"Will you please pass the jelly?" the southern hick sitting next to him replied.
"Um...sure," Darrien said.
And suddenly, a small group of Russian soldiers jumped through the window of the restaurant. Darrien stood up and ran across the tables. The Russians followed, firing off their assault rifles as they did so. Darrien jumped onto a chandelier and swung, propelling himself across the room and towards the door. Several soldiers ran towards him. He noticed a vase of roses. He got an idea. With great care he pulled the roses out of the vase, and holding them in his right hand...picked up the vase with his left hand and threw it at the soldiers. It hit one of them and the others just stopped and started shooting at him. He dumped the roses on the floor and dashed out the door to his waiting car. Jumping inside he started the engine and sped down the street. Meanwhile, as always happens, several cars filled with angry evil men followed.
Through the streets of Tokyo they sped. Darrien along the way engaged several of his gadgets, inside the car.
He pressed a button marked. "Oil slick."
Oil spewed from the back of the car. Several trucks sped into it and spun off the road. More followed. Darrien pressed a button marked "Missiles."
Missiles shot out of the back of the car and blew up several more trucks. Still a few more followed. So he pressed a button marked "Moon Sceptre."
And a moon sceptre appeared out of the back of the car and took care of the rest of the trucks.
"What a handy gadget that is," Darrien said and drove off.
He arrived at My-6 headquarters soon afterward. He walked into an office and threw his top hat across it and hit a hat rack, knocking it into the floor.
"Never had that happen before," he said.
"You never had a hat before," the secretary sitting at her desk, Mollypenny said.
"Heh, so I didn't. Is N waiting for me?"
"Of course, Darrien...maybe someday we can go out," Mollypenny said. Darrien winked.
Yeah right. He thought and walked in the door to N's office. N the head of My-6, formerly known as Raye Hino looked up from her desk and frowned.
"About time you got here double 0," She said.
"I took my time, you know how I'd hate to say I was rush'n," Darrien said and grinned.
"Never mind that...Dee Vee Patterson is trying to take over the world again."
"Patterson! That jerk! You mean SPECTRA is at it again."
"Yes. The Special Committee To Raise Anarchy," Raye said. "Stop at HQ branch and pick up some stuff and then get to Germany immediately."
"And do what?"
"Find Patterson. We've know he's there."
"Oh...how'd you find that out?"
"Well...he was taunting us by phone...but he was calling collect, so we just traced it."
"Oh..okay. Well I'll go then," Darrien said.
"Now try and pay attention double 0," Major Amy Anderson, also know as HQ, said as Darrien walked into her development room.
"Try not to break anything, these are very expensive to build you know," Amy said.
"Oh...of course," Darrien said.
"I know I'm not going to get this back in one piece..I just know it."
"Well...I maybe able to bring back one piece, but it'll probably only be of part of it."
"Ehh... anyway..here is your watch. It has a laser torch inside of it as well as a grenade launcher."
"Ah...but will it give me mountain time?" Darrien asked.
HQ just glanced at him and frowned.
"There is a few other things you need to know about the watch before you go,"
she said.
When Darrien arrived at the hotel in Germany he was tired, but also into it. He loved his work. He opened the door and half expected a thug to jump out of nowhere and attack him. That usually happened on these kind of trips. Instead, when he arrived, he found an attractive young girl sitting on the bed.
"Well...hello there," Darrien said with a grin.
"Hi," the girl said.
"Hmm..this is pretty easy. I mean usually the girls don't show up this quickly," Darrien said.
"I'm an exception," The girl said. "The name's Serena."
"Shields, Darrien Shields."
"You have three names, cool," Serena said.
"No, my name's Darrien Shields."
"Well then where did the extra Shields come from?"
"It's just a thing I do."
"Oh...okay," Serena said.
And suddenly out of a closet a thug jumped.
"Ah..I've been expecting you," Darrien said.
"That's my line," the thug said before Darrien kicked him and chopped across the neck. The thug crumpled to the ground.
"Who was he?" Serena asked.
"Probably sent from my opponent," Darrien said.
"Mr. Patterson must know you're here," Serena said and then covered her mouth. Oops.
"What? You must be working with him!" Darrien said.
"I'm just an intern! Summer employment! You gotta believe me," Serena said.
"Well...maybe you can help me. Where's his headquarters?" Darrien asked.
"Oh..you want the old factory," Serena said.
"Which old factory?"
"The old factory. Listen I'll give you an address."
Soon Darrien was pulling up to an abandoned factory in his car. He walked out and noticed the sign.
"The Old Factory Incorporated," it said.
"I can't believe this," Darrien muttered and walked towards the factory door. It was locked. He pulled out his watch and pressed a button. The door exploded.
"Whoops, wrong button meant to use the laser torch," he muttered and stepped inside. The room was dark. He looked for a light. But before he could find one he was grabbed and thrown forward. The lights came on. He was surrounded by paramilitary soldiers and immediately across from him stood several figures he recognized.
"Patterson!" he shouted.
"Yes...double 0, it looks like once again you've stumbled into my clutches," Patterson said. There Patterson was holding his white cat and grinning. He noticed that Serena was standing with the group.
"I thought she was just an intern," Darrien said.
"Oh...she is," Patterson said with a sly grin. "I believe you've met my troops," he said and motioned to the three people standing next to him.
"There's Stevez," Patterson said motioning to the blonde who flashed his set of teeth revealing that they were.....very clean.
"What happened to the metal ones?" Darrien asked.
"I found a better dentist," Stevez said.
"And then of course there's Odd Rick," Patterson said motioning to Rick.
"He doesn't look so tough," Darrien said.
Rick began laughing loudly and picked up the derby hat from his head and threw it across the room. Only to have it bounce off the wall and fall to the ground. He stopped laughing abruptly.
"You put on the wrong hat again didn't you, you idiot?" Patterson asked. Rick shrugged.
"And finally..." Patterson said and sighed. "Here's Mike..."
"They call me, Greenthumb!" Mike said sticking his thumb into the air.
"It looks the normal color to me," Darrien said.
"No, see...I'm just good with plants, and...I like...to stick...my thumb into the air..." Mike said.
"We also call him Butterfingers, because he catches like a girl," Rick said.
The room began laughing.
"Hey!" Serena said.
"So...what do you intend to do with me Patterson," Darrien said dramatically. "What fiendish plot could you have in store for me this time?"
"Ehh...I thought I'd just shoot you...this whole putting you in a room and expecting you to die plan never seems to work out," Patterson said.
"Wait..I've got a better idea," Greenthumb said.
And soon Darrien had been manacled to a table and a laser was inching towards him.
"Not this again," Darrien muttered. "Come on guys, this has not only been used once in the movie we're parodying, it's also been used in twenty parodies already."
"Ah...you'd think so wouldn't you?" Mike said.
"So would I?" Patterson muttered.
"But..this has a twist," Mike said.
"Does it?" Patterson asked.
"Yes...see...look...." he said and pressed a button. Another light shot out from the laser.
"Two lasers!" Mike said.
"Oooo..." the henchmen all said.
"That's pathetic," Darrien said.
"It doesn't matter Mr. Shields you will soon be dead," Patterson said.
"Wait! You haven't told me your plan!" Darrien said.
"Oh..that's right..wait a minute. Every time I tell you my plan you foil it," Patterson said.
"I promise I won't this time," Darrien said.
"Oh....all right," Patterson said. "Stop the machine while I tell him."
And the machine was shut off.
"You see, the deal is that we've been stealing grain from various countries..." Patterson said.
"Right, that's what tipped us off that you were up to something," Darrien said.
"Well you see..what we're doing is feeding this grain to a group of cows on several secret farms all over the world."
"And what will that do? Turn them into some sort of super cows?" Serena asked.
"Perhaps the grain is poisoned. You're going to poision the world!" Darrien said.
"I am not! The grain just makes the cows fatter!" Patterson shouted.
"So?" Darrien asked.
"So we have more to meat to sell, we'll make a huge profit," Patterson said.
"So all this operation, these thugs, everything, is just to steal grain to fatten up some cows! You've gotta be kidding. This is hardly worth my time and effort," Darrien said.
"Then go then if you're going to be that way," Patterson said and relased him.
"I think I will," Darrien muttered and walked off.
"Hey!" Patterson and everyone else in the room shouted and raced after him.
"Uh oh," Darrien said and hurried to his car. To his shock he found it on fire.
"Well..that's just great. I should have parked somewhere well lit," he muttered. "Stupid urban crime!"
"Get in!" Came a call. A car had sped up near him. At it's wheel was a very attractive young woman with brown hair, part of it arranged into a pony tail. With the massive forces of SPECTRA at his heels, he didn't think twice. Darrien jumped into the car and it sped off.
"Well that's just great," Patterson muttered.
"Who are you?" Darrien asked.
"No thank you?" the girl replied with a russian accent.
"Uh..thank you....now..."
"I am Lita Nelsonova, KGB," she said.
"But the KGB doesn't exist anymore?"
"That's what you think," Lita replied. "I've been following you. What an idiot you are? Just walking in there...jeez...."
"Sorry, my methods don't suit you," Darrien said.
"So, did you find anything else?"
"Only the whole SPECTRA plan," Darrien said.
"Oh..very nice. So what is it?" Lita asked.
Darrien told her.
"Liar," Lita said.
"I'm not, it's stupid, but that's what Patterson said they were doing."
"Hmm...well then...I guess I'll have to stop him," Lita said.
"You?" Darrien asked.
"Me. I'll drop you off at your hotel, but that's it," Lita said. "Then we part company."
"Don't you want to get to know me better?"
"Not really," Lita said.
"Oh....never had that happen before," Darrien muttered.
The next day...Darrien found himself meeting with an old friend.
"Hey, Darrien, it's me, good old Mina," Mina said.
"Ahh..Mina, you've changed your hair again haven't you? You always look different."
"You know me, CIA work sometimes gets me to wanna change my look."
"So..what do we know about Patterson?"
"Hmm...he's evil."
"I know that!"
"Oh...well..then...what you're going to have to do is sneak into his HQ."
"I know that too."
"Oh...okay...well..you see...we've located his base on a tropical island," Mina said.
"They're always there," Darrien said.
"Yes...they are. What we're going to do is fly you in and then...well..you do your thing."
"Like always."
Soon he was parachuting down towards Patterson's hideout, a large castle like fortress sitting by a volcano. He landed on the roof. A guard was pacing back and forth. Darrien nailed him with a karate chop. He walked to a door and opened it. He found himself looking at a sign.
"If you're a secret agent...you picked the wrong door," it said.
"Ahh..." Darrien said and moved on. He soon found another door and pulled it open. It lead to a hallway. He walked in. The door slammed shut. He kept going and entered a large chamber. Odd Rick walked in and threw his hat. Darrien tried to fire his revolver, but had the hat knock the gun out of his hand. The hat flew back and landed in Odd Rick's hand. He shouted.
"Dang it..I caught the blade end..." he muttered.
"Heh heh!" Darrien shouted and kicked him in the head. Odd Rick fell to the
ground and Darrien moved on through the door.
In the next room was Serena lying on a bed.
"Oh..Darrien..I'm sorry about last night....let me help you now....I mean it," She said.
"Hmm....are you sure?" Darrien asked.
"Of course I am," Serena said.
"Then why is Stevez sneaking up behind me," Darrien muttered and kicked Stevez in the groin. The big guy fell to the ground.
"Oldest trick in the book," Darrien said.
"I had no idea....what was he doing there?" Serena said trying to sound surprised.
"Hmm...I don't think so," Darrien said.
After he had finished binding and gagging Serena, he heard the door swish open and in stepped Greenthumb.
"Hi ya," he said.
"Okay..let's fight," Darrien said.
"Oh..no...I'm here to defect."
"Sorry, no defections are allowed. I don't have the time."
"Oh..I see...well then I'll be in the next room waiting for you...then," Mike said and walked back through the door. Darrien followed.
Greenthumb stood there beside him was a small army of troops.
"Hmm..you should have let me defect," he said.
"Ehh..." Darrien said. A rose flew through the air and stuck into the ground.
"What the..." everyone in the room said and looked up to see standing on a catwalk above was Lita.
"Roses, are cheap, but very effective Soviet weapons," She said and jumped down beside Darrien.
"Fancy meeting you here," Lita said.
"Uh..yeah..." Darrien said.
"Well 00, how are you going to stop all of us, even with your friend?" Mike asked.
"With this!" Darrien shouted and pressed a button on his watch. A second later, several pellets shot out from the watch around him and to everyone's surprise began to inflate.
"My god...they're..." Greenthumb said.
"Yes..they're inflatable Samurai," Darrien said. Sure enough an army of inflated Samurai soldiers stood beside him.
"Hmm...get them!" Greenthumb shouted. The army surged forward, the Samurai attacked.
"Shall we go," Darrien said and pressed another button on his watch. A small rotor popped out of it. Darrien held his hand up and began to rise. He held out his hand to Lita who took it. The two of them flew up into the air.
"That's some engine you got there," Lita said. "Ahem..only we have a better model in the Soviet Union."
"I'll bet," Darrien said.
"What are they doing!" Greenthumb asked before the two dropped on top of him and knocked him out.
The two ran onward to another room which turned out to be a massive control center. In the center of it all sat Patterson petting his cat.
"Well...you've made it this far," he said.
"It's over Patterson," Darrien said.
"Is it?" Patterson said and abruptly the roof opened.
"And what did that accomplish?" Darrien asked.
"Nothing it just looked cool," Patterson said and suddenly the wall disapeared revealing a large death ray pointed right at them.
"This on the other hand...is much more lethal," Patterson said.
"Where'd you get that anyway?" Darrien asked.
"I go tag saleing every once and a while," Patterson said.
"Ehh....that's nothing," Lita said and pulled something out of her pocket. It abruptly unfolded to reveal a death ray twice the size of Patterson's.
"The soviet union has been busy I see," Patterson muttered. Lita pressed a button. Her death ray warmed up and then fired blowing apart Patterson's ray.
"Hah...look at that?" Lita said and then her own ray began to glow. "Uh oh," she said before it exploded and threw her into a wall. She fell to the ground unconcious.
"Apparently they hadn't worked the bugs out yet," Darrien said.
"Yes...when will they learn that the communist system will never work?" Patterson asked.
"Actually if they followed a pattern more in tune with the original beliefs of Karl Marx they might get somewhere," Darrien said.
"Perhaps, but that is an idealic situation at best," Patterson said.
"True. Shall we fight now?"
"Why not?" Darrien said. Patterson stepped out of his chair. His cat Artemas leapt out of his lap.
"Check this out," Patterson said and pressed a button.
"And watch as my sword gracefully drops into my hand," he said. The sword fell from the ceiling and landed in his hand...edge first.
"Ah...jeez...made in Mexico..." Patterson muttered and turned it around right.
"You think that's cool?" Darrien said and pulled out a dime. He held it by his fingers.. and then it abruptly extended into a full length sword.
"That is impressive," Patterson said.
And the two had a sword fight. Back and forth they spared. Darrien gained the advantage and pushed Patterson back. Only Patterson had a surprise and swung around swinging. Darrien dodged, but Patterson through his fist and caught Darrien in the head. He fell backward and hit a massive control panel. It began to spark and crackle. Patterson stabbed. Darrien ducked. The sword embedded itself in the sparking control panel. Patterson began to shake as the electricity flowed through him.
"This stinks," he muttered before collapsing.. Then everything started blowing up. Darrien picked Lita up and ran back the way he came. Most of the people were gone, Greenthumb, Serena, Odd Rick, and Stevez. Darrien, still carrying Lita dashed out onto the roof and realized he had nowhere to go.....except the water surrounding the HQ.
"Ah..well here we go," he said and jumped. Lita abruptly woke up.
"What..what happened?"
"We won."
"Oh...we did. Good."
"So you want to be my girlfriend now?" Darrien asked. Every girl's dream.
"Sorry, I'm married," Lita said.
"Married? How absurd," Darrien muttered.
CHAPTER 38.5:NEXUS CHAPTER 39:PROJECT RAYE-KO
CHAPTER 40:SCOUT TREK CHAPTER 41:THE S-FILES
CHAPTER 42:NEW EMPEREYEUM TANK COPS CHAPTER 43:SAILORTRON
CHAPTER 44:NEO GEO EVANGELIST CHAPTER 45:SHIELDS, DARRIEN SHIELDS
CHAPTER 46:SAILOR MOTOCROSS CHAPTER 47:RUROUNI MELVIN
CHAPTER 48:LABORPATS CHAPTER
49:SERENAFELD